I have a history of an anxious mind. I have Gone Days. I have a Fever. I have PTSD. I have The Curious Case of Crying During Benjamin Button. Take your pick around here. I’m nearly wide open. There are pieces of it scattered throughout this blog.
You can throw in how I sometimes feel so much, that I feel nothing. It’s broken down and bottled up, or broken up and bottled down. Sometimes there’s only a second of difference between the two. I have that nearly invisible inch between feeling nothing and feeling everything. I know what it’s like to have your heart pound and your stomach in your throat at nearly invisible triggers – tied by nearly invisible string – trailing between these nearly invisible miles – for days, weeks, months and years – into oblivion. Always invisibly tied to you – the tether – while sailing off in some distant galaxy or two.
I know the way your heart can wrap around a missing person you only ever almost knew. I know what it is to be completely bowled over by love, and to only have it happen the tiniest amount of times. Of so many faces.. in so very many places.
I also know the truest feeling of heartbreak – it’s like an endless dark cloud over you – and your life can be going amazingly, which it has a way of doing when you’re less invested in outcomes, but you still feel like you’ll never be happy again.
I thought so long about which of my broken stories to tell you. Which one to choose? Where to begin? Then I realized that I’m sort of just one big broken story, and that’s ok. I’m proud of my breaks – I wear them proudly with their sloppy bandages and flimsy casts. All the while, the bone and the flesh has a way of forming and stitching itself back up again. When did I feel most broken? I couldn’t pick one time, but sometimes those inner demons make it harder to fight the ones out in the world, and the ones out in the world distract you from fighting the inner ones at the core. They arrive. You rise to meet them.
To let yourself be broken is the key to putting yourself back together again. You don’t even have to go it alone. All the King’s horses and all the King’s men are gonna try to put you back together again. You just have to find what works.
Being broken means you’re growing
Being broken is going to fuel you
Being broken means you’ll understand yourself and the world better
Being broken means you’re going to put yourself back together
Being broken means you’ll meet a new version of yourself
I’m linking up with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s topic is “I felt the most broken when..” You can link up HERE.
Michelle says
May 26, 2017 at 7:51 amI think we all have those moments when we feel a little broken. But sometimes those moments are an opportunity to grow. Other times they’re heartbreaks that will just always be a part of us. Hugs to you!
Tamara says
May 6, 2018 at 8:22 pmSo true! This was almost a year ago and I don’t even remember writing it but it’s nice to see it and these wonderful comments.
Janine Huldie says
May 26, 2017 at 8:17 amAw, I have had those moments, too and honestly I just sometimes have to go with it to get to the other side here. But thankfully always do seem to find my way out in those types of moments. Major hugs and here is to an awesome holiday weekend now!! 🙂
Tamara says
May 6, 2018 at 8:24 pmaw… thanks for the hugs! I can still feel them a year later.
Raquel says
May 26, 2017 at 10:54 amI love this “Being broken means you’ll meet a new version of yourself”. It is so true and we have all been broken before. You are so good at putting it into words. Breaking is so painful and can really be devestating. Hugs to you too!
Tamara says
May 6, 2018 at 8:25 pmI remember how much I loved this FTSF prompt! It was a thinker.
Ruchira K says
May 26, 2017 at 11:05 amAh!! This was just beautiful !!
I so agree with your thoughts. Broken no doubt breaks our spirits but tests the limit of thy man!!
Makes him go an extra mile…
Tamara says
May 7, 2018 at 8:19 pmExactly! It’s totally character building, I think.
lisa thomson-The Great Escape... says
May 26, 2017 at 12:49 pmAh, this is beautiful, Tamara! We are all broken in places. This: “Being broken means you’ll meet a new version of yourself” YES. Also, I love those songs both of which I haven’t heard in ages. 🙂
Tamara says
May 6, 2018 at 8:26 pmI just to go back and listen to those songs! So evocative.
Lisa @TheGoldenSpoons says
May 26, 2017 at 1:11 pmI think we are all broken in some way. We usually think if it as a bad thing, but I like your perspective. Seeing it as an opportunity for healing instead of just something negative.
Tamara says
May 6, 2018 at 8:27 pmExactly! The broken pieces are how the light gets in. You totally got my post.
Kristi Campbell says
May 26, 2017 at 2:59 pmI’m glad you wear your broken bits proudly. That’s the best way to wear them. I also love that photo of Des and the Easter Egg girls!! So adorable!
Tamara says
May 6, 2018 at 8:29 pmIt’s one of my favorite photos of all time! They were gobsmacked by him, and he was by them.
Lindsay Klein says
May 26, 2017 at 3:50 pmBeautifully said! I’m glad all the kings horsemen put Tamara back together again:) Ironically I wrote yesterday about feeling lost, not really broken, but always on a path to reinvent myself….sisterly identical minds!
Tamara says
May 6, 2018 at 8:30 pmWe were always blog twins!
Jen says
May 26, 2017 at 6:16 pmGosh we are all kind of broken stories aren’t we? I like that. The breaks mean growth I guess. If my life had a play list Tom Petty would always need to be in it.
Tamara says
May 6, 2018 at 8:31 pmYes. We really are! Unbroken would be nice, but I imagine it isn’t character building at all!
Echo says
May 26, 2017 at 7:31 pm“Being broken means you’re alive”
This. So much of this!
Tamara says
May 6, 2018 at 8:31 pmI knew you’d agree!
akaleistar says
May 26, 2017 at 8:34 pmI think it’s our broken bits that make us most interesting. We all have to break a little in order to grow.
Tamara says
May 6, 2018 at 8:32 pmI agree with you 100%!
Stephanie says
May 27, 2017 at 1:18 amEveryone is broken in this world. It needs a courage to stand up and focus again. Changing our perspective may help 🙂
Tamara says
May 6, 2018 at 8:33 pmI really believe that. And seeing the positive from the negative.
AnnMarie John says
May 28, 2017 at 9:14 amThis resonates so much with me. I took about a week off from social media because my depression started kicking in again. I am feeling so broken right now but realize that it’s seeing my friends/family post uplifting things that helps me. We can surely put the pieces back together again.
Tamara says
May 6, 2018 at 8:34 pmI don’t have depression, but the anxiety can be so debilitating. I hope these breaks help you often.
Anonymous says
May 29, 2017 at 10:37 amThank you for this. It boosted my spirit and helped me remember that being broken is the universes way of giving us a kick in the ass we need to reinvent ourselves
Tamara says
May 6, 2018 at 8:34 pmRight! I have been feeling that way for awhile to the point that even at my worst, I feel deep sparks of hope – knowing that the tide will turn.
Stephanie says
May 29, 2017 at 11:29 amGosh, I really relate to this a lot. I’m very broken. A lot.
Tamara says
May 6, 2018 at 8:40 pmOh boy, me too. So much.
LaKita says
May 29, 2017 at 1:08 pmBeautifully said!! I guess we are all broken in our own way and that is part of growing and learning.
Tamara says
May 6, 2018 at 8:40 pmExactly. And no one is exempt from it.
Lana says
May 29, 2017 at 11:59 pmI went to Toronto, then I went away again this weekend, and now I’m so behind on blog reading! I’ve missed your voice, that’s for sure. It’s taken me a long time to embrace my “brokenness”, and I still have a hard time with it many days. But the truth is that I am who I am because of the good and the bad. I don’t always love who I am, but most days I’m okay with me.
Tamara says
May 6, 2018 at 8:41 pmYou’ve been a big inspiration to me!
evolvewithmary says
May 30, 2017 at 1:13 amI’m a little damaged and I have no problem admitting it. I love that Tom Petty Song. Being broken does mean you are alive, willing to grow and it defiantly fuels me to do my best every day. This is a great post. thank you for always being honest and sharing so much of yourself with all of us Tamara.
Tamara says
May 7, 2018 at 8:20 pmTom Petty has a song for every mood and feeling! And I’m totally damaged and coming to terms with it. We all are!
Kenya G. Johnson says
May 30, 2017 at 8:13 amWhat I admire about you THE most is writing through and sharing your brokenness out loud. “Being broken means you’re growing” and I’ve seen that in your over the years.
Tamara says
May 7, 2018 at 8:22 pmAh, that means the world. And it did when I first read this gorgeous comment almost a year ago! (yikes)
rudrip says
May 30, 2017 at 9:14 amYour piece reminds me of a quote I adore by Leonard Cohen – “There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.” The brokenness is what leads us all toward process and process. Thanks for sharing this vulnerable post, Tamara. xo
Tamara says
May 7, 2018 at 8:22 pmYou know you totally nailed it because that quote has always gotten me in the heart. xo
Nellie says
May 30, 2017 at 2:33 pmI definitely know this broken feeling. I think the light and strength comes with putting yourself back together again, then looking back and admiring how you got through it all!
Tamara says
May 7, 2018 at 8:24 pmYes! And it really helps morale that way. I find it helps the next obstacle course I have to get through.
Christine Carter says
June 3, 2017 at 6:12 amI knew it. I JUST KNEW this one would gut me… And it did. I’ve been waiting forEVER to read this- because life is absolutely insane right now. I’m SO glad I saved it.
Tamara, your gift with words as evolved into this magic, this wonder- like never before. The way you paint these portraits of brokenness is breathtaking and real and true and well, just so vividly described- I felt the need to hold my breath while I read it. To me, that’s when I know I’m captured- enthralled – mesmerized.
When you go ‘here’- you get me every time. God, I love that.
Gotta share this…
Tamara says
May 7, 2018 at 8:26 pmEven though it’s been nearly a year, THANK YOU for sharing this and seeing my growth. I can barely remember writing this, as it’s been so long, but I’m always glad I can still do posts like these.
Alison Hector says
June 4, 2017 at 9:24 pm“To let yourself be broken is the key to putting yourself back together again.” This is the real deal. But we have to be willing to LET ourselves be broken. So often we don’t. We pull our masks on and never deal with the real real. Thanks for going there and gently encouraging us to do likewise, Tamara.
Tamara says
May 7, 2018 at 8:27 pmI try, I really do! Often I have to not-so-gently remind myself that it’s ok. It makes change happen faster, and better.
Dana says
June 6, 2017 at 1:56 pmI agree with what Kenya said – you share your brokenness freely, and that is what makes you human and relatable. We are all a little broken, and your words often remind me that it’s okay. We heal, we live, we love – we go on.
Tamara says
May 8, 2018 at 5:54 pmI hope to always be human and relatable, and then I’ll know I’m doing something right. Thank you.
Stela says
February 13, 2018 at 5:35 amAt some phase of life, Everyone is broken. All we need is courage to stand up and stay positive.
Tamara says
May 8, 2018 at 5:55 pmI agree wholeheartedly!