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I’d Like To Hold It In My Arms.

After the bleary-eyed, heavy thickness of both personal and global bad news of the last two weeks or so, (or much longer?) I’ve sailed into a week of pie, kittens, and other adventures, with just Des. Scarlet is at an all day camp all this week.

I’m sad to say that my boobs did not grow another cup size in the last week, but that’s probably for the best. I’m as narrow as they come, and I’m not sure I’d have the frame to hold up too much. I guess I can just live with the fact that all the wishes I made from age 11 until.. now-ish finally were answered. Sorry about the TMI again. I can’t seem to stop the excitement.

This is how I feel about most things:

I’m not unhappy or numb, but there are certainly filters in place. I’m still a little bleary-eyed, but also hopeful, and more peaceful than I was. Peaceful-ish. There aren’t pouring emotions at all hours of the day and night. I’m not crippled under the weight of it. I also don’t feel like I’m blocking it. I take it out, a little at a time, when I’m so lucky. When I have the time. Mostly, there’s a four-year-old boy in my arms or a kitten in my lap. We get overcome, by love and rainbow sprinkles.

(I chose the above photo of me because I knew I’d be using this photo of Juniper. We’re twins!)

When Des gets excited to stop by and say hi to his daycare. Then he steps in, and is overcome. All the swirling confusion, sadness, but mostly happiness. The love. When he has to wipe his eyes into my dress and shrink back from his wild self.

One step back, but two steps up. He’s learning the way around him.

When he turns to me during the most moving part of Finding Dory and says, “Mama, do you know why my eyes are wet under my (3D) glasses? It’s because Dory is sad and I feel the sad.” An hour later, and he’s my pure clownish, giggling, running boy.

Clownish and emotional, and somewhat knowing how to navigate the waters of both. I dig.

Thing is, if I could teach the world one thing.., I’d be teaching it to myself too. Even more. I’m part of this world. Teachers aren’t just teaching – they’re learning as they go. We all teach each other, and it never actually stops. Shouldn’t stop.

It gets both closer, and further away.

What I’d like to teach the world is hope. Finding your way out, up, safe. Sometimes things seem so murky but your brain and heart are always trying to find their way out, up, safe. We’re self-healing machines, inside and out. Remember that.

The weather will get better. Winter ends, unless that’s your thing, in which case I’ll tell you that summer ends too. We are all pushing through the murky messes of personal, national, and global politics, traumas, and confusion. It’s overwhelming.

If I could teach the world one more thing, it would be peace. Inner and outer. I would teach it to myself, to be able to teach it to others. I have in no way broken the mold on this. I can feel restlessness and irritation settling into my bones sometimes. And this is me. Mostly hopeful, sunshiney, cookies-eating, me. What’s it like for people being dealt harder blows, or with less mental equipment to find their ways out, up, safe? Maybe that where hope comes in. Hope for peace. Peace for hope.

I’d like to teach the world to let yourself get overcome. Don’t push it down, only to have it explode back up. Push it back, push it down, whatever you need to do in a world in which we’re sometimes screaming from the inside out, or outside in, and you can’t be as hungry, in love, roaring sad, sexual, strong, or whatever else it is that your true, wild, dream self is. Take it out and put it in your hands. Hold it in your arms. Honor it. Keep it alive, and send it spinning through our world. We need it.

And come on, if this song didn’t get into your head with this prompt?

“I’d like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow white turtle doves”

— New Seekers

This is me linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s timely topic is “If I could teach the world one thing..” And there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin on the matter: HERE.

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  1. Aw, the past teacher in me loves this and by the way, Lily totally cried during Dory too as she was scared for Dory. So she and Des would definitely make a great pair!! 😉

  2. GORGEOUS area. I mean, just gorgeous.

    Finding Dory made me tear up too. Natalie kept going, “Oh no..” beside me. She was very worried for Dory.

    1. It’s so gorgeous! We were told for years to go there and finally did. Then had an amazing lunch with a sausage plate – it came with cheese and apples too.

  3. Such a beautiful, gorgeous way of looking at things. I hope you have lots more beautiful times with Des. LOVE the similarities between you and Juniper, and HOORAY for finding the loveliness and the peace, and hopefully the hope.

    1. I’ve had a lot of beautiful times with Des, but less with Scarlet since he came along. Well tomorrow starts a week of Des having camp and Scarlet not having camp. Oh, the adventures we shall have!

  4. Lovely, Tamara. Peace. So important. I love your pics too especially where you and kitty are twins 🙂 You are teaching the world, one post at a time about appreciating the little things (and people) in life. I love that song, by the way.

  5. Beautiful. I’d probably teach the world love and peace. A lot of bad things happening in the world now, and I’m really scared inside. Sometimes I feel like wars never end. But inside me, I still believe there’s hope for humanity.

  6. “Mama, do you know why my eyes are wet under my (3D) glasses?” <– He has a way with words, that sweet boy of yours! I try to stay away from the news because I feel overwhelmed when I hear too much of it. Sad but I need that filter or else I get really down.

  7. I always love your reflective and introspective posts, Tamara. You know that, don’t you! Ha! My favorite line?

    “We’re self-healing machines, inside and out. Remember that.” <— NAILED IT. I absolutely LOVE that.

  8. I’d like to teach the world all of those things too. Hope above all, though.

    Your boob commentary makes me laugh. I feel ya, sister.

  9. I certainly enjoyed reading this, thank you!

    Juniper is a nice name for your new kitten. I learned the song, “Juniper” on the guitar while studying in France.

    The Peace Pagoda has a very special feeling to it. There is a Bahi Temple in Wilmette, Illinois that is quite beautiful and the Pagoda reminded me of that. If you are ever in the Chicago area it’s worth a visit.

    Peace in our time would be a good thing.

    1. Thanks! It was enjoyable to write.
      Juniper was the name the shelter gave her but we grew attached to it because of Junie as a nickname. There’s a book series called “Junie B. Jones”, apparently.
      The Peace Pagoda is a gorgeous gorgeous place.
      And I do get to the Chicago area!

    1. It’s called Peace Pagoda and it’s in Leverett, MA. It’s about a half hour from here and near a restaurant with cupcakes as big as your head and cheese boards full of cheese, bread, sausage and apples.

      1. I’d love to do a family vacation to New England one year! So many places I would visit. All the covered bridges I’d cross and lighthouses to climb. And chowder and cupcakes is probably the perfect meal.

        1. There’s actually a place called Smithsonian Chowder House in town and they have soups and cupcakes.. and not much more! Maybe popovers.

            1. Well not there, but another reason to visit here is that we have a gourmet bagel shop in town and they make homemade poptarts daily.
              There’s also a place with great chowder that makes blueberry pop tarts from scratch.
              Basically, come here now.

  10. What a beautiful place for pictures! Hope and peace are two things I want for the world and myself, too. Thank goodness for kittens and movies and little adventures 🙂

  11. Love the spirit that your post is spreading: YOU are enough – hold it, honor it and spread it into the world. Exactly that.
    That location is beautiful. What and where is it?
    Oh, and your latest post spoke almost as much or more to me: Water and summer – what a combination! 🙂
    Happy holiday weekend!

    1. Peace Pagoda in Leverett, MA. I highly recommend visits there!
      I’m glad you liked my boating post. I kept comments off to promote sharing and relaxing instead, but I’m so glad you liked it.

  12. I had to go back and re read your other post, because the last month has been insane and I thought I had missed a pregnancy announcement….In my world that is the only time that those kinds of changes happen. P.S. For some reason I am now singing that Coke song over and over in my head, ” I would like to teach the world a song…” Pretty good song to be singing on the 4th of July I say 🙂 Have a great one!

    1. hah, what?? You’re not the only one to say that. Was it the title? I am not pregnant but if it ever happened, I’d probably have a post titled, “Your IUD can fail.”
      I’d honestly love a third child, but we haven’t made any big decisions for or against.

      I’m still singing the song..

  13. Those are wonderful things for us and the world to learn. Luckily, there are more loving people in the world than hateful. It’s just so much of a shock when you hear about the bad things that are happening. I hopeful that there will be more peace and acceptance of everyone’s differences in the future…like tomorrow 🙂

    1. It’s true! Scarlet was probing this morning with questions about why we let her go to Disney World when there are known villains like Maleficent there.
      I said, “You can’t tell her not to live there because Disney World is a city and it’s her home. However, her magic is weak there because many more people use kindness and good magic.”
      Scarlet totally bought that.

  14. Yes, we do need peace more than ever. A lot of the awful things in the world would not exist if people could have peace with one another. I too thought I missed a pregnancy announcement too! I hope you have a wonderful and peaceful 4th of July Tamara!

    1. haha, you too?? What was it?? The title? I’m not pregnant but if it happened, I probably wouldn’t wait 14 weeks to post. I’d just lay it all out there. Not in the cards right now, but you never know.

  15. I think you would do such a fabulous job teaching the world.
    And I think Eve is a little like Des, with the emotions one moment and silliness the next. He’s such a sweet soul!

  16. Finding Dory was so beautiful but so deep as well! My eldest boy, Josh, turned to me and said “I hope I never lose you” omg! too much.

  17. That pic of Juniper is just too cute! I love the nickname Junie. We almost always keep the shelter names although we did change the cat who was UHaul, because that’s where he was left behind (who does that?). I just couldn’t bear to call him that.
    Anyway…peace. It feels so far away. Lately I’ve been in a cynical mood, seeing what has been happening. 🙁

    1. I thought about calling her Juno, but she’s such a snuggly Junie. As for UHaul, what is wrong with humanity??

      The world news makes me highly cynical..

  18. Beautiful post, beautiful pictures, beautiful person! 🙂
    I loved this, Tamara.
    My eyes were wet underneath my 3D glasses too. I was slightly afraid my glasses would fog and sound would come out of me. Nemo reminds me of my eldest daughter, it was her favorite when she was a baby. So… when we went to see Finding Dory and Dory says “Is that really you?” it reminded me of when my husband came home from Iraq and my daughter said, “Is that really you, Daddy?” MELTED in my chair.

    1. Oh dear. You just made my eyes wet in my chair. Sigh. That’s the stuff of dreams. I hope you have written about that, many times over.

  19. The last several weeks have definitely been full of all sorts of news events. I wish that more of them were good news events, too. We could all stand to learn a bit more peace, too. You’re also really making me look forward to seeing Finding Dory…whenever that happens.

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