|

I Want to See Everything

“I want to see everything
The beautiful colors
Disintegrate under me
As the crowd rushes closer
I wanna feel it hit
Keep my eyes open wide”

I want to see everything, The beautiful colors, Disintegrate under me, As the crowd rushes closer, I wanna feel it hit, Keep my eyes open wide

I know I’ve written about this song before, but hear me out here!

I’m not ready to write about Bruce Hornsby yet (big concert last Thursday night), but when I will, that will be another repeat post song that HE PLAYED AT MY REQUEST. Anyway, spoilers aside. Sometimes I listen to the Radio Gods on satellite radio, or I put my playlist on Thumbprint in Pandora in order to get music inspiration. Well I had it on in the background of my phone and FORGOT about that. I was watching a Reel that an Instagram friend posted about a cheese pull “Instagram vs Reality” video. Since I had forgotten about the Pandora background, I thought that these Instagram friends were using “Eyes Open Wide” as their Reel music! I was writing an excited comment about how on earth they also know this awesome song, and that Toad the Wet Sprocket is playing in my little town this June, and then I realized it was my own music. Well hey, the cheese matched the song. I had to delete the comment out of embarrassment.

And so, here we are.

baby with chocolate smeared on face in grocery store shopping cart

Remember when Rider was born, and I was absolutely panicked about him changing from a newborn? I know he was a little newborn alien, but he sure was a pretty one. And we were all home for the lockdown. We had it all, except for living in a world without killer viruses. We WERE safe from school shootings, though, and our jobs were pretty safe, for the most part. The kids were safe, and we made our world more exciting with babies, puppies, and home renovations. I know you know the story, but it’s on my mind lately, for obvious reasons. It was funny to panic through his newborn period, because as you know with nearly all babies, the newborn period is when the best is still to come; is coming. At four-months-old, he stretched and stared and belly-laughed. We put him on one formula bottle a day, and that was enough to get my life back. My full and rich life, cuddled and huddled inside a widening house, away from viruses and guns too.

I want to see everything, The beautiful colors, Disintegrate under me, As the crowd rushes closer, I wanna feel it hit, Keep my eyes open wide

Yet with Sawyer, I felt more disconnected in the beginning. Who WAS this little baby boy alien newborn who was kind of blonde-haired and blue-eyed and chunky in so many places? He was NOT what I was used to dealing with. Who WAS this little boy alien newborn who had the most unassuming pregnancy, without much of the nausea or heartburn or frantic kicking or restless legs? I thought that meant maybe he wasn’t making enough of an imprint. Was he built to last? Maybe he was fading. Maybe I was fading. And truly, his birth was an even bigger mystery with my blood pressure, decision making, and head pain. The postpartum period was also a marvel.

And not in a good way.

Maybe it’s because Rider came when the world needed him. I announced my pregnancy during the first few weeks of the pandemic. I had regular pregnancy updates, photos, birth stories, and daily doses of cute. Entire meals and gift baskets appeared like magic on our doorstep. We had personalized gifts, toys, support, and also community. Sure we were smack in the middle of a pandemic, but it was all enough. It was weird and awkward, but it was also an enchanting and hopeful time. The world seemed to heal, and I did too. My mental health was fine, but I had many nursing problems which resolved at the same time he became a bouncing, babbling joy.

I want to see everything, The beautiful colors, Disintegrate under me, As the crowd rushes closer, I wanna feel it hit, Keep my eyes open wide

I lost my steam during my strange and calm pregnancy with Sawyer. I didn’t post as many updates, except for the juicy and important ones, because I was distracted and immersed with my one-year-old. Maybe people thought I had my act together (I didn’t), or maybe because the world had opened back up, I was swallowed up in that widening world. I was drowning and shouting but no one could hear me. We didn’t get baby gifts (by FAMILY MEMBERS) which of course isn’t expected, but so soon after getting them for Rider was weird. There were no meals, or even cookies. The house was both quiet/loud, and I feared that we were disappearing fast.

I wondered that for awhile.

I want to see everything, The beautiful colors, Disintegrate under me, As the crowd rushes closer, I wanna feel it hit, Keep my eyes open wide

Next week, he will turn one. My last baby, and really, my last baby this time. I know I said that three other times, but clearly I didn’t know. Next week, I will write about him turning one. I simply cannot believe that weird and tumultuous and beautiful time was a year ago, but it’s been a long year of turning from color, to black and white, to color again. I’m taking my power back, and I’m taking him with me. He already has a quiet and colorful power; a way of getting into hearts and minds. So we’ve both been turning from dull to vivid. We’re coming into this life, more animated, more colorful, more skilled, and more ready than ever. Huddled with our magic, surrounded by our tall trees, nervous, sometimes (sick about it all too), and ready to see it all.

And so I do. I want to see everything. With eyes open wide.

I want to see everything, The beautiful colors, Disintegrate under me, As the crowd rushes closer, I wanna feel it hit, Keep my eyes open wide

I want to see everything, The beautiful colors, Disintegrate under me, As the crowd rushes closer, I wanna feel it hit, Keep my eyes open wide

“I need you to save me
Make me breathe
I need you to wake me
’cause I wanna see
Every, every little thing
Keep my eyes open wide

I want to see everything”

Similar Posts

3 Comments

  1. I really love all these precious family pictures Tamara!❣️Lifestyles and routines have been tumultuous roller coaster rides for so many of us during the past three years. Keeping our steam and power at a steady high level during this time has been a high level challenge. Springtime Fresh really takes hold this month with its renewed feeling of energy and its post winter, back to life bright and vivid colors of foliage and flowers for all of us to enjoy with eyes open wide. Really! No Foolin’!! 🙃

  2. Toad the Wet Sprocket is still out there touring?! That’s amazing. I discovered them in the early 90’s! Well, yes from black and white to color, and back again. You are so very blessed, Tamara, but certainly have your hands full. Taking back your power! LOVE that. The pics are so adorable. I laughed at the Here we are…and there he is with chocolate all over his face.

  3. All of your children are beautiful and special. It’s interesting to read this, as you are someone I always see as “vivid.” You have a beautiful spirit and really notice the world. You aren’t rushing through, but taking the time to see and reflect. I love that about you!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.