I Wanna Go Back.

Again, I was title-less and this Eddie Money gem came on a mix cd my girlfriend…err…girl (space) friend made for me with love. Thank you, Nora.

Well my long birthday weekend is over. And it was good. So good. And I can’t say I feel good right now. I can’t believe such sad feelings can follow such happy feelings. And yet, it all makes perfect sense. I have to go to work tomorrow. I had to drop one of my best friends off at the airport and send her 3,000 miles away from me. Stormy’s has not been doing well, although it may take a turn for the better. Scarlet still has a mark on her face. And of course she does. It’s only been 2 1/2 weeks! And yet, I want to erase it with the end of my pencil. And my family went home. And I found out about the death of a great man just five minutes ago. And my new lens isn’t here yet. And..I had to say goodbye to my 20’s.

I started to come to terms with turning 30 on my 29th birthday. I figured I could have a year’s practice of feeling 30 so that when it happened, I wouldn’t feel a thing. And in a lot of ways it worked. However, I did find myself emphasizing the twenty when telling people I was twenty-nine. On the other hand, I’m married with a beautiful daughter and that certainly helps the turning 30 process because I’m not stressed that I’m not yet married or that it’s time to start having kids. And yet..it still hurts. Mariah (my good friend from California) and I were playing with Scarlet in her room when Mariah came across some old photo albums of mine that I hadn’t looked at in several years. I got curious and decided to look through them and, oddly enough, came across photos from my 20th birthday. I also saw pictures of three ex-boyfriends, two college dorms, many friends and many road trips. For a few minutes, I missed it all. I missed it so much. I missed first dates and sleepless nights. I missed waiting for the phone to ring and my heart jumping out of my skin when it did ring and it was him. I missed exotic road trips with exotic boys and being snowbound in a Holiday Inn with my mom’s credit card. I missed meeting cute boys on Rutgers buses and dressing up for Halloween parties at my sister’s college house. I missed Rutgers Roof Karaoke, frat parties talking to drunken future mayors (this happened to me twice in two different towns), and staying up all night with a guy, just to watch the sun rise and bond about how much we hate Bjork.

I missed dreaming about my wedding and wondering what my future husband would be like. I missed wondering what my first born child would be like.

I let these feeling wash over me for a good five minutes and then I came to my senses and let the first day of my 30’s continue with appreciation of my husband and daughter and excitement for the future.

The weekend was wonderful. I can’t begin to thank everyone who was a part of it. Like I said, my good friend flew out from California for the weekend. If that’s not good friendship, I don’t know what is. A few close, close friends drove up from NJ and NY. Most of my family was there. A few new friends banded together and got a local, amazing band to play a few songs for me in my dining room. The food was good. The gifts were above and beyond generous and unexpected. Cassidy made me a delicious cake. I hadn’t had a birthday party in eight years. I don’t like being the center of attention and my self esteem is often not great. I had to let go of those fears and let the party happen. I enjoyed every second of my birthday weekend. I didn’t take any pictures because I don’t do that when I’m partying. If you’re my Facebook friend, you may see them crop up. Let’s just say pictures and words don’t do justice to how I feel right now about my family and friends. Love you all.

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One Comment

  1. Hi – I've copied and pasted my 40th birthday crisis from my now almost defunct blog….The view from 40Ok…I'll admit it. I've been having a mid-life crisis – for about a month.I never thought my age would bother me. I have given out big fanfares for more people than I can count because "age is a badge of honor" "we have made it to this place in our lives".I believed it then; I believe it now.BUT all of the sudden – it was NOVEMBER 2006.It snuck up on me like a laughing pixie. I noticed every grey hair (which I had thusfar refused to cover with"permanent" dye); felt every ache; felt tired when my little ones wanted to play….and felt AGED.The weekend before my birthday was probably the height of the crisis….during the kids' nap time, instead of doing all of the things I regularly do, I sneeked up the back stairs to the master bath and pulled out the box of "emergency" hair dye" – the permanent kind.I took a deep breath cut off the seals and colored my hair…no one even noticed. Not at home, not at work.Then came the day….my husband had the kids sing me happy birthday…gave me a gift…had my parents watch the kids while we went to New Hope and Lambertville for the day….when we got home we had ice-cream cake with my parents and the kids. It was a very nice day, but TOTALLY ANTI-CLIMATIC.In the week that followed I got over the crisis…realized that I didn't really feel any older than I had 20 years ago and I went back to living my normal hectic life; trying to comfort a sick husband… trying to work-from home with a sick child… making plans for the coming winter holidays… making plans to get together with friends…But if still felt as though another shoe was about to drop –On Thursday night my "big" present came – hubby had gotten me a new dell laptop with wifi and the upgraded battery pack…this baby can go anywhere – no wires – YAY!! Seems he thought my current home computer was a bit out-dated (I bought it in 1997).So it was over, right?Well, Saturday, as I was walking into a Chili contest Clark had entered – SURPRISE! Family and friends old and new had gathered.Dad and"uncle" Jerry were playing music, many had brought food and drink, and Donna had made THE MOST INCREDIBLE/ BEAUTIFUL/ MAGICAL CAKE! It was wonderful!!!BUT, With the way the past few years have had me flitting in and out of people's lives, I felt unworthy of all of the love, affection, and attention. And especially unworthy of the hugs the little folk – some who barely knew me – dispensed freely. But the other shoe had indeed dropped.On Sunday evening – after an afternoon of "Simply Cook It – the home version" with a couple of friends – I was finally back to where I started, but my friend Terry expressed it so much better in an email on Monday, so I'll share her words:As far as I'm concerned, we've worked hard to get where we are. We've more than put in the time and the effort. We've earned every year and we should all be proud.OK where's the remover? I want my grays back!

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