I Recognized the Walls That I Once Made

This is me linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week's topic is 10 things I worry about - the walls I made.

There are two things I’ve been told about my Japanese.

1 – That my American accent is cute. (High school Japanese teacher)

2 – That I speak with deep emotion in Japanese, and I’m so incredibly expressive, so what on earth must I be like in English? (College Japanese language and culture instructor who probably doesn’t really want to know the answer to that question)

The thing is, I get the most nervous for photo shoots, blog posts, exams, finals, quizzes, and the like, when it’s so much in my wheelhouse that it’s almost not. It’s like it’s so me that it becomes not me because I worry. I worry that it’s so deeply embedded in everything I’m meant to be and do and that somehow I’ll drop the ball on it. I’ll stop running with ease on that hamster wheel. What if I give 98% instead of 100%? I got nervous to do my oral Japanese exams, and it wasn’t because I was afraid to stand up in front of 50 people and tell personal stories in Japanese, although it was that too. It’s because I was so afraid you’d never know just how much I know and feel and think and can do. And how will you know unless I tell you?

In Japanese and in English.

Imagine if people paid me to photograph moose, taste test ice cream, or photograph weddings overlooking goats. Oh wait..

There’s no money or ice cream or goats involved in this week’s Finish the Sentence Friday post, but I have that feeling. Of something being too much in my wheelhouse. The topic is “10 things I worry about,” and honey, my worries have worries. I’m a worrier, worry wart, worry pants. Except when I’m not. It seems embedded in my DNA, though, to always crop up in life. I try to manage worries and anxieties (not the same but not different) in the face of a world that is already worrisome.

It is. School shootings. Dangerous politicians. Climate change and cancer. School bus bombings and road rage and crashes. It’s like when I tell people I have a vomit phobia. No one LIKES to vomit (right?) but a dislike or fear is not a consuming phobia. A rapid heart rate, irrational phobia. Managing worries in an already worrisome world. 10 things I worry about:

1 – I worry that I won’t be able to write this the way it should be written – unequivocally me. When someone compliments my writing or photos, I worry I’ll never be able to produce again. When no one compliments me, I worry that I’ve lost it.

And if it’s not 100% the one time, what if it never is again? Just gone. Forever.

2 – Speaking of which, I worry that I’m fading away, day by day. A disappearing act. Losing relevancy. Losing everything.

3 – I worry I don’t know how to adult and I never will. I know people make memes and jokes about not being able to “adult today” but what if it’s real? What if i can’t? I’m prone to chaos and frustration. I overwhelm and distract, and I’m overwhelmed and distracted. Sometimes I can’t do the simplest tasks. And sometimes I move mountains and worlds.

There is no in-between and I worry about that too.

4 – I worry about changing tides and hurricanes, tornadoes and earthquakes. I worry about tsunamis and flooded towns and the natural disasters getting worse – while we can’t keep up – scrambling on two legs that will never outrun the change.

5 – How I worry you’ll never see charming, solid, funny, relevant, strong, me. That there’s a pale imitation left in her place.

6 – I worry that I’ll feel so much that I’ll literally die of it, or maybe I’ll never feel enough and I’ll die of that instead. I worry about compartmentalizing grief and love and loss and I worry about inner aneurysms and land mines and bombs.

“Had to stop in my tracks for fear of walking on the mines I’d laid.”

7 – And, I worry when I have too much work and I worry when I don’t have too much work.

8 – I worry that I’m not the mom I could and should be.

9 – I always worry about death. Heart attacks, strokes, diabetes, planes, trains and automobiles. Is this freckle changing shape? What if the pain is here to stay? What if I’m right? I worry that I have no future at all. Just, nothingness.

10 – I worry that maybe I’m wrong and the future is so big and so bright but I’ll never even see it. Never even realize it.

You know what else? I worry this isn’t beautiful or positive or cleaned up with a shiny bow. I worry about how much I left out – like about having panic attacks while driving, losing everything in one night, and never becoming what I could be.

And, oh, what I could do and be without all this worry.

This is me linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s topic is “10 things I worry about.” And there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin: HERE. What will you say??

Does it get better than this song?

About Tamara

Tamara is a professional photographer, a mama of two, a Lifestyle Blogger/Social Media Influencer/Brand Ambassador, and a nearly professional cookie taster. She has been known to be all four of those things at all hours of the day and night. She is a very proud contributor to the book, The Mother Of All Meltdowns, the Stigma Fighters Anthology (volume 1), and The HerStories Project: So Glad They Told Me. She is also a proud Community Lead and a regular contributor to the SoFab Food blog, and the Target Made Me Do It blog. After two cross country moves, due to her intense Bi-Coastal Disorder, she lives with her husband, daughter, son, dog, cat, and 11 chickens in glorious western Massachusetts.

Comments

I Recognized the Walls That I Once Made — 22 Comments

  1. All of this and than some for me, too. So much so that I didn’t even truly want to put it into words. Therefore, honestly couldn’t and didn’t. Instead I guess I took the safer route and just wrote what was on my mind with more of a Currently update post on my own blog to end this week. What can I say, but just felt right for me right now. That said thanks for the song at the end as that was truly the perfect way to end this one!

  2. Firstly, that’s a really cute picture of Cassidy. I saw it on facebook. You wrote and very honest post, one that I didn’t feel like bringing to life. I love the honesty in your writing and of course your pictures are always AWESOME!

  3. Tamara! I certainly can relate to many of the things you worry about. 🙁

    I didn’t know you studied Japanese. From my understanding, that’s the most difficult language to learn. By the way, the CEO of CalorieLab lives in Japan and of course learned Japanese. He has a degree in linguistics from UCLA.

  4. Worry is part of me as well, but I don’t like it. Worry steals joy, and requires energy I’d rather spend elsewhere. I’m learning to let go more, and trust that God knows my fears and will be with me no matter what. Staying in the current day helps when I start to feel overwhelmed… just focus on today. Just today.

  5. You certainly are your father’s daughter.
    My philosophy? Whether you worry or not, sh*t’s going to happen both good and bad. Ease your mind and try to enjoy the journey.
    xoxoxo

  6. The bubbles on smiling Des’s head will fade away Tamara, but not you! You are very much here to stay! I love all your pics, and Sting sings volumes of his feelings while writing this song. The older l grow the more l’m aware of the feeling of being worried about someone or something, and what a relief when that worrisome feeling fades away! You share such deeply honest feelings and fears with us here. So please don’t worry Tamara. It takes a lot of deep inner strength to do that.

  7. So hard to not worry about all these things. The fading away, the irrelevancy, the too much work, the not too much work… all of it! The photos are amazing as always. And I promise you’re not irrelevant and that you never will be! Great post, friend.

  8. Oh, don’t fade away. We want to still be able to see your great photos and read all the thoughts you share with us.

    What a great vertical garden!

  9. You know what? It’s so great that you KNOW you worry about those things. I worry about so many of those same things, but until I was older (old?) I didn’t realize I worry about them! You are self aware, and that’s a good thing! I come from a long line of worriers, and people who “catastrophize.” I always said that I don’t catastrophize, but my daughter recently pointed out that my tendency to be controlling is a way of catastrophizing. “To keep the bad things from happening.” Whoa! Who needs a therapist when you have grown kids?

  10. I love this! I have worried about not worrying before too because it’s such a part of who I am that if I’m feeling too relaxed and content I’m worried there’s something I am forgetting for certain. We put such pressure on ourselves to be the best at absolutely everything when it’s impossible to do so. I’d give you advice on how to stop doing that if I only knew how to do it in my own life. 🙂 But from one fellow worry wart to another, you aren’t alone. <3

  11. I think you are holding it all together marvelously. Sometimes I have sent in the 98 percent on something and thought at least I did it. i am trying…. Or maybe I am just OK with losing it sometime, because mostly I hold it together. but thank heavens for donuts and sprinkles for those truly not holding it together times 🙂

  12. Oh, I can relate to so many worries you’ve mentioned here, Tamara. THey seem to flood my mind in the middle of a sleepless night. I can’t decide whether I’m worrying because I’m awake or if I’m awake because I’m worrying. Of course, most of our worries are unfounded. Loved this post and the photos!!

  13. Aw, my comment was lost. Said I submitted same comment twice. I did not….

    Love this post and can relate to all these worries, Tamara. I often have them in the middle of the night. Of course, most of our worries are unfounded. But try telling my brain that at 3 am! Loved all the photos, too!!

  14. Half of these are on my worry list. I periodically wake up heart pounding from weather-related dreams. (Just last week, in fact.)

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