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I Might Be Crying

“What I didn’t know back then
Was that I might be crying
It is such a simple sentiment
To steal the show
And what I didn’t know back then
Is that I might be losing you
And still I wouldn’t know”

What didn't know back then, Was that I might be crying, It is such a simple sentiment, To steal the show, And what I didn't know back then

I might be crying, as I write this, or it might be something in my eye. Or pink-eye.

I don’t even remember where we left off last. And I was totally going to come here referencing last week’s proper sick day that I spent at home, and wrote about, until I realized with a shock that that was actually TWO weeks ago! Last week was Good Friday. I was still sick, I’m sure, but it wasn’t horrible at that point. We went to South Deerfield to get our tree, and what a beauty is she! Now I can’t say if my cold is fully gone, or if it went away for another to take its place. Maybe it’s postnasal drip from the dry heat, or pollen allergies from climate change making our world all upside down and inside out. Here’s the other thing that happened: I got the pink-eye that Des and Sawyer had had. Rider did too! I’m not sure I ever took pink-eye (or head lice) seriously until it happened to us, and boy is it utter hell. Putting eye drops in toddlers is one special form of torture, although they do get better at it, but I seemed to have taken on a huge viral load. I looked like I had been punched. Now that it’s clearing up, slowly, I look like I might be crying.

Or, as the hilarious guy at the corner store said, that I might be stoned.

(This was the day we both had it bad)

You can stay strong for a year, or even two or three if it’s a lockdown, but once you get knocked down, it’s hard to get back up again. If you’re rarely sick especially, viruses don’t let you off the hook easily. For me, a cold turns into a sinus infection, or a cough lasts, and lasts. Maybe a sore throat, an extra week of nasal congestion, or in this case, an eye infection. COVID was easier for me, than a common cold. And if you go into the doctor’s office, you’ll see the posters on the wall that say it’s perfectly normal for a cold or flu to last two or three WEEKS. I feel like I’ve been in the virus world’s icy grip for a while. It’s the same way I approach slow work periods. This will pass. Like a light switch, or like a very slow uphill climb, one day this will be a distant memory. It’s hard to navigate the world slightly differently, when you can’t smell, taste, or see as well as normally. All of the five senses are a blessing, and it’s difficult to have any part compromised.

What didn't know back then, Was that I might be crying, It is such a simple sentiment, To steal the show, And what I didn't know back then

I navigated the week as best as I could. Scarlet took a day off here, and Rider took a day off there. Sawyer completely went for a full day at Rider’s daycare with him, which was magical. I had therapy on Zoom, which was effective, but not ideal. I spent most of my week explaining to people that I’m not crying, and I’m not stoned. It’s pink-eye, or it’s the aftermath of me using antibiotic eye drops. You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. My cold and pink-eye overlapped and I found myself with tears streaming out of my eyes, and sniffles as well. Scarlet instantly asked me what was wrong, but I wasn’t crying at all. I wasn’t even upset. I was just.. sick. Eventually it became funny. I stopped explaining myself. Am I crying? I might be crying.

Am I stoned? I might be stoned. This week called for both, but I don’t do both.

We found some adventures, though, didn’t we?

What didn't know back then, Was that I might be crying, It is such a simple sentiment, To steal the show, And what I didn't know back then

What I didn't know back then, Was that I might be crying, It is such a simple sentiment, To steal the show, And what I didn't know back then

It’s not that I have nothing deep to say, but I am fried. I was rolling in with a lot of ambition and sparkle and a little bit of magic for most of the fall. I get shaken up by viruses and holidays and all of the togetherness, with its past trauma, future fears, and sharing viruses too. It’s a lot, isn’t it? This week is more of a war on mental and physical ailments. It’s been a weird week, in a life of weird weeks, with deep conversations, and some setbacks and leaps ahead. I walk into every situation or place and say, “I’m not crying, and I’m not stoned,” as if I have to explain myself to mostly strangers and loved ones. Let them think I might be crying, and that I might be stoned.

What didn't know back then, Was that I might be crying, It is such a simple sentiment, To steal the show, And what I didn't know back then

Right now, I’m neither, but I might have been crying yesterday, and I might be crying later today. That’s ok. It helps flush out your eye to help with the irritation. Flush it out and cleanse it out. The world went on this week, and we did too. Sawyer did a full day of daycare yesterday, and has a full physical therapy session today (!!!!). We’re making our strides and our leaps and our bounds, however compromised. We’re dreaming our way big dreams (some are even ludicrous, but ask me if I care?) and we’re fearing our way big fears, like how I’m afraid to go to Scotland, but I’m not afraid to got to Scotland, so much as leave these wonders behind. Even if it flies by.

I might cry. Or I might not.

What I didn't know back then, Was that I might be crying, It is such a simple sentiment, To steal the show, And what I didn't know back then

What didn't know back then, Was that I might be crying, It is such a simple sentiment, To steal the show, And what I didn't know back then

Maybe it’s all the possibility, and how you have to lose to gain, or you already lost it. I might be crying about all that has already been lost, or what can still be found. I might be crying at hope and possibility, or the realization that things remain broken, including me. I might be crying during therapy when I have a realization or when we touch too close to something more recent, that I can’t talk about without crying. Things like relationships, or my uncle. The heavy and the deep stuff has to go first, see, and spiral up through me, taking witnesses along its fiery path. Somehow, I am ready for this. And also, not ready. I might be crying, and it might be pink-eye.

Somehow, it’s ok, any which way.

What I didn't know back then, Was that I might be crying, It is such a simple sentiment, To steal the show, And what I didn't know back then

What didn't know back then, Was that I might be crying, It is such a simple sentiment, To steal the show, And what I didn't know back then

“Yeah I might be needing you
The need it doesn’t end
And now I stare across the dirty river
And I breathe the dirty air
And I’m sure upon the bridge I’ll see you
‘Cause I dreamt I’d kiss you there
What I didn’t know back then
Was that I might be crying
It’s such a simple sentiment
To steal the show”

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3 Comments

  1. Ugh, I’m so sorry you got the pink eye. That is SO CONTAGIOUS! Just thinking about it is making my eyes sting a little bit. Viruses are the worst. When they hit at my house, sinus infections are common. I will say that I am much healthier now that I don’t have littles coming home with viruses all the time… just some light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there – this too shall pass, and then hopefully it will be all *healthy* for the rest of the holiday season.

  2. I hope you find at least 10 times as many reasons to smile and laugh than to cry Tamara, but just just like teardrops can help flush out and relieve irritated eyes, a good cry can flush out and relieve the hurting from deep inside. I ❤️ the Christmas pics🎄 of you and your swiftly growing boys, and all your festive fashions. I hope there will be more to come! Clever song choice too from Tanita who music deserves more stateside attention and airplay.

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