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I Look Up to The Little Bird

“I look up to the little bird
That glides across the sky
He sings the clearest melody
It makes me want to cry
It makes me want to sit right down
And cry, cry, cry, yeah”

I look up to the little bird, That glides across the sky, He sings the clearest melody, It makes me want to cry, It makes me want to sit..

The baby movement has been crazy in the past week, giving me more of a sense of this baby.

There’s only so much it can say, but that “only so much” is also everything. Just a feel with every flutter. A prediction, a wish, and a dream. There’s largely a sense of “who on earth is in there?” when you’re pregnant. I’ve been wrong and I’ve been right, but the movements and the hiccups and the responses to the outside world do give you a cool composite. It’s like when I fell in love with Cassidy over email and phone calls, and all of the photos in the world could piece together to form a near perfect puzzle, but it’s not the same as someone standing in front of you. They’re there, suddenly. You can never get the height quite right, or maybe the sparkle in their eyes, or the laughter. When Rider was born, there he was. “It was you all along,” I said. And it was, but it wasn’t. The details were wrong. In real life, they’re achier and breakier and far more beautiful.

More real, achier, and breakier, than you can ever first imagine.

Each pregnancy has been the easiest and the hardest in different ways. Do I have a hardest? So far, Des, which makes zero sense because he’s the most delightful and kind and charming child. I mean it. The kid has yet to have a tantrum. I think Scarlet had 400 by her third birthday. Rider might have 400 by his second birthday! The complications, or rather, the irritations have varied. With all three, I had bad heartburn I have yet to have. (Why?? I don’t know) Rider was my best first trimester but the third trimester was so hard, being in summer. I remember such restless legs and inability to walk up my own driveway without being tempted to yell out for a lift home. They’re all such weird and challenging and also easy times. I had weird blood sugar with the boys, that disappeared the weeks they were born. This baby is not doing that to me, yet anyway.

I don’t know why not but I certainly won’t complain about that!

I look up to the little bird, That glides across the sky, He sings the clearest melody, It makes me want to cry, It makes me want to sit..

Rider used to poke around a lot. It didn’t hurt, the way Des’ super long limbed acrobatics did, and it wasn’t spazzy, like Scarlet’s 3am movement parties, where I SWEAR she invited other unborn babies over. Rider just had to mess with everything. I said, “When he is born, he is going to look around in amazement at everything, and when he is older, he’s going to mess with everything. And I mean everything.” And that’s exactly who he is. I think most, if not all, babies are curious and like to touch and grab things, but I mean you can’t get anything by him. He notices everything and tries to use, manipulate, poke everything too. That was the sense I had of him before birth, and that’s who he is now. He is mellow in some situations and nutty in others. He can’t be pinpointed, but who can? Des is a mellow worrier. Scarlet is kind, but hard on Des.

My science project has gone on for a long time, wondering who each human will be.

My time is winding down, even though it’s been dragging for eons, and has never seemed fast. I can already predict the relief that this journey is over, as well as the heartbreak that it’s really the last time, even though it’s really been “the last time, I swear” three times over. After Rider was 8-9 months or so, I started wishing on birthday candles and first stars. “I want another one. I want another healthy one.” And I didn’t dream of that wish coming true, and I wasn’t trying to make it come true. In fact, I was actively trying to avoid it, because logic took over and I thought I had more time, even though I barely had time for these last two. It’s borrowed time, playing a much younger woman’s game, and I should know. I played it as a younger woman. It’s not worse now.

Not yet. Maybe not ever.

I look up to the little bird, That glides across the sky, He sings the clearest melody, It makes me want to cry, It makes me want to sit..

When Rider was born, he screamed so loudly and for so long. Scarlet and Des had given little whimpers and sighs and then had snuggled against me. I remember looking bewilderingly at Cassidy because this was new territory to me. “What on earth is going on?” My eyes asked him. “Does this baby have no chill, or what?” We were lucky because that first screaming stopped, he snuggled against us, and for the most part, he never did it again. Every now and then, that lung-filled spirit rears up, like when he cried for the whole hour long 15 month well visit last week.

It shows that you can know, but never know. And that’s ok.

They grow and change, and so do we. I love to feel this little bird flutter and change. Hiccup and startle; poke back when poked. And I feel both smothered by the enormity of time left, and also panicked at it passing too fast. It’s sort of how I am with parenting in general, or about life. It can rush and it can slow, and I panic both at the idea of feeling imprisoned for too long, or the idea that I may blink and miss it. Somehow, we find our balance, you and me. We find our rhythm.

Little Bird, I’m glad you’re not ready to fly yet, and I can’t wait to hear you sing.

I look up to the little bird, That glides across the sky, He sings the clearest melody, It makes me want to cry, It makes me want to sit..

“Mamma, where do I go?
Mamma, what do I know?
Mamma, we reap what we sow
They always said that you knew best
But this little bird’s fallen out of that nest now
I’ve got a feeling that it might have been blessed
So I’ve just got to put these wings to test”

This is my new birth mix, but before the birth this time. “Little Bird” is song #19.

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4 Comments

  1. Aw, so excited for you to meet you newest littlest member of your family. But until you do, I know you will enjoy as much of the preparation as you. Hugs, my sweet friend ❤️

  2. My last baby was a screamer and was so mad to be born. Anneliese screamed for a solid month! Maybe that is why we ended the kid party wagon with her! We quite love her, but that kid knows how to bring the drama!

  3. You are looking great, Tamara! It is so interesting when you are pregnant to try and guess who is inside, and what they will be like. I look forward to the posts after the baby is born to see if you feel you “got it right!”

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