So when I am, it’s always surprising to me. I hate maintenance, even when you’re sent reminders – in the mail, by email, by phone call, or on that little sticker on your car reminding you of when your next oil change is due. I hate maintenance because I’m not a consistent person. I’m prone to spurts and bursts, growing pains, slow gains, long games. I grow a lot at once, and then I’m shrunk and stuck for days, months or years. Blogging might be one of a few things I do consistently.
Blogging, breathing, photography and parenting. As if there’s any other choice, really. I’d die otherwise. I’d cry. Although I don’t always do those four things well. I’m not consistent in wellness, but I am consistent in love, passion and ambition.
Although somewhere along the way, I realized I had stopped doing photography for fun very much. I was doing it for work so much, that it wasn’t always as fun just to shoot with the kids. Especially when they both tell me to get my camera away out of their faces. That said, I know what I’m doing, so bribery and sneakiness work wonders. So if you don’t mind, I’m going to be sharing photos a lot lately that are unseen by you (and probably even me) but are about a year old! It’s the long game.
When you’re an inconsistent person, prone to maintenance-intolerance, certain important things can seem painful when they shouldn’t. Marriage. Friendship. Family. And it’s because I struggle to maintain, and then grow, and then maintain. And then grow. I struggle. When it matters most. To maintain and contain, all of the emotions, the growing pains and the struggles.
I have yet to meet a Flo Rida song I don’t like. I only know a handful – “Wild Ones”, “Let It Roll”, “Good Feeling.” I have a Pandora station or two, so it’s no surprise that the song “I Cry” started coming on my Pandora stations. I felt a pain.
My resolutions and goals and one-word thoughts all blend together into consistency. We know I can be consistent, and blog at least 3-5 times a week for the last.. oh… nearly six years. Although I may take a TRUE week off when we go to Florida soon, so don’t panic. I think vacation should be added to the consistency list. My resolutions and goals and one-word thoughts are all about keeping AND letting go. And if that doesn’t make sense, it’s because I don’t make sense, but I’m aware that there are things to hold onto, and things to let go of. I just couldn’t use FROZEN’s “Let it Go” as my theme song because Des asks for “I Cry” nearly daily. Ok, fully daily. And I love that he requests songs on the radio and that this one is about letting go. That sharp pain. I feel it. Sometimes I hold my cards so close to my chest, that it physically hurts to scatter them into the wind and the world. Meanwhile, other parts of life are flying around in the breezes and instead of catching them all, one by one, I tend to be paralyzed and overwhelmed by fright. I’m a deer in headlights. Letting go is the most magical thing, when I actually do.
Please excuse Athena’s attempted-sled-biting. She seemed to think that the big, scary sled was attacking her girl, Scarlet. No dogs, girls or sleds were harmed in the making of this blog post, or during these photos. (one year ago…oops)
Every year is terrifying and exhilarating, and filled with losses and loves. 2015 was good, though. It was more than good. It was possible. It wasn’t breaking apart. I wasn’t breaking apart. The world tells a different story. It’s hard to follow a successful year, without the fears it will all get taken away from me. It starts here, though. When I feel possible, the world seems possible. Even though it’s full of such dreadful things. There is a light and a wonder times a thousand, for every dreadful thing. You can’t heal the world if you can’t heal yourself, though. It bleeds out, one by one. It seeps and creeps and dreams. I no longer have delusions that I’m a superhero, but I believe we all can be superheroes. Even if for a day.
Years are big. Lives are big. And short and small too. This post feels murky and dark, but also sunny and warm and light, because those are all the things you can go through in a year. Those are all the things you can go through in a day. Today.
I hold onto bull moose and consistency. Budgets and date nights and family planners and dog walks. On the beach. Beach vacations and more bull moose and heart-felt phone calls and letters. Love and friendship and passion and wonder.
I let go of thinking I’m in control all of the time. That I’m right. That I’m wrong. That I’m ugly. That I’m a terrible photographer. That I’m an unremarkable writer. That she annoys the piss out of me. That I have to hold on to every dollar I have, because they were so hard to earn. They’ll come back around. Let go. It’s ok. Let go. It all comes back around. Let go, on thinking I’m not captivating, not this, not that, or anything, not enough. Let go. Hold on. And let go some more.