There was a moment on Friday night, in which I got pretty darn close. After a very fun and successful Passover Seder, and following a hard week – smack dab in the middle of another virus within the family – I felt strong again. We put the kids in their pajamas before leaving Grandma’s house at night after dessert, and they both fell asleep within minutes in the car. Actually, I must explain the power of Des. He really wanted to see Christmas lights so he stayed awake at first. With it being early April, I wasn’t sure he’d get his wish. He totally did. Two houses and even a bar in downtown Middle-Of-Nowhere had a really nice Christmas tree and lights display. In early April. Well if the shoe fits, New England. And this shoe does fit.
After joyously yelling, “Lights!” Both kids fell asleep. We got home in silence and both carried a kid inside and snuggled them into bed, and then we both bid goodnight and snuggled the kid we hadn’t carried to bed from the car. They stirred.
Then I felt really good and I felt really solid and I felt really happy, until a catfight outside in the middle of the night made my heart pound. It made my breath shorten. I didn’t have an anxiety attack, and I didn’t even think that being unsettled by coming out of a deep sleep to the yowling sounds of cats is unusual, but something in the sound and the heart pound made me remember what is still tangled up inside. There are still conflicting feelings and choices to make and things to work on.
That doesn’t mean I can’t feel fantastic about what I have accomplished in the last tough month, and what I have accomplished in the last tough year. I have pretty much broken myself open, if only to feel more solidly put back together.
Even though I still feel stale and exhausted a lot, and not quite recovered from my consistent work projects. Even though viruses still ravage the kids and threaten us. Even though my writing and photography have been somewhat put on the back burner, and I’ve been trying to do other things that don’t make me sparkle as much. I can still celebrate. I can still take an hour to myself to upload some sunny farm photos. I can still celebrate how far I’ve come, and how much warmth and solidity is in my near future. Let them all eat cake, I say. Even if you’re trying to cut down on sugar because it makes you exhausted.
Cake and sunshine do wonders!… as do Christmas lights in April 🙂
There’s this house in our town that has quite the display still too! I think the heavy January snow was the cause of some of the leftovers, but probably not all!
I love that you said you have to do things that don’t make you “sparkle” as much – I want to sparkle, too!!!
I hope that Des ended up feeling better for the weekend. (I actually saw Lindsay’s FB post this morning that she had a fever now.)
I know that warmer weather and the absence of any sickness is just around the corner and Tamara will have her groove back!!!
You do sparkle!! But after your post yesterday, I really get it. Sparkle helps a lot. Poor Lindsay has strep!
and you are completely allowed to be exhausted! so many projects, sicknesses–and so forth–it seems never ending sometimes. Just know that you need not be perfect through it all, you are trying your best and that all that matters!
I’m trying but it’s getting rough! Now Scarlet is so sick. It doesn’t end!
Please believe me Tamara you didn’t loose your grove. With all of the expected and unexpected “extras” that you’ve had to deal with you’ve hardly even skipped a beat! Thank You for sharing your fantastic feelings of accomplishment with us. We think You are pretty fantastic too! Take a cake break Tamara, you have more than earned it! Have a slice of cake for Lindsay and one for me too. 🙂
Thank you once again for brightening up a lousy day!
I’m going to have a big celebratory cake when spring actually gets here.
Please believe me Tamara you didn’t loose your grove. With all of the expected and unexpected “extras” that you’ve had to deal with you’ve hardly even skipped a beat! Thank You for sharing your fantastic feelings of accomplishment with us. We think You are pretty fantastic too! Take a cake break Tamara, you have more than earned it! Have a slice of cake for Lindsay and one for me too. 🙂
And I will definitely have a slice of cake for you and poor Mike and Lindsay!
Design is magic! I knew it! The coyotes were hunting last night and it always terrifies me, no matter how many times I hear it. It will definitely unhinge you. I am sorry you guys are sick again and hope the funk and clouds pass soon. Spring has to be coming soon!
So freaky! Cassidy heard and saw them just the first week we moved here, but not since. Sometimes you can hear them howling in the distance.
Darn auto correct That would be Des is magic!!
Ha! Design too.
And if we can just get through the next few days of 39°, it’s supposed to jump to nearly 70 next week.
I love the farm pics! I think Sweet Pea is fatter and I am thinner now! xoxo
I have a ton more too!!
I think you both look lovely.
That is sweet. I can’t wait to see the rest.
I hope I get to them in the next year! I’ve been so swamped lately.
“I can still celebrate.” Amen sister!
I love that Des got his wish for Christmas lights. That there is some pretty darn special magic!
Beautiful pictures my friend.
xoxo
Des magic is some good magic!
Thanks so much…
xoxo
I agree sometimes you need cake. I can’t eat it often, but I still enjoy it once in a while. Glad to know you are starting to get your groove back.
I don’t eat it often. It has to be really good, ya know?
Thanks about the groove!
I love that you are getting your groove back and actually thought of you today as it was the first real warm day of spring here and know how much we both have been waiting for this. It felt glorious to spend hours outside with my girls today feeling the warm sun on my face. So definitely getting my groove back slowly but surely here, too 😉
Yes!! It was a nice day! I took the dog to the park and did a long loop while carrying Des. What a workout!
I can’t wait for more days like that next week.
I’ve been feeling exhausted all month long as well. You are certainly welcome to enjoy all of the cake and sunshine that comes your way! Ah, to see Christmas lights in April! I hope everyone on your household feels better soon!
Thanks!! The viruses are just endless with kids in their first years of daycare and school. I can’t wait for spring to actually come and stay.
I love the title of this post, together with your first sentence 🙂 – isn’t that just how it goes? We think we’ve made it over the hump, and then the next thing comes up. But we don’t give up and keep on going. I almost surprise myself sometimes during a stretch of “good”, thinking: hmm, things are going really well right now. I wonder what’s going to come up next… of course it never takes long. But Spring definitely helps!
I was actually thinking that things seemed really smooth. Generally though, weather does get better and the kids are usually virus free for seven or eight months of the year. I just have to remember that!
I’ve always been a horse lover! I was a horse crazy little girl. Problem was, I never had a horse or learned how to ride one. But my parents once bought me a horse magazine and it made me the happiest girl alive!
I was never a little girl who wanted a horse, because I already had one!
Christmas lights in April! Amazing. I love how these kinds of things happen to you and you tell us about them. Maybe I need to seek, or set the intention for, that kind of magic and see if it works for me, too 🙂
I always love horse photos. These are stunning.
Stale and exhausted but still, you’ve come far. You’re giving yourself credit and that’s pretty darn good. Sometimes I think that’s why we have blogs, to have this record of ourselves to see our progress and to keep each other accountable. And for virtual hugs!
I have to admit, I was a little surprised that he got his wish! But it just makes sense.
I think blogging is so important because I have that timehop app on my phone and I check it every day and without the prompts, I would never remember so many of those things. It’s nice to have this record.
So funny that Jen mentioned coyotes, that’s what we hear too…their yips and howls are so oddly haunting. It’s not like normal dog sounds. I can’t believe Des got to see xmas lights in April, TOTALLY magical. I’m glad you’re getting your groove back, little by little is how it always seems to go!
I wonder if people just thought that holiday lights should last all winter, or we had so much snow that they were waiting for it to melt!
We had coyotes in our yard once. It was scary!
The sunshine and the horses – my goodness! Beautiful! I’m glad you’re kinda getting your groove back. I’ve been full of anxiety lately, especially this past weekend. From reading your blog, I was able to recognize what it was and urge myself to move forward and wait for it to pass. Anyway, wanted to thank you for always being honest about how you feel because it allowed me to do the same for myself.
That means so much! I’d love to hear more, but no need to be specific or say anything else if it’s too private. I get it.
Thank you for your beautiful comment. Cheers to moving forward!
I think those moments when everyone was tucked safely into bed, and it had been such a good day, were my favorite when the boys were little. So much of my anxiety these days revolves around them not being tucked into bed, but out in the world. And yes, we all need cake, often.
Ugh, I hear that! I wonder if my anxiety will deepen when my kids are older or lessen. I imagine it deepening but hopefully I’ll figure out ways to combat it better!
I think there is a lot of people feeling deflated after the winter we’ve had, and it doesn’t help that it’s still been cold and snows periodically. (WTH, Mother Nature?!) And viruses are rough. I know there have been things going around here! I think still being cooped up inside when normally this is the time we’re supposed to be outside more has not helped.
And big projects? They can really deplete you. I’m already feeling a little depleted from a fundraiser someone else was supposed to be planning and when that fell through it fell on me. It sucks when things take away from the things you *want* to be doing.
I hope you feel more yourself soon. Hopefully a healthy dose of spring will do the trick!
It’s hard for the virus season to completely end when it’s warm and then cold and then warm and then cold! It tends to even off in mid April, and I”m counting on it!
The fundraising can be so exhausting!
I really need a vacation. Instead, Cassidy is getting one. DURING our kids’ spring break. Send help!
Well I certainly need sunshine, though it is not easy to find. I am laughing out loud that he saw Christmas lights – that is an absolute riot! There are still a few wreaths around our streets… probably the ones that we hard to get to under all the snow… but I haven’t seen any lights. Funny, though, because I was thinking how much I like little white lights and considering putting some into plants on my patio this year. If it ever gets warm enough to go out on the patio. Sigh…
I think it has to be a product of a horrible winter! All of these lights getting buried underneath. Or maybe celebrating lights all winter, and it is 39 today. Not conjuring up much spring yet!
I think this weekend.. your patio.. it might happen!
I feel like you didn’t loose your groove and everyone deserves to feel exhausted. It sounds like you have been through so much that you should be celebrating all of your successes!
Melanie @ meandmr.com
Thank you so much!! I do feel very exhausted. I keep waiting for it to die down a little. I think I need to slow myself down instead.
Something about the sunshine brings the groove doesn’t it?? There is a house here that is still proudly lighting it’s Christmas lights and giant wreath every night…. it’s pretty cheery though. Glad Des got his wish, and glad you are feeling strong, I hope for you that it continues to grow!
That’s funny about the house! We have a local house who leaves up a fantastic display until at least St. Patrick’s Day. So I guess it’s more of a winter thing with them, and not just a seasonal thing.
I love that Des got his wish – even in April! I hope that you continue untangling until you are free. I say come to California, it is already warm and sunny here. Love the farm photos too!
Oh I so wish. I think I would be able to live in California again. It was just so good weather wise and I rarely got sick!
You have had a rough month and yes you did accomplish a lot! But man, the sunlight in those photos – heavenly. I can feel the rays coming off the page. So glad that Des got his wish! Love that.
The golden hour before sunset! I love it. It’s challenging but I love it.
I’m so glad for Des too. I want my kids to believe in things, because sometimes strange wishes come true!
Oh man, forget about goats, now I want HORSES!!! hehe! So glad you got your groove back. “Beware the groooooove!!! Groooooove!!!” 😉 – http://www.domesticgeekgirl.com
ha, I want goats! My mom has one horse and one mule and they’re cranky! I think she’d love goats too.
I want cake and sunshine! I want to spend time with those horses too!
One is a mule, actually! They’re both cranky but great for practicing golden hour photography!
Cake and sunshine.. still not here. How about in Minnesota?
A little sunshine, I’d like more though. No cake… I should fix that.
None here either. Or cookies. I’ve been trying to be better about eating added sugar – which means not eating it 17 times a day like I usually do. It’s a little sad, though.
Glad you’re feeling a little more optimistic. Hopefully sunshine comes SOON!
Thanks! I’m working on it. It can be hard, but… the weekend forecast looks divine!
Slowly but surely, with the sunshine and the hope of a bright spring and summer – the groove starts to come in. I am starting to feel it; my birthday is in April and I often have to remind myself that when my birthday comes around, I usually feel better!!! But there’s ALWAYS lots to celebrate! Right? Even celebrating cake! And Christmas lights! And sleepy kids being transferred. I love you’s. Sunny farm pictures. Sunsets…
Cassidy’s birthday is in April, followed by our anniversary. And he has so many memories of it snowing on his birthday, OR being sunny and 70! Ah, April.
We still haven’t gotten spring, but it looks to be in the upcoming weather forecast so it might happen!!
Girl…first of all, doggone it, it is time to catch up to your groove…get your groove back…shake your groove thang…these viruses have got to get out of your house! I feel for all of you. It has been one after the other after the other! I love the photos of the kids with the horses, is that at your mom’s house? Or do you own horses? If so I sure missed out on that fact. The kids look like they are having so much fun. I sure hope that they both get better soon, perhaps you need to lock yourself in the bathroom with a bubble bath, some essential oils, and a BIG ole glass of wine!
Even after I wrote this, another virus entered the house! Sheesh. Scarlet was due, though. Through all my complaining about viruses, she had only had a few colds. Des got hit the hardest. Cassidy and I both got sick twice, which is a lot for us. What a winter/early spring.
I can’t wait for the bubble bath with oils!!! And maybe cookies.
Brilliant photos Tamara! Whatever felt slow to you definitely doesn’t show on this blog 🙂 And I’m still so jealous your kids got to be so up close and personal with horses—amazing.
Thank you! I think the blog doesn’t suffer as much because it’s where I go for comfort and resting – and it doesn’t feel like hard work.
The horse and the mule belong to my mom! So we can visit them whenever. Both are a bit cranky, though.
Oh, these photos are so beautiful! Who’s horsey? Is it Grandma’s? Ask and ye shall receive (when you’re that cute!) p.s. I read your post last night on my ipad and wasn’t able to leave a comment 🙁 It might be the mobile compatible thingy. I have to get my site updated and mobile friendly.
Close! It’s Nana’s horse and her mule!
I have a pretty good mobile friendly app – WPTouch. Let me know if you have any issues in the future, though! I hate that.
OMG THESE HORSE PHOTOS ARE BRINGING BACK SOOOO MANY MEMORIES! When I was younger… I was Miss Jr. Rodeo Princess and my sister and I owned horses and competed! LOL!!!
I’m going to try my hand at an “everything free” cake… because I want to eat my CAKE TOO!
Holy crap, GiGi! I used to show horses actually. I was quite good.
We should get together and be Rodeo Princesses!
You do eat your cake, I hope?
Are we not the same person? But for real……
We’re totally the same person.
Waking up to the sound of a catfight would be unsettling to me, that’s for sure! Animals can make some very strange and unnerving sounds. Glad you didn’t have an anxiety attack though. You’ve put out little hints of struggles here and there, but on the blog everything has appeared to be chugging along. You know we’ve all got your back in this. And if Des can have Christmas lights in April, then I think you should have your cake (or cookies) and some sunshine too.
The blog certainly chugs along, doesn’t it? It’s like an anti-anxiety pill. Even when I’m 24 hours late with posting! It’s all good.
I love my blog friends so much! I have your back too.
that is cool they saw some Christmas lights in April
great pictures & the kids must love playing with the horses 🙂
I think people just left up their lights because of all the snow we got! Or maybe they were trying to be festive. It was odd, but funny.
Here’s to getting your groove back! And I hear you with these viruses–I’m so sick of being sick! Right in time for allergy season to kick in, too;-)
Oh, I know it! My allergies are worse on rainy days like today. I do hear that real spring is coming this weekend, though! We’re so due.
The brief moment of solidity was awesome and we all have those moments of solid ground, then shaky, then solid ground again. I say that without the valleys in our lives, we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the mountaintops. Hang in there! (And beautiful photos of the family in the sun, and the horses roaming around. They are majestic creatures)
So true! And I always think that it’s always there – the groove and the sparkle – but I drop it a lot. I forget it.
The horses are really cranky in real life but they photograph well!
I love that photo of Scarlet on the chair.
Yes, it shows her fun and awesome personality!
Horses + sunshine= WIN
Cake + Christmas lights!! = DOUBLE WIN! 🙂
Get that groove, mama!
XOXO
I’m getting it! I get it and then I lose it and then I get it again. I suppose it’s always really there even if I drop it like a buffoon a lot.
Cake and sunshine, I like it. Actually, I will take sunshine and anything:). Today the sun is out, so I rejoice. It rained for six drays strait and the forecast is calling for rain for the NEXT six days! Ugh! But at least it helps me keep the pollen at bay.
We had that same forecast and now we have one more bad day (41 and rainy – yipes) and then we’re expecting something like 72 and sunny by Sunday. Now that’s what I’m talking about!
Sadly for me, the rainy days are the bad allergy days. It seems to kick up whatever I’m allergic to worse than on sunny days.
AW!!! I love this soo much, Tamara! Yes… those beautiful moments of goodness and peace- breathe them in deeply… until the cat fight screeches in the middle of the night wake up and spin your heart right up into twisted knots again!
I love how you described you and your year, my friend. Yes- lots of taking apart and putting back together again… for a more solid frame and possibly deeper hues of color within. You glow, and you sparkle- always.
Darn cats!! I really don’t like the loud sounds they make, although meows fascinate me. How can something be so cute?
The glowing and the sparkling – sometimes I feel it. Sometimes not. It’s nice to think of it happening even when I think I’m totally turned off.
If only we could only do things that make us sparkle. But I suppose then the sparkle wouldn’t be as shiny. Maybe. I need some of your sparkle to get through this rainy April, but at least the green shows though the rain.
Yes, and the green comes coming – little by little! Although we got about a half inch of sleety snow last night. Can you believe that? April 9!
Cats are crazy mother effers when they fight. Once a pair were duking it out a la Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee style on my porch (that’s how I picture it in my mind) and I swear one of them was going to lose a kidney. I was rooting for Chuck because obviously beards win 100% of the time.
Anyways, I love you and this makes me all sorts of happy for you. I love how insightful you are and that you share it…share the struggle…share the learning….share the growth…the little accomplishments…the big ones…and all the cake. You’re amazing and I hope you know that.
I hope you know you are.
sometimes it’s easy to forget.
I wonder if sometimes I’m in a catfight with my anxiety. I root for Chuck too, but I don’t really like beards!
I love it! Yes, we all need our sunshine! There’s hope whenever there’s sunshine.
Cat and dog fights. Quite common in the middle of the night in my neighborhood.
And most of the time, I’m still awake when it happens on a weekend. Ugh, hate it! LOL
I always feel hope on sunny days! That’s why it’s always awesome when I have something scary or exciting going on and it’s a sunny day. It gives me bravery.
If I heard a cat fight in the middle of the night I would definitely be a frantic mess for a few minutes. OMG I just realize those were probably your cats…lol wow.
okay anyway. I’m glad you’re feeling better! I was getting a little worried for a few posts <3<3
Actually only one of my cats! She’s an escape artist. The other one is content to stay inside all day. I have no idea what she was fighting. Maybe herself. Maybe another kind of animal.
Thanks for worrying about me! It seems like an endless cycle of snow and virus, but it will end.
I’m an indoorsy girl, but I always realize how much I need the sun after I come in from being outside with my girls. I feel refreshed (and a little sticky). Those farm pics are majestic.
Yes! Refreshed and a little sticky. I can totally relate.
I am so glad you are standing in the sun. xo
Thank you, Rudri!! I totally am.
And as for the real full sun, it’s expected to be 70 and sunny tomorrow and I can’t wait to feel it on my face.
The farm photos are so beautiful!
Thanks!! Always an inspiring and beautiful place.
You sure need cake at times… and sunshine, a lot! Love the strolling horses, through the wood and the sun – peace!
Peace is right! We have had two beautiful days in a row. I don’t know what to do with myself!
A day spent in the country and fresh air would definitely put a groove in my step! My zen will always be Nature. sunshine and birdsong and the scent of sweet memories on the wind. Always gets me back to feeling fine. One day, I might just be able to capture all that in a photo!
Oh I just know you will be able to do that, if you haven’t already! I’m having my Zen right now.
There’s a cat who fights with my Bibster and when I hear them, I sneak to the backyard and hurl a soccer ball at him. I’ve never hit him, but it’s like Bibs knows when I’m coming and he lures him to me! Then he chases him off after I’ve stepped in like he’s some sort of badass cat.
Cats act this way because they have no cake in their lives.
And the progress we make when we’re not in our grove helps us find the grove once again.