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Guess I’m Doing Fine

“There’s a blue bird at my window
I can’t hear the songs he sings
All the jewels in heaven
They don’t look the same to me
I just wade the tides that turned
‘Til I learn to leave the past behind
It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine”

It's only lies that I'm living, It's only tears that I'm crying, It's only you that I'm losing, Guess I'm doing fine

It’s a song for a sleepy day. Maybe it’s rainy, or brilliant sunshine with a heat advisory.

And this is not a blog post for a Friday morning, nor is it for a Friday afternoon – not with sunlight streaming in the car window, and hopefully not heat. It’s not a blog post for a Friday night, unless I’ve somehow found swatches of time in my hotel room with Des and Sawyer to write this out. I don’t think so, though. This is a blog post for a sleepy afternoon, with freshly cut hair (please tell me you don’t notice it), and three of the dogs by my side. For some reason, even through the heat, they’re sleeping in the hottest room of the house (which is still air-conditioned) and they’re also sleeping together. Only Lucy is slightly removed, with one paw wrapped around the coffee table, and the other to tell me that she is here. I know that she’s here. By the time you read this, I may be underway on my trip to Philadelphia for the 2024 National YoYo Contest. I hope I’ll be ok, with my hands not wrapped too tightly around the steering wheel. Maybe arms wrapped around myself.

I hope I’ll be laughing, and maybe passing out snacks; controlling the music.

(No, they’re not coming on our road trip!)

It's only lies that I'm living, It's only tears that I'm crying, It's only you that I'm losing, Guess I'm doing fine

The last day of school came, and it messed up my head a little. It wasn’t like the way it messed it up in March/April 2020, when Cassidy had the kids clean out their backpacks early, while I took a little pregnancy nap. That hollow feeling you sometimes get in June, because of the passage of time, and the confusion of humid endings and beginnings; the hellos and goodbyes. So, this was much worse because it was cut short. This past school year dragged on a bit, with its horrible viruses, some struggles, and the weird changing of the seasons. However strangely they change.

It's only lies that I'm living, It's only tears that I'm crying, It's only you that I'm losing, Guess I'm doing fine

It's only lies that I'm living, It's only tears that I'm crying, It's only you that I'm losing, Guess I'm doing fine

“All the battlements are empty
And the moon is laying low
Yellow roses in the graveyard
Got no time to watch them grow
Now I bade a friend farewell
I can do whatever pleases me
It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine”

There’s a quiet and maybe a melancholy (or that could be me) in the house now, and maybe it’s because school ended during heat wave walks back from the bus, into a cool house. Maybe it’s a feeling of, “Wait.. is this all there is now? Confusion and aimlessness?” And of course, that’s NOT it. There’s summer camp and cat sitting jobs and TWO yoyo contests and travel galore. Even for me, there’s the ambitions of working full time with toddlers and dogs in the house, but I have lots of excitement. Two Toad the Wet Sprocket concerts, a Bruce Hornsby concert BY THE SEA, and a Trey Anastasio with Boston Pops show. There will be visitors and trips and houseguests galore.

It will feel strange, and strangely hopeful.

It's only lies that I'm living, It's only tears that I'm crying, It's only you that I'm losing, Guess I'm doing fine

It's only lies that I'm living, It's only tears that I'm crying, It's only you that I'm losing, Guess I'm doing fine

A lot of living life, in the human experience, is trying to find balance between being soft and hard. You don’t want to be hardened, but what you want to be is soft, but not too soft, because then it would consume you. You can’t live life without any filtered emotions and experiences. I don’t want to be hardened, but also not too squishy heart soft that I can’t get out of bed in the morning. The walls we build either don’t work, or make us into people we would never want to be. There’s an element of self-care there. In setting up your boundaries, but not walls. They’re firm and maybe even feel good, and they’re temporary. They can be a way of saying, “Too much! Too fast!” Or maybe a way of saying, “I have to take care of myself, first.” Maybe I’m an empath, and maybe I’m not. Maybe we all are, to some degree. We throw that word around, but I never considered myself one. Or maybe I was looking at it as a flaw. Something that makes me huddle in a corner, or get nauseous or headachey, or avoid people, and rip away connections. Maybe it can be a good thing.

And that’s something I need to figure out.

It's only lies that I'm living, It's only tears that I'm crying, It's only you that I'm losing, Guess I'm doing fine

It's only lies that I'm living, It's only tears that I'm crying, It's only you that I'm losing, Guess I'm doing fine

It's only lies that I'm living, It's only tears that I'm crying, It's only you that I'm losing, Guess I'm doing fine

The lifeblood of.. life is connection. And empathy. The walls we build. The walls we tear down. Or what we might put in place of walls. To be strong and steady, and to hold boundaries we need for our own well-being, but also be able to gently take them down when needed. We all have gaping wounds, and how our gaping wounds relate to one another is nothing short of super fascinating.

It's only lies that I'm living, It's only tears that I'm crying, It's only you that I'm losing, Guess I'm doing fine

It's only lies that I'm living, It's only tears that I'm crying, It's only you that I'm losing, Guess I'm doing fine

I’ve been in a lifelong battle of feeling too much vs feeling not enough. Who can really say what’s right? It’s ok to have gaping wounds, but we must honor and tend to our gaping wounds. They don’t really go away. See, they stretch and constrict. They tighten like a noose around your neck. Maybe they’re ON your neck. My walls fail, and sometimes I’m so squishy heart in pain that I can barely get out of bed. I do get out of bed though, every time. And if I don’t, that’s ok too. There’s lot of people I have, to have and cover my back, and I with them as well. It’s all passing reasons and seasons anyway, and I’m not looking to close up my wounds or build walls around me. Believe me. Been there, didn’t succeed at that. These days are simpler. These smaller successes and victories. They truly mean so much. I’m ok, being ok. And I’m learning to be ok, not being ok.

And most days, most days, I guess I’m doing fine. I’m doing just fine.

It's only lies that I'm living, It's only tears that I'm crying, It's only you that I'm losing, Guess I'm doing fine

It's only lies that I'm living, It's only tears that I'm crying, It's only you that I'm losing, Guess I'm doing fine

“Press my face up to the window
To see how warm it is inside
See the things that I’ve been missing
Missing all this time
It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine
Guess I’m doing fine”

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One Comment

  1. We lean toward the empath end of the spectrum in this house. I do think life is a bit harder for the empathetic. More hurts-y feelings.

    I try and boundary those feelings and create space for the joyful ones.

    AND, have so much fun in Philly – my hometown. Get a cheesesteak and cheese fries for me. YO YO competition is so unique and cool!

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