I had another “Gone” day. I described gone days in a recent post. I borrowed the term from the book “Room” by Emma Donoghue. It means that I’m physically here, but not mentally here. I’m going through the motions of life and I think at times I’m only half-gone or even not at all gone, but those are only brief moments in which Scarlet delights me out of the gone-ness. Goneitude? I don’t really know what causes gone days. I think mine was triggered by a bad night of sleep Sunday. Often my spring allergies go through phases. In March, I have the typical sneezing and runny nose. In April, it’s my ears. I get fluid build-up and sometimes I go through entire days or weeks in which I can hear well, but it’s like the echo of the ocean is in my ears when life gets too quiet. Luckily, quiet doesn’t happen around here until Scarlet goes to bed. By May, my allergies are gone. On Sunday night, the fluid in my ears made me a bit dizzy and disgruntled and I was wide awake in the middle of the night. So I had a drink of water and played Solitaire until sleep called for me again. But Monday morning, I was “gone.”
So Scarlet went easy on me. And some friends came over to play and to help me with Cassidy’s super-duper, top-secret, phenomenal, earth-shattering, ground-breaking birthday treat. And once phase one of Top-Secret Birthday Surprise was completed, I sank to the floor and stewed in my gone-ness. My goneitude. Friends and babies swirled colorfully around me, but I sat ashen and quiet. I felt very black and white. Friends left, Cassidy walked in, there was a hustle and clutter of dinner and shoes off and teeth brushed and Scarlet limp in my arms, asking me, “Home?” “Who who who?” “One more book?” So I sang her requested songs and I read her requested books and I sank gratefully into bed, glad my “gone” day ended sweetly.
Then today, Tuesday, started late as we both slept in. I was happy to walk to the mirror this morning and find that I wasn’t gone anymore. I’m still in muted colors and not in vivid colors, but progress is progress. We had breakfast with Nana and Poppa over Skype and I waited a few imaginative play hours to bring out my secret weapon:
I said, “Outside?”
She replied, “Outside!! Shoes on! Mama boots on! Hug? Outside! Outside!”
(Which was really good because before outside was suggested, she was teething everything in sight):
This was her candid reaction when I opened the front door.
It doesn’t even take much. Kids don’t complain about the weather or dirt the way we do. They see no obstacles in the way of fun out there..
I rented a lens for my camera for a week. Today was a nice day for shooting – not sunny but bright and dry enough for comfort. I used my own lens all day. It feels nice to have chosen my own lens and not the rented one that will cost me a gazillion dollars if I decide to buy it.
Scarlet is starting to experience the joys of somersaulting and rolling down hills. Baby steps.
I haven’t been inspired lately by photography. I’ve been discouraged and overwhelmed and just plain exhausted from the prospect of all I still have to learn. I don’t like the technical aspects of..anything. My favorite hobby included. Today was a better day for inspiration. I’m happy that today happened.
I remember being really confused and intrigued by what “outside” was when I was a kid. To think about what was outside my house, my fenced-in yard, my street, my town, my state…it really blew my mind. I think it’s like Jim Carrey in “The Truman Show,” except I was decades younger. I started to wonder what was outside of everything I knew – if there even was anything outside of it. Then I knew there was and I had to get there.