People, people – we still have a month before school starts. Don’t make me say goodbye to summer just yet.
A year ago this week, I had a crippling nightmare. I dreamed it was December. Christmas time. It was dark at 4:45 pm and I had the trace of a winter sniffle – Desmond’s cheeks were red and raw. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like a school bus was on my chest.
And in typical dream form, a school bus was actually on my chest! Don’t you love dreams?
And then I woke up, and I looked out the window and it was August. And you know what I’m talking about – August has a particular look, a particular sound, a particular smell and a particular feel. There’s probably even a taste in there somewhere. I was afraid of the cold and darkness. I thought they would go through my skin to my heart. I thought winter would make me cold and dark.
It’s not what happened. It’s been a wonderful year. In many ways. These kids. These friends. You.
For the most part, I truly believe my default setting is to have feelings of joy. That doesn’t mean the chill doesn’t get in and stay anywhere from two minutes to two years. I started writing this last week when I had a dark few days. And now that I’m continuing these August thoughts, I don’t feel the darkness as much, if at all. This year was filled with just as much, if not more, of the pitfalls of living and loving – sickness, financial trouble, deaths, frustrations, excruciatingly low self-esteem. There is no such thing as immunity.
Not if you love, and you love so much.
I once heard that sadness peaks as you get older – and sometimes your mind unlocks new and terrible ways of dealing with stress. I used to get crazy butterflies when I was nervous as a kid. I can feel short of breath or very nauseous when nervous as an adult.
I shudder to think that the stress reactions could get worse and worse, but I do believe we can fight it by adding more items to our toolbelts. I do believe I can get stronger and more able to effectively manage the hard times. I do believe that just as the depths of sadness can exist, so can the heights of ecstasy. There is always a lower, sure. And there is always a higher.
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Last week when the fall air came in at night and people went back-to-school crazy, I felt it – that hint of doubt in my strength. The fear of December, which by the way, I do always enjoy while it’s happening in all of its festive frenzy. I think I just started mourning the loss of summer before it really ended. I feel steady ground more often these days – and that’s no metaphor. I mean my anxiety used to make me feel a little off-balance. I feel sturdier right now. I feel full right now. I feel in motion. I feel connected. Just a step backwards and I fear the worst. I fear I’ll lose it all. I fear I’ll disappear again. Little by little. There’s just too much good in here.
It’s almost too much to handle.
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These are my August things. I fear the chill always, but I feel my inner core has warmed to withstand it more. Maybe just a little.
And that’s all it takes.
Wow you are so right about August. It’s funny, I’m a Jersey girl so school always started in early September for us, but here in Arizona, they are going back to school in like a week or something! Very strange! And…not to mention that fall smell in the air that would come to remind me that it was almost time to go back to school isn’t here! That summer heat lasts until around the end of October. By Thanksgiving, it feels like “Indian Summer” here. Always enjoy reading your posts! 🙂
Me too! Total Jersey girl. School is generally after Labor Day or even a week after that. Although I'd love to be in Arizona for certain times of the year.
You remember your dreams from last year? I have a hard time remembering the ones the day after they occur. I gave Hope a touch of anxiety posting a Xmas tree in my post last week 🙂 We still have plenty of time. I actually like August pretty good. People are in a good mood to have the kids go back to school! They are nicer customers!
I remember the dreams that were nightmares or really, really good dreams! Otherwise, they fade as I get up and start my day. And yay for nicer customers! Hopefully not calling you "Joanne!"
I feel the August things, too. Which isn't to say that I do not enjoy the fall and winter things, either – because I do. I just don't like to see summer end Summer is so anticipated and so very fleeting; I try to hold on, always. That is why July is my favourite month – it is the beginning. I can always say that there is more than a month before school starts, before fall, etc. But in my heart I know it is OK – it is just me resisting change, as I tend to do. I know now that change is a good thing, a necessary thing – so I try to look forward to what good will come along.
I love July because it's my birthday and Scarlet's birthday, and yes, the beginning. In fact, I love May and June even more because I like anticipating summer perhaps even more than summer sometimes. Or as much!I enjoy the fall things a LOT. I generally am ok in winter, but at the end I'm usually about to lose my mind.
Tamara, so with you on this and had the same feeling as August was approaching. I am a summer person through and through. Don't get me wrong I love Christmas time (I really do), but not a fan of the cold, long dark winters, so I know that feeling well. And just something else we have in common. I don't know about you, but I am holding onto Summer as long as I can now!!
Another thing in common! I have a feeling that will keep happening with us. I do really love the holidays and I'm not melancholy or even very anxious during them. Although last Thanksgiving was awful – I won't get into it in comments but it's in my archives. It's usually by February and March that I start to lose it. If I could afford a tropical vacation once a year, I think I'd like winter a lot more!
I just love the girls in their matching princess outfits!I never want summer to end!
Thanks! And yes, I don't like heat that much but it's times like this I understand why people live in Florida.
My August feelings are all over the map. As a friend said recently, August is the Sunday of summer – I want to enjoy it but I'm also mourning the end. But both of my children were born in August, so it is a month of celebration as well. Then their birthdays make me sad because they are growing up – August is my roller coaster.
Totally. And the end of August is Sunday night. And I get Sunday night-itis badly. I like that it's a time of celebration for me too, although I understand the mixed emotions on that! Ah, parenting at its finest.
I know these feelings all too well, and with school approaching next week I can feel my chest tightening already. Your photos are so lovely, love how they connect to your words in ways I did not expect!
Thank you – that lovely comment really made my day. The connecting photos and words is never something I schedule or plan – it just happens. I suppose it comes about from my inner message or something. Thank you for noticing.
I totally know exactly what you mean about August. I felt the same way last week as soon as the calendar flipped to this month. Only a few more weeks around here and suddenly it feels like they are flying by!-Ashley
I remember us all talking about the start of summer. Doesn't that feel like yesterday?
Some say I am lucky, I get the August feeling the whole year but I truly wished I could have the winter, autumn and spring too! I wish I could name my wardrobe based on the season.Lovely photos!
haha, that's funny! I do name my kids' wardrobes based on season! We do get four very distinct seasons here although in New England, they can melt together sometimes and it's weird.
I am really not ready for August. So much to do, getting everything needed for school in a few weeks.
I hear that. Hope it goes smoothly for you all!
I know what you mean about August, but our schools literally start back NEXT WEEK, and we have a half day on Friday this week. It's coming to a close fast for us…
Oh dear! That's tomorrow! Good luck to you. I'm sure you'll be posting some awesome projects soon.
I think you need to start practicing yoga tamara! It's just another awesome tool to throw in your bag for coping with life stress. I am working super super hard at staying present this month b/c it always seems to fly by and then its fall and school and holidays and yeah, sums up your nightmare. its supposed to be humid again tomorrow if that's any consolation!!
I read a blog post recently about yoga and it resonated with me so well. I know in my heart it would be a great fit. I'm nervous to try and of course I think I'm inflexible and too stressed to even try..which is exactly why I SHOULD try. I just have to get over my insecurity and join a way beginner class.
Every summer, I feel it whizzing by, and it comes to an abrupt end all too quickly. You know what winter is like around here, lingering on seemingly forever….why can't summer last a little longer? I am trying to absorb August as much as possible, and finally go to the beach before it's too late.
Right? Winter is so long. Summer is so short. I think they're about the same amount of time, though. Not in our heads!
So many things I love about this post. August is such a special time, especially in our family. Growing up it meant pool parties for my birthday. As an adult it means my wedding anniversary (just celebrated my 10th!!).But the part I love most about this post? 'And there is always a higher.' Words to hold close & live by! Thank you!
Ten years – nice! Thank you for reading my words. I tend to like things coming in more than I like them on their way out. So I love May and June because they mean summer is coming. And perhaps I love them more than summer itself. I think that's not a good thing!
I love fall … but there is always a sinking feeling of when the sun gets a little colder in the sky. As we get older the ways we deal with stress change and I am with you 100% on that. I am in my own head too much sometimes but we both just keep pushing on.At present I have a big weight on me and thankfully the gym is helping. Keep taking those beautiful photos love.Your memories are beautiful!¤´¨) ¸.•*´ (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxoRaising-Reagan.com
I'm glad the gym is helping you with that heaviness. I think for humans, the loss of light is hard. I get it doubly hard because I'm a photographer and external flashes are fine but not my favorite. Natural light any day!
I like to pretend that summer lasts a lot longer than it really does. That said, August is just like July – summer fun, nice weather, and time to check of items from my summer bucket list! FYI, I'm a little depressed that you mentioned Christmas. I'm not ready for the holiday season. Not at all. ~Andrea
Me neither. I think that's why I had such a nightmare about it! Ick.
First – these might be some of my favorite pictures yet – your subjects, of course, are the cutest but you do amazing work with your camera!!!That last part really made me think – I feel the chill, too but I think that over the years I have gotten better at finding ways to avoid it. I'm glad that your inner core has warmed to withstand more!!! I think January 2nd – the end of February are the "chill" for me (and not just the weather). But, August – I love!!!! Even though I'm starting to panic a little about next Tuesday – not sure I'm ready to send my first born to high school.
Thank you! I always love to hear what photos particularly resonate with people. It makes me think about the elements that blended together to make them happen.Aww..Jordan will do so well in high school. Will he wear all white every day?November is my "chill" month. At least by February, there is some hope and light on the horizon, however faint.
August means the kids are getting older and changing and growing…I don't like August…but its inevitable. And then I realize the good of change and the hope – and things settle…love the girls in the princess dresses!! And Des – well, he's just too cute!!
Surprisingly August is not even one of my least favorite months. I think the fact that it was suddenly here really tripped me up for a few days. I'm certainly feeling better this week.
Love your post as usual although this one is kinda melancholy. I hope you have more of those better days and those more much fun days as well. Lovely photos as usual, especially that one of Des peeking out through the window. I hope you enjoy the rest of August my friend.
Ah, it's already better. I had struggled with August arriving so fast, in my opinion. Thank you!
August beginning always gives me the pits because its the beginning of summer ending. Goodness, where did it go??!! I just love the pics of scarlet in the mirror and des peeking like he is 6 ft tall!! so cute.
That's it – the beginning of the end! Dum dum dum. I can't take things ending, unless it's winter. Winter can go ahead and get out of here always.
It's bitter sweet for me. I love my kids being home for the summer, but I love the fall air!
Oh, totally. Fall is AWESOME. I just wish we didn't have winter. I'm a grinch.
I feel similarly to you in that I think my default setting is joy. I'd rather be happy than miserable. Sometimes I feel guilty about feeling so happy after suffering such a loss, but really, how is being miserable going to make it any better? Your pictures of your ordinary August days are simply amazing. I would love to have pics that look like that! I am enjoying August this year because it's been so much cooler than normal. Usually, August is one of my least favorite months. I do love the fall!
You are so right – there are a million things to be unhappy about and a million and one things to be happy about. I just feel happy a lot.And you're right – August has had fall-like nights and bearable days. I like it! Does this mean we're in for a sweltering September? A blizzard October?
Everyone is pushing August out the door, but really it is only part two of summer! But, I know what you mean. The days are shorter, it's a little cooler and you can feel fall coming, which of course means a new school year, one year older, kids are losing their littleness. I have two transitioning to middles school:(( I'm holding on to summer as long as I can! Gorgeous pictures. Your kids are stunning!
Thank you! I have trouble with the cold and mainly, less light. As a human who craves sunshine and as a photographer who craves light. I make do each year, but I can see it getting harder and harder as the years go on. If we won the lottery, I'd spend all of winter elsewhere.
you are so poetic.august has always made me a little anxious – it's a holdover from being young and knowing that august meant that the new school year was right around the corner! but it is my birthday month and a month of beautiful weather, so i do enjoy it.
Never thought of myself as poetic! Thanks!Happy Birthday Month! Although where you live (and especially if you move back to San Diego eventually) don't you always have good weather months??
Aside from Spring months (late March and April), August is one of my favorite months. The weather is starting to cool (very little, but still cooler) and it just "feels" like…IDK! Just like you said…there is a certain feeling that comes with it. I was in home decor store and couldn't believe all the fall stuff is coming out already, but I guess it really is that time almost! Too bad our kids don't have another month! Kayden starts back school on the 20th. 🙂
Oh, that's soon! I've only ever had school start in September and now it's the same with my kids.August is a wonderful month. It just gives me that feeling of what is to come and I always wonder, "Can I handle it?" And always I can.
I like that picture of your son peeking out the door.I don't like it getting darker early either. That is one major thing I don't like about winter.
Thanks! My husband was holding him up and I got so startled by the image of my son being over six feet tall that I grabbed the camera.
Oh Tamara… I am SO glad I stopped by here FINALLY!! I love your words and your thoughts and you. I think we are very much one and the same. I think if we had a chance, we would connect in a way that only two souls struggling with anxiety and finding light can have. I get all of this. I truly do.
Chris, what a pleasure. I think we have a gazillion mutual friends and I'm happy to have read your writing yesterday too. I have no doubt that we'll keep finding great things in common and more connections. I look forward to it!
You "say August" right! Do you remember the katydids and my explanation? School is coming! School is coming!
It's SO true. It's literally on August 1st that the racket starts. The beautiful racket. Scarlet is so astute – she picked it up instantly. "What is that noise that wasn't there yesterday? Is it a friendly noise?" I said, "Yes, it's like a lot of Jiminy Crickets!"
Keep trying to hold that fear off…there are still several weeks until December. Though I admit August just doesn’t feel the same this year. I never thought I would admit it, but I miss the sweltering heat of August. The pool and backyard sprinklers just aren’t the same when the temperature is struggling to break 80 degrees!
Right? And the cold nights? A little strange lately.
"Maybe just a little" really *is* all that it takes. When we're feeling solid and standing tall, I think the chill has a harder time getting in. Not that we don't feel it because we do, but it doesn't bother us quite as much. We can enjoy that August a littler more without dwelling on summer's end and maybe not even *think* about December. I would love to not think about December once for an entire August!
I think I already broke that for myself. Sob. The loss of light is hard for me but maybe with my new indoor lens, I'll have more to look forward to. Thanks to your kids for being the guinea pigs for my new lens!
Totally feel you, especially this August, turning 30, blah. . .
Aw, 30 is so young. It's tough to change decades, though.
Wow. I want to pick up the phone and call you right now. I have never ever ever said that to another blogger due to a post before, ever. I don't know whether I am in awe of your amazing photos (and can you please come take some photos of my little boy???) or in awe of the fact that you totally said what I wish I were brave enough to say with this: "This year was filled with just as much, if not more, of ………excruciatingly low self-esteem.Not if you love, and you love so much."I feel like you took those words from my heart and wrote them because I didn't know how to. I've had the worst time with my self esteem recently. Worse than ever. And yet. I love, love, love so much. More than I ever have and more than I've ever needed to. Thank you for this. I mean it. Thank you. Also? I want more.
There's the rub, as someone once said. The more we fill our lives with joy, the more we realize we could lose. I never really understood that until we had children, at how true that is, and how incredibly deep our well of love is. I'm so sorry you deal with the anxiety, but glad to see you are making progress. As someone who is older, I can say that there is one linchpin change in my life that has given me much more peace in the last eight or ten years: having God in my life. While that looks corny in print even to me, I realized that my old independent self is no match for the difficulties this world throws our way. Especially, I work to be grateful in all circumstances. It takes practice, lots of practice, and I fall down a lot. But to have my faith to lean on when life makes no sense: priceless.
Aw, I wish I had a "call me" button on my blog. I would have welcomed your voice, especially since I was still awake last night pretty late. Yes, I'll take photos of your little boy! Somehow..Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It doesn't look corny at all – I love that you have that faith to lean on. That's something I've been afraid to lose over time, but I'm happy to say I haven't. It just changes.
here's the thing – as you get older you realize that even when it feels like there is too much to handle, you're going to handle it anyway because you have to. and then you do 🙂
Exactly. And it makes me feel magical!
August is bittersweet for me. I am feeling like the summer has gone too fast. But at the same time sometimes I am ready for them to go back. And then I feel bad for feeling that way.By the way, I love the pic of Scarlet in the mirror!!
Thanks! That was her old room before the big WeMontage switcheroo, but I loved the moment.
These pictures are darling!
Thank you!
I mourn summers of the past when my kids were little. I used to love, love, love the warmth and carefree days. It's funny that you said sadness peaks as you get older. I was sad a lot this summer. I had some great moments but this summer was extremely hard. Nico is a teen and he is ready to spread his wings and I am not ready at all. I've hated every single minute of feeling out of control this summer. Btw, I broke out in hives at the mention of Christmas.
Oh man, me too. So sorry I even mentioned that horrible word. Of course when it's December, we'll be ok about it. Right? …I hope..
I think this is the first year I haven't mourned summer. I am ready to move on to fall. I even bought Christmas presents today.