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Every Now And Then I Fall Apart.

This post is actually not about falling apart. This post is about the occasional chance to put yourself back together. It’s just that I was going to call it “Every Now And Then” and when I started to write it out, I couldn’t help singing the lyrics to “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” And then I thought, “Well heck. It’s true. Every now and then I do fall apart. Don’t we all?”

So I let the title stick. And I like it a lot.

The original beginning of this post is that every now and then, Cassidy and I get the chance to be two parents to just one baby. And I’m not even talking about being parents to just one kid. I mean, specifically, that we get a whole day alone with Des and we enjoy the more calm and natural flow that just one baby entails. This doesn’t mean that I don’t miss Scarlet to the point of near-tears. I always do. It’s this maternal paradox that I suffer from. I always want a break from one or both of the kids, but if I get that, I miss them like crazy. It’s that push/pull that I imagine will follow me in life. Maybe it will get easier as I learn to let them go more. And maybe, shudder, it will get more difficult as I learn to let them go more.

What I learned yesterday, that I constantly forget and then relearn, is that Des is not a whiny baby. He is a very mellow baby, as he has been since birth. What happens in the face of raising him against a very opinionated and awesome and high-pitched older sister, is that his needs are rarely met first these days. So yes, he does sometimes get hungry or tired or cold to the point of whining. I never let it get to screaming! However, whining. And when Scarlet spent all of Saturday at her grandparents’ house, we got to enjoy meeting Desmond’s needs not when they needed to be met, but at an intuitive second before. It was such a calm pattern. I even got to spend a day using one of those overachieving schedules that I make fun of, only because I’m not-so-secretly jealous that I can’t seem to follow one with him. He clearly wears it well.

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It’s not that the early days of parenting are easy. It’s just that when it’s years later and your sleeping baby is now a loud three-year-old, and money and time and patience are shorter, and you also have another baby..well..I think back to the days of just Scarlet and I glorify it as the easiest time of our lives. It wasn’t easy by any means. It was a nice time, though.

And right now is nice in its own way. Like when Scarlet came home, and the reunion was oh so sweet:

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I have to apologize that he is drooling in just about every picture I have of him these days. No teeth have broken through, and since Scarlet didn’t get her first one until 12 months, I have stopped looking for his teeth. I give up. They will come..

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