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End Of The Road.

I was born in 1980. If you were born around then, give or take several years, my blog title just might put that wonderful Boyz II Men song of the same name in your head. Right? Now try to get it out and tell me how you did so because I can’t seem to do that. I’m having so many 1992 neon-pink windbreaker-laced flashbacks of school dances and girls crying in the bathroom during this song. Heck, some of them had no shame and just cried out on the dance floor. I myself only cried in public over a boy once, in the 7th grade cafeteria. This kid, Chris? Had his friend walk over and break up with me for him. What a coward. This is why I didn’t bother with boys again until college…

…You know who you are. You loved (still love?) this song.

I’m probably not going to sit here and recap 2011 and how much it sucked or didn’t suck. All of these years have their joys and their challenges. Some have much more of one than the other. It wasn’t my best year. It wasn’t my worst year. A heck of a lot happened. It started with blizzards galore and Scarlet meeting her great-grandparents. It peaked with the dizzying, berry-filled heights of summer and having a newly-turned two-year-old. It ended with buying a freakin’ house and conceiving a child on the third anniversary of the day that we left the promised land of California. (Er…not that we keep track of those things..publicly)

Which brings me to my next point. As December of 2011 dawned, Cassidy and I both realized two crucial and sad facts. 2011 was the first year in about…forever for him and several, several years for me, that neither of us set foot on California soil all year long. It just…didn’t happen this year. Not only that, we both realized that 2011 was the first year in about…definitely forever for me and probably just as long for him, that neither of us set foot on Manhattan soil (cement..rat poop?) Cassidy who is by no means a slacker is taking right care of that seeing Phish at MSG tonight. Just in the nick of time! Only a few days to spare. Say what you want about Cassidy, but he does have style. (Dumbledore from Harry Potter reference)

And, me? Well, a full year without California and New York City. A place I’m haunted by in a good way and a place I’m haunted by in a bad way. Haunted is haunted. Can a New Year’s Resolution be as simple as, “Stand on California soil.” “Stand on Manhattan soil.” Maybe they should be. And, of course, heal more and become more secure and less anxious at the idea of parenting two young and beautiful souls. Before I met Scarlet, I didn’t know much about her but I felt her strength. I felt that she wasn’t going anywhere. I’ve suffered more this time around, but I feel the power of this next one too. He/she is going to kick a** and take names. Mothers know these things. So for now, we wait for the new year and life but we wait in style.

What is now like? Now is about adjusting and healing. Saying goodbye to a month and a year and hello to a new month and a new year. We all like to believe our new years will be full of promise and hope, but heck, ours really is this time around, I think. A new baby! Two new seasons in our new house. Life unfolding. As we wile away the hours of the end of December, we huddle together around our pellet stove. Scarlet? Patient and easy to entertain and to relax with. Me? Still not feeling my great, glowy, pregnant best. It will happen. Oh, it will happen. Mark my words.

In the non-glowy but still lively in-betweens, I savor her creativity by finding little funny things around the house. Hair bows on a wooden giraffe’s head. Baby and Simpsons dolls “tucked” into makeshift beds between the bars of the wall and her crib. The fact that she wears winter gear in the house:

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For now, we delight in shadow/sunbeam faces as the earth spins ever so slightly closer to the sun:

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The intensity with which she colors. Like a mad artist!

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And then we have holidays and first cousins and opening stockings and other delights.

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She’s gonna be a bit like me…

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And, of course, a bit like her dad. She just knows how to hold and play a guitar. It’s really scary. Even the look on her face = rockstar.

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My favorite, by far:

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You’re probably wondering what on earth could make someone this happy? (below) It was a lenticular “wiggly picture.” You’ll have to google it, I suppose. Mom, don’t hate me for posting this. Consider it payback.

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My dad has exquisite taste in clothing for my mom. I didn’t touch this at all in Photoshop and I never would anyway. It is THAT vivid.

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Most of these photos, these moments, don’t need captions. You know how I feel. Happy and loved. Excited to bring another life into these small and large moments that make up a life.

“Although we’ve come to the End Of The Road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the End of the Road” — Boyz II Men

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4 Comments

  1. Three things that I love about this:1. Photos!!2. Scarlet is looking like such a girl rather than a baby these days. She's gorgeous3. There's a photo of her with the red hat on her head that reminds me so much of a photo of me at that age with wild curly blonde hair and a yellow plastic hat. Similar pose and everything. :)Have a wonderful holiday, Tamara! I can't wait to see what next year brings.

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