Last night was one of those nights. I fell asleep on the couch, a little sick and afraid. I woke up because of Lucy having a 1:00am outing and then went to bed, expecting to lie there wide-eyed, a little sick and afraid. Somehow, I fell asleep, into the dreaming sleep, of babies and peace. I’m always thankful just to drift away. These days. If it isn’t burning koala fires, or even modern day anxiety against a backdrop of burning koala fires and the overall climate change thing. If it isn’t Coronavirus, or even modern day anxiety against a backdrop of not being able to hug my own mom and the overall “When will life get back to something at least normal, or maybe better?”
So, if it isn’t going through The Spanish Flu, the Great Depression, the Civil War, and the Race Riots all at once – but with social media this time – and with lots of people shouting at one another, and other people still sharing cat memes.. Well, what a time to be alive. And truly, it is. Yes, everyone is shouting at one another. And probably, we all think bad thoughts about one another. I’ll play along. Yes, I think some of my very own Facebook friends have low intelligence. There are people I have known and LOVED since I was a kid, and the connection is fading fast.
Well. I don’t know. Do we want it all back? Don’t we want something better? Does it seriously feel like the world is going to collapse right now? Well, yes. I have the angels and demons while I try to sleep. The terribly stupid things I read on Facebook today. Then there are the friends on the same side – or so I thought – posting VERY different viewpoints. All the while, we rage on.
I’m usually more in the middle with my viewpoints, although if we’re talking politics, definitely far to one side of that middle (not hard to guess which one). I don’t even know how we’re talking about politics, though, when it’s human rights and climate change and a virus. That’s why there are more than two sides. It’s that there are 2,000. Maybe it’s infinite. Different combinations of what’s right or wrong, to us, even though sometimes these own things are at conflict. Like all lives matter and black lives matter, and being pro-life and anti-racist, or pro-choice which isn’t pro-abortion, and being financially conservative but socially liberal, or vice versa. Is climate change real? Is the virus real? I don’t know – is it? Wait until it happens to YOUR family. Wait, do you want it to happen to MY family? That’s not humans rights of you to say, is it? And on and on.
The conversations around racism have never happened before quite like this, but racism HAS happened before – quite like this. And it feels like we’re never moving forward, and in fact, are swirling deeper and deeper into this tornado abyss. Something has to give, but at what cost? How many lives? And to what will they be lost? I truly believe that many have brilliant brains and bright hearts and fighting stances and stubborn streaks. Kindness and warmth and, yes, open hearts. So many forces of fear and hate and anxiety, but also love, stamina, and understanding.
And I try to drift away in the night and the haunted parts of early morning – but they get tangled in sleep and nightmares. Sheets and viewpoints and misunderstandings get tangled. You get lost in the night and the haunted parts of early morning. Especially in a big bed. Lost from sleep and your dreams and your spouse too. You get lost from yourself, which is terrifying.
The baby thumps all night. Is he calling out, “Hey I’m here!”? Is he doing somersaults and flips – eager for life in there and life out there – curious and oblivious to what’s waiting for him. Although is he going to be the answer humanity has been looking for for since.. humans, really?
When I drift away to sleep, it’s never to gloss over the cracks. Rather, I think about each crack in my life, and beyond my life, and they start to be more deepening, which may be what we need.
Then Things I’m Thankful For This Week That Help Me Drift Away:
1 – When Lucy wakes and walks to us, with stiff legs and happy ears, she looks like a baby goat.
2 – Time in one of the hammocks from Panama – gosh, they soothe my soul (to drift away..)
3 – Reading mindless (or just not depressing) magazines, like WDW, Yankee, Us Weekly..
4 – Skybar Ice Cream from our local place, which keeps expanding its business/hours.
5 – Kid laughter – and hearing them outside and totally ok, even in this crazy world.
6 – Endless baby kicks, swirls, and somersaults.
7 – Deep cleansing breaths to your soul.
8 – When you hear someone else’s deep cleansing breaths, or tiny snores, in the night.
9 – Knowing about all the great brains out there – running and working overtime.
10 – The places I find in dreaming sleep, of babies and peace. And what I wake up to:
What is it that helps you drift away?
Finish the Sentence Friday is linking up with Ten Things of Thankful this week – because it’s their seventh anniversary! You can link up to this wonderful blog hop (fun old school term!) here.