Last night was one of those nights. I fell asleep on the couch, a little sick and afraid. I woke up because of Lucy having a 1:00am outing and then went to bed, expecting to lie there wide-eyed, a little sick and afraid. Somehow, I fell asleep, into the dreaming sleep, of babies and peace. I’m always thankful just to drift away. These days. If it isn’t burning koala fires, or even modern day anxiety against a backdrop of burning koala fires and the overall climate change thing. If it isn’t Coronavirus, or even modern day anxiety against a backdrop of not being able to hug my own mom and the overall “When will life get back to something at least normal, or maybe better?”
So, if it isn’t going through The Spanish Flu, the Great Depression, the Civil War, and the Race Riots all at once – but with social media this time – and with lots of people shouting at one another, and other people still sharing cat memes.. Well, what a time to be alive. And truly, it is. Yes, everyone is shouting at one another. And probably, we all think bad thoughts about one another. I’ll play along. Yes, I think some of my very own Facebook friends have low intelligence. There are people I have known and LOVED since I was a kid, and the connection is fading fast.
Well. I don’t know. Do we want it all back? Don’t we want something better? Does it seriously feel like the world is going to collapse right now? Well, yes. I have the angels and demons while I try to sleep. The terribly stupid things I read on Facebook today. Then there are the friends on the same side – or so I thought – posting VERY different viewpoints. All the while, we rage on.
I’m usually more in the middle with my viewpoints, although if we’re talking politics, definitely far to one side of that middle (not hard to guess which one). I don’t even know how we’re talking about politics, though, when it’s human rights and climate change and a virus. That’s why there are more than two sides. It’s that there are 2,000. Maybe it’s infinite. Different combinations of what’s right or wrong, to us, even though sometimes these own things are at conflict. Like all lives matter and black lives matter, and being pro-life and anti-racist, or pro-choice which isn’t pro-abortion, and being financially conservative but socially liberal, or vice versa. Is climate change real? Is the virus real? I don’t know – is it? Wait until it happens to YOUR family. Wait, do you want it to happen to MY family? That’s not humans rights of you to say, is it? And on and on.
The conversations around racism have never happened before quite like this, but racism HAS happened before – quite like this. And it feels like we’re never moving forward, and in fact, are swirling deeper and deeper into this tornado abyss. Something has to give, but at what cost? How many lives? And to what will they be lost? I truly believe that many have brilliant brains and bright hearts and fighting stances and stubborn streaks. Kindness and warmth and, yes, open hearts. So many forces of fear and hate and anxiety, but also love, stamina, and understanding.
And I try to drift away in the night and the haunted parts of early morning – but they get tangled in sleep and nightmares. Sheets and viewpoints and misunderstandings get tangled. You get lost in the night and the haunted parts of early morning. Especially in a big bed. Lost from sleep and your dreams and your spouse too. You get lost from yourself, which is terrifying.
The baby thumps all night. Is he calling out, “Hey I’m here!”? Is he doing somersaults and flips – eager for life in there and life out there – curious and oblivious to what’s waiting for him. Although is he going to be the answer humanity has been looking for for since.. humans, really?
When I drift away to sleep, it’s never to gloss over the cracks. Rather, I think about each crack in my life, and beyond my life, and they start to be more deepening, which may be what we need.
Then Things I’m Thankful For This Week That Help Me Drift Away:
1 – When Lucy wakes and walks to us, with stiff legs and happy ears, she looks like a baby goat.
2 – Time in one of the hammocks from Panama – gosh, they soothe my soul (to drift away..)
3 – Reading mindless (or just not depressing) magazines, like WDW, Yankee, Us Weekly..
4 – Skybar Ice Cream from our local place, which keeps expanding its business/hours.
5 – Kid laughter – and hearing them outside and totally ok, even in this crazy world.
6 – Endless baby kicks, swirls, and somersaults.
7 – Deep cleansing breaths to your soul.
8 – When you hear someone else’s deep cleansing breaths, or tiny snores, in the night.
9 – Knowing about all the great brains out there – running and working overtime.
10 – The places I find in dreaming sleep, of babies and peace. And what I wake up to:
What is it that helps you drift away?
Finish the Sentence Friday is linking up with Ten Things of Thankful this week – because it’s their seventh anniversary! You can link up to this wonderful blog hop (fun old school term!) here.
This week seriously has been just surreal and not even sure what to think or feel anymore to be honest. That said, I think you know which side of the political fence I fall on and starts with an “L” and ends with a “T”. So, hoping with all my might that these recent events will somehow make things better in the end for all. Until then, would love to be able to drift away until better is indeed upon us. Hugs <3
I hear you there!! I really am hoping for some stability or answers. It seems like it will get worse before better.
We went to a cabin this week and I happily turned it all off. Not that it isn’t important, but I am just so dang sad. I hope good comes forward, like it is want to do.
Hugs!
I love that you did that. And I’m sad that you’re so sad. I am too.
I think the TToT is especially needed in times like these. Thank you for joining us again this week. Congratulations on #6!
Thanks! It’s a fun time of pregnancy, although this pregnancy is in a very weird time.
My little Sunny dog is all joy and love, so she calms me and helps me drift away for a little bit. I always say I wish people could be more like dogs. This week has me emotionally weak and angry and sad and frustrated. Maybe there will be some real change from all of this.
I really hope so. The conversations and accountability have to keep going. Such a hard time right now.
I have been lounging in the sun this week and it makes me SO SLEEPY.
It’s the best, though! I love that kind of sleepiness!
I love this. Love your writing style, the questions, some you answer, some you don’t. Brilliant.
And your TTOT – wonderful.
Hope you can drift off to sleep happily when you need to.I have no trouble drifting off. I usually try and settle myself in the now in The Lord’s presence and I absorb the peace.
Good grief it’s all a flippin maelstrom at the moment, and there’s no let up or end in sight, but as you say – should there be? I’m so glad my mind’s not the only one that seems to work in concentric circles sometimes. Glad you’re part of this 😀
So glad for this mashup of these two blog hops on the TToT birthday celebration. It has been quite a while since I participated in the FTSF blog hop, so it is exciting to learn that you have another little one on the way. How exciting. Your children have grown, but that is what children do, Right? And I still love seeing your photos as much as ever. Waking up to those beautiful eyes every morning surely invites some mental telepathy. Love your description of Lucy waking up.
I do believe I need an indoor tent. Love your post!
There’s perfect peace and quiet in these pics Tamara! I can easily imagine 10 ways to drift away in my mind and making them happen leads to more drift away ideas. The original version of this Dobie Gray song takes me back. It was a long running early 70’s AM/FM hit. Dobie jumped at the chance to remake his classic with Uncle Kracker. Check out their video!
Hey! Thanks for joining us at the TToT.
(I always enjoy your ability to weave photos and words, (or perhaps, words and photos)*
Funny thing about the pandemic phase of this decidedly challenging time in history** nearly everyone I spoke with used the word ‘strange’ to characterized the initial weeks.
Your core question, ‘Can we get it all back’ is surely the most universal of questions.
Thoughtful Post and Grat List
*excellent photo of dog, in the last of the sequence
** probably a hint as to finding one’s bearing in disorienting times, won’t do the famous ‘stepping into a river’ quote
Love this and your heart. I really hope that all of this does lead to significant change – I have hope, so there’s that… Here’s to tiny snores and sounds in the night, to drifting away and to BABY SWIRLS!! I’ve said it a lot but will say it again – I am so happy for you.
Also Lucy as a baby goat?! LOVE.
Drifting away is harder these days. Your hammock sounds delicious and certainly will help. It’s such a crazy time and these feelings of the world falling out of control is scary. But then the dog barks, the kids laugh, the baby kicks—-reminders it’s all going to be okay. Loved this finish the sentence post, Tamara. As always your words are beautiful and the pictures also tremendous reminders of the comforts of home.
p.s. You also met Uncle Kracker? You’ve met a lot of musicians and I’m quite jealous. 🙂
That’s a wonderful list, and i wish all of our babies could have grown up and could still grow up in a world where racism is unthinkable.
Love this! I am needing to do this to give my mind a break with all that is going on right now. It’s good stuff, but I still need to unplug.
I drift away with little problem. The world has exhausted me. But at 4 am, I am awake and consumed with worry about what’s to happen to us all.
Your #6 is the BEST. No feeling like it.