About a week or two after Cassidy surprised us with our Rescue Wonder Dog – Athena – she got pretty sick. She was constantly vomiting and having diarrhea – inside, outside, upside down. I even broke a nail backwards (don’t ask for a visual) trying to get the cover off the couch cushion to wash. I wish I had been more sympathetic. I was certainly sympathetic to begin with – this poor girl had been abandoned and rescued and placed in a loving foster home, then spent over 24 hours in a caravan to New England, and then was suddenly ours. And we were hers. This was before we really fell in love and became a family.
Suddenly I had a puppy, and a very sick one at that, as well as two sick kids. I was up in arms. I was worried and protective, but I had two sick kids. Cassidy came home and scooped Athena up in a towel and took her to the vet. They kept her overnight to monitor if she had swallowed something or it was an infection. Ultimately, it was an infection and she got magically better overnight. I thought about her, though. Was she alone? Scared? Crying? Thinking she had lost another family?
When she was well enough to come home, after a day or two, Cassidy went to get her. When he pulled up in the driveway and opened the car door, Scarlet burst through the front doors of the house. “ATHENA!!!!!!” They embraced, and it was like you could hear Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy” playing in the background. I think that’s the moment Athena really knew she was ours.
That Beethoven-embracing moment was also when I realized I was doing something right. I was loving something right. I had my movie moment, right then and there in my yard. I also had a yard. Everything was smaller than I had once imagined..
If you’re diving in without a life vest. If you’re jumping in without a parachute. If you’re diving and jumping into love. If you’re letting your heart hurt, in all the right and wrong ways. If you’re trying to keep it open. You’re doing it already.
I don’t know whether to be embarrassed or proud, when I tell you, that the kind of magic I used to believe in? I believed in until my teen years..(sorta) I’m talking about flying and reading minds. Invincibility. Protection. Magic and magical things.
There’s no right or wrong way to tell you, that what I imagined for myself is so much bigger and smaller than what I have so far. I imagined big city lights and skyscrapers, reaching through the clouds.. Instead, I got four acres of woods and garden.
I imagined that I’d know how to do SOMETHING, in front of many SOMEONES. Sing, dance, give rousing speeches, play piano by ear, act, film, shout, sweat, cry. Instead, I prefer to be behind the scenes. And even behind the behind the scenes.
I imagined I’d be a household name, somehow, somewhere. For saving lives? Directing films? Flying? Instead, I’m no household name, but my photos hang on some people’s walls. My words are in some people’s books, and maybe someday my own.
I imagined perfect health, a million friends, perfect mental health, perfect everything. Instead, I’m just trying – sometimes harder than other times – but surrounded by the most perfectly imperfect and wonderful people I couldn’t yet imagine.
I imagined a son, shaggy-haired, on my lap, and looking past me out an airplane window. Clutching my hands and my heart. I imagined a little girl, with little and big curls, a gigantic heart, and a little red peacoat to match. Oh.. wait.
I imagined a handsome and kind husband, and a movie-esque romance. That’s as far as I got. How else can you dream up a husband/father/son/brother/wizard, who makes costumes out of thin air (and six days) and buys groceries for old ladies.
I thought by this time in life, I’d have a fluffy white dog and a quirky white cat. Instead I got a rescued Basenji/Husky red fox who’s a house elf, best friend, loyal companion. AND..I got a quirky white cat. Well, look at that! Some things you just know.
What I’m saying is that it’s unpredictable and all right and wrong in all the right and wrong ways. What I’m saying is that it’s fluid and changing. Thoughts and dreams are still being imagined, pushed through to fruition, scratching the surface..
I thought I’d be a photographer. I thought I’d be a writer. I never imagined blogging, but whoa – does that make sense. I’m chugging along here, trying to find ways to make those things more and more possible and true and ever-changing. Maybe I’m bigger and smaller in all the right or wrong ways. Maybe there are the things I dreamed that came to life, and just as many that didn’t. Maybe it’s all ok because I’m still here, dreaming up my life, and catching it in my hands. Sometimes misses.
It may not be what you think it will be. It may change, and change again. That’s ok. This week’s Finish the Sentence Friday topic is “I thought that by this time in life, I’d…” and there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin: HERE.