|

Didn’t Know Our Love Was So Small

“Building
Tumbling down
Didn’t know our love was so small
Couldn’t stand at all”

Building, Tumbling down, Didn't know our love was so small, Couldn't stand at all, Mr. St. John, just bring your son, right on time you get..

My Facebook status (and accompanying photo) today:

“Ask me about.. potty trained three-year-olds, almost walking (but delayed with it) one-year-olds who also drop F bombs, having multiple dogs (like way too many), going to therapy, eating bagels, but also watching what I eat, rainbow sprinkles hierarchies, staying even-temperedish, catching up on photo editing, library books, and TV shows, planning travel with money and sanity in mind, planning childcare with money and sanity in mind, bonding with the cat, juggling work and life, and trying to be an all-around better everything.”

It’s such a small fraction of the whole story.

I was just revealing a tiny fraction of my brain, but it wasn’t self-deprecating, and it wasn’t self-congratulating. It was just.. me. My mind. I’m no superhero and I’m no hot mess either. I’m just a combination of everything, and I’m me. And this is my safe space. It’s a little funny here, though, right? It looks different and it does to me as well. The backend looks a little bit of the same, but when I preview the post to (probably badly) edit it, I’m startled at the changes. Things have been weird and tenuous here for about a month, since I got back from Scotland. The blog switched over around the same week, but it has had a lot of growing pains to get through. I’ve been trying to figure out images and tags and subscriptions and emails. There are some things I’ve had to do myself, and most things I’ve hired out. It’s all been a bit of a hot mess on the inside. Tenuous at best, and also gorgeous. I think that’s how I feel about life lately. Tenuous at best, and gorgeous.

Building, Tumbling down, Didn't know our love was so small, Couldn't stand at all, Mr. St. John, just bring your son, right on time you get..

I know I’ve written a lot (but barely covered a fraction) about Scotland, and I will write about the disastrous travel experience (Icelandair, you know what you did and how do you sleep at night??), and I wrote about the funeral services I attended last week, I sort of feel like I’m skating on thin ice right now. Things feel settled, but also not, and it varies in its depth and safety levels. Sometimes I think I’m fine, but nearly have to pull over on the side of the road to deep breathe while driving. Other times, I think I’m not fine, and everything feels more stable internally. It’s like the ice that looks safe to skate on, and then you unexpectedly fall through. Or the ice that looks cracked and unsettled, but surprisingly holds a lot of weight. Sometimes you can tell, and sometimes you can’t.

I mean, that’s life, right? Tenuous at best, and oh so gorgeous.

Building, Tumbling down, Didn't know our love was so small, Couldn't stand at all, Mr. St. John, just bring your son, right on time you get..

Building, Tumbling down, Didn't know our love was so small, Couldn't stand at all, Mr. St. John, just bring your son, right on time you get..

I didn’t know that I/it could all feel so small, and yet also like it’s all part of the large process. It’s funny how things can play nicely with each other, or not. That’s basically like the frame of this blog, and its plug-ins. Add in the updates and the behind-the-scenes, and the technological advances. Sometimes it plays nicely, and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it’s peanut butter and chocolate, or something like that, and sometimes it’s like when I have an existential crisis and anxiety around the same time. They either overwhelm me, or cancel each other out. I think of them as the opposite of one another. In one, every little thing matters and can be terrifying or oh so safe. In the other, I question if anything matters. If I matter. It’s the freedom to question it all and throw caution to the wind. It’s not my default setting, but it has its benefits. Questioning if the ice is too thick or too thin, or if I have it in me to cross the ocean. Or maybe I’m huddled in the corner at the mere thought of going to a routine appointment, or meeting, or anything scheduled.

Building, Tumbling down, Didn't know our love was so small, Couldn't stand at all, Mr. St. John, just bring your son, right on time you get..

Building, Tumbling down, Didn't know our love was so small, Couldn't stand at all, Mr. St. John, just bring your son, right on time you get..

I am equal parts bad ass, and total fearmonger. I’m afraid of too much loud time with Fearsome Foursome (two variations of the Gruesome Twosome – Leela/Rose and Sawyer/Rider) and I’m afraid of too much quiet time with the rest of them. I sometimes always feel like I’m in some sort of trouble, or some sort of disappointment, but I don’t feel that when I’m alone, because it’s simply not true. I think I’m learning to let it all play nicely with each other. And when it won’t, maybe it’s ok to sit back and take a break; a rest. The kids are at school/daycare. The puppies are sleeping.

Building, Tumbling down, Didn't know our love was so small, Couldn't stand at all, Mr. St. John, just bring your son, right on time you get..

Then they come back, and it’s all rinse, repeat. The house is chaos and my brain is chaos and I used to be able to withstand more noise and sensations, but that was maybe one kid ago, and definitely two dogs ago. We constantly need more space from each other. Then, we reconvene.

Building, Tumbling down, Didn't know our love was so small, Couldn't stand at all, Mr. St. John, just bring your son, right on time you get..

Building, Tumbling down, Didn't know our love was so small, Couldn't stand at all, Mr. St. John, just bring your son, right on time you get..

Building, Tumbling down, Didn't know our love was so small, Couldn't stand at all, Mr. St. John, just bring your son, right on time you get..

Sometimes I take breaks in the middle of the day, and sometimes even a delicious and bleary little rest in bed, when I haven’t slept the night before. It’s only a few minutes of sleep to maybe dream, until I hear puppy paws or work email dings, or the clawing sensation that I have to start thinking about where I have to be then. It’s a step in the right direction. It’s small, when everything is overwhelming on the outside, but maybe that’s a metaphor for how it is. Little scary things, as part of bigger safer things. Little safer things, as part of bigger scary things. Just learning to let them play nicely with each other. To figure out what works and what doesn’t. There’s not always a remedy, for when I feel small. For when love feels small. Or large, but smaller than I’d think. There’s not always a way out, or a way back in. Maybe the darkness will always loom just out of sight, or blurring around the edges, to remind us to keep working and seeking a higher out. Maybe that begins with a rest, puppy paws aside. To sleep to maybe dream; to dream to maybe sleep.

In that little bleary blurry space, where everything is all right, and just within reach.

Building, Tumbling down, Didn't know our love was so small, Couldn't stand at all, Mr. St. John, just bring your son, right on time you get..

Building, Tumbling down, Didn't know our love was so small, Couldn't stand at all, Mr. St. John, just bring your son, right on time you get..

Building, Tumbling down, Didn't know our love was so small, Couldn't stand at all, Mr. St. John, just bring your son, right on time you get..

Building, Tumbling down, Didn't know our love was so small, Couldn't stand at all, Mr. St. John, just bring your son, right on time you get..

“Right on time you get closer
And closer
Called my name but there’s no way in
Use that fame
Rent your wife and kids today
Maybe she will
Maybe she will caught a lite sneeze
Dreamed a little dream
Made my own pretty hate machine
Boys on my left side
Boys on my right side
Boys in the middle and you’re not here”

Similar Posts

2 Comments

  1. Your opening paragraph sets the stage for this blog full of tenuous and gorgeous rainbow🌈 sprinkles Tamara! There’s quite a mix of feelings and emotions with creamy middles between shaky starts and fantastic finishes here. Once again you bring them all together with wit and wonder all your own. I enjoy trying to figure this whole big picture out. Your many pictures add to the fun! Many of Tori’s songs allow her listeners to figure out the messages and hidden meanings in the lyrics of her songs too🎵 🤔

  2. I can totally relate to the tension over the website. Sometimes it works really well, other times it seems like things are arguing and crashing. My biggest complaint about being a business owner is technology. That makes me want to pull my hair out every now and then!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.