I don’t expect many people to be reading tonight since it’s the start of a holiday weekend but I wanted to post, both because I like to keep blogging regularly and because I think I need to.
I’ve been feeling my old faithful friend – anxiety – lifting its head from a long slumber and looking around. It’s not severe this time around and I won’t let it be. I’ve been working hard on myself for a long time – it will be two years at the end of this month since I started. However, I still have so far to go. I probably always will. Lately there’s just so much stuff going on and I’d love to lay my head down for a long time and stop all the thoughts. I usually can lose myself when I’m with Scarlet and she’s like the Energizer Bunny but after she goes to bed, sometimes I need to immerse myself in a book or crossword puzzle or movie.
Life is happening fast. To put it briefly and not ramble on about any one thing, it goes something like this: I just ended a job. Maybe. I started a new job. I like it but if Cassidy gets a full time job right now, what will I do? I’m not doing daycare. I’m also not ready to leave her alone with anyone at all other than us. The accident is still too new. I should stop thinking about it until it happens but I can’t. We’re going to California in under two weeks. Holy crap! Cassidy is marrying his friends. I’m not good at flying. It’s a six hour flight with a 14-month-old. We’ll see our old home and all of the things that have changed in the city by the bay and all of the things that haven’t. It will be hard to leave again and come back here like it was last year. Last year was one of the best trips of my life. I want this to mean as much. We’ll go to Calistoga and stay at Scarlett’s Country Inn but Scarlett won’t be there. It might be too sad to be there without her. I can be so good at blocking emotions that are 3,000 miles and years behind me. I won’t be so good at the blocking when I’m there at her home and she’s gone. It’s better not to block, I think. Scarlet’s cut is healing, of course. Every realistic doctor I know has even said we won’t be able to see it within a year or two. Every idealistic person I know has sworn the same. I know they’re right. I know I’m right in thinking the same thing. She will be just fine. So will we. However, a watched pot never boils. I stare at her face every day, all day long. I can’t see it change. That doesn’t mean it’s not changing. But I can’t see it changing. My sister is getting married next month and I’m a bridesmaid. Whoa. My little sister will be married! I’ll be attending a big family wedding! It’s so soon. And Stormy. She isn’t doing well. It’s too hard to think about so I don’t. I shake my head and think everything’s fine. It’s not.
Deep breaths. That was a mouthful. I take lots of deep breaths.
To let some steam off and have a good family time, we took Scarlet to the 3 County Fair in Northampton today.
Maybe it was because it was opening day and they expect the crowds later this weekend but it was lame. There was a tiger show that I watched until the end even though I don’t believe that tigers should be whipped and bribed to perform for a bunch of New Englanders. These tigers hated their trainer. They flinched and bared their teeth at him for a painful 20 minute show. Now how can anyone think that’s right?
However, the point of the day was for Scarlet and she took everything in the way she always does – with style and substance. She even clapped for the tigers because she heard other people doing so. She’s a smartie. She also made lots of friends:
And seriously, don’t mess with alpacas. They are tougher than you’d think:
The fair had hot chicks…literally:
And Scarlet met a real life Baa Baa (not to be confused with Baba – her rubber ducky collection):
She liked all of her new friends but was extra clingy with Cassidy, especially around big animals:
It was sweet and cute. The day wore us all out but we rallied for a wonderful dinner with our friends/neighbors.