It was about 99% me. He got a little green soldier in his Valentine sack at school, and I saw it quickly and exclaimed that he got a parachuter. Then we saw together that it wasn’t, but the seed was planted in his brain. I went out that same night to get groceries for a blog post, and saw a parachuter toy for two bucks in the bargain toy section. Des was asleep when I got home, so I nestled the parachuter in the crook of his arm. This backfired when he woke at midnight from a dream, saw the toy, and ran upstairs to tell us all about it. This resulted in about an hour of Des wriggling, during which Cassidy escaped to the couch, until finally I tucked Des back in his own bed. The next morning, we dropped the parachuter off the balcony.
We spent nearly an entire day flinging two parachuter toys off the balcony, because it was too snowy to fling them off the deck. Nearly every time, the parachutes opened only at the end, and then there was a brief split second of sailing. That made all 1,000 flingings worth it. We slowly learned new tricks to get the parachutes to open up faster. We threw the guys up to the ceiling first, instead of just downward splat. We threw them sideways and upside down, mostly gently and sometimes not.
Sometimes I use the phrase “like jumping without a parachute.” This week, it’s like being shot out of a cannon without a parachute. It’s the first week after vacation. I’m feeling almost impossible in my many ruts. Cassidy left early this morning and Des woke up before six – introducing me to a dark house and two hungry pets. I have to find a VA or two this week.
I have a scary photography job that’s leaving me almost sleepless. My in-laws’ town – close to here – got a WINTER TORNADO. That’s left me more than almost sleepless. I’m taking a trip to NJ this week for my nephews’ joint first birthday party. The breathless shock of parenting time slaps me cold across the face. It’s how fast a year can pass, even with long and cold days.
We’re making big decisions with household stuff. I will blog them, of course, as we figure out our hopes and dreams. It’s more exciting than stressful, for now at least. Then there are work frustrations and fears and hopes like mad! Is that just what happens when you LOVE what you do so much, that you’re constantly afraid it’s too good to be true and it will be taken from you? Is career fear about knowing the cost of loss? Is it fear of failure, or fear of success? I always think it’s a mix of all three.
There’s the question of the third baby, which is clearly not a private one for me, but is often on my mind! I know the ball is in my court, and the button is ready for me to push it (that choice of words is purely coincidental?), but I’m not quite there. My heart is like, “YES” and my brain is like, “You’re almost too old. You’re barely holding it together. You’ll be alone. It will feel awful for nine months.” And then my heart is like, “None of that matters, and probably isn’t true anyway..”
There’s the push and pull of kids back to school today. It’s like I couldn’t wait for today – to be alone – and now that it’s here, I want them back! Gladly, they don’t want me back? Scarlet bowled her best friend over with a hug this morning, and Des let out a WHOOP when I freed him from his car seat and ran into his preschool like there’s no tomorrow. I hope there’s one.
Saving the best for last, this is the week I register Des for kindergarten. Last time this was a big problem for me. This time? I’m more hopeful. Everything is connected and Des growing into a big kid is part of the reason for the house changes, the third baby thoughts, the work hopes and dreams, and feeling like I’m being shot into the world without a parachute.
There’s always a parachute.
All I have to remember, all you have to remember, is that it’s always there – ready to engage, lift you this way and that, and set you down more gently than you expected. Even if it takes 100 times – and even if it takes 1,000 times. Even if it’s tangled half the time, and even if it’s tangle-proof. Even if it’s from a small height, and even if it’s from a great height.