Obviously it’s always been me, in all sorts of posts, but I feel like I’m waking up after a four month hibernation. I really don’t recommend working that much, without weekends, and without coming up for air. When you don’t take care of yourself first, you tend to bottle that stress and you wind up yelling at the black ice in the streets, the van doors, a water bottle, and anything but your kids. Instead, they watch amused. I’ve been hitting high notes and low notes – some are right on the mark..
Before I go further, these are all photos from October 2015 – our Maine trip to see moose. I shared most of the photos from that trip, taken by Scarlet and by me, but these are all stragglers. They are probably a discordant mess – but I assure you they were all taken within the same day or two. All ones of me are when I first woke up! I’m wearing a sweater, yes, but I wore that sweater to bed, so there you go. Why am I telling you that? I’m sharing reflection photos of me when I had just woken up – so it’s almost like the opposite of my face. The mirror image, bedhead version of me. They’re all just lots of “Waldos” who are almost me. I think I’m going to ride the coattails of the Where’s Waldo metaphor a bit. Almost Scarlet & Almost Me:
Are you as tired as I am right now? And I’m talking December, 2016 now and not October, 2015. I don’t know if it’s the bitter cold of the week, the days before the solstice which had the earliest sunsets of the year, or the Christmas craze. Three times in my entire life, the Christmas spirit didn’t grab me, hug me warmly around the throat, kiss me fully on the mouth, and make me smile for days. This is the third time it didn’t. Usually that scenario happens. I don’t know why I can’t feel what I want to feel sometimes. I don’t know why I can’t feel.. in general. It’s not that I can’t, so much as that there are so many feels at once, conflicting, head butting each other, overlapping, not quite meeting in the middle. I feel so much I can’t pinpoint it.
So what to do? I have two days to get that feeling. I can meditate, take a lavender bath, go for a winter hike, breathe deeply into my abdomen, drive to see Christmas lights, listen to “O Holy Night” & “Carol of the Bells” on repeat. I can sit with my feelings, or lack thereof, and circle them around into safe spaces and safe places. I can whisper, “It’s ok to come out now!” until they’re pouring out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I can wrap presents in festive pants. I can turn this post into a “Currently” post, just like that, because how else can you know how you feel until you hear the questions they’re asking.
Reading: Oooh, oooh! I have an answer to this! Pick me, pick me! I had three books from the library: “Falling” by Jane Green. “Truly Madly Guilty” by Liane Moriarty. “The Woman in Cabin 10” by Ruth Ware. I put them all on hold months ago, not expecting to get all three at once. This was during my crazy work period. I started “Falling”, peeked ahead to the end, and realized I didn’t want that story in my life. I was billed full price for the other two because I didn’t return them to the library for months. Finally I did, and only had to pay a minimal late fee. THEN, I realized I wanted the other two back, so I checked them out again. This time, I’ll read them! I started with “The Woman in Cabin 10” because it’s due back earlier.
Planning: Our annual Florida trip, which will be so different this year. Less time in Florida, and more jam-packed. Whatever. I can’t wait to feel warm sun again. I’m also planning eventual world takeover, my 2017 editorial calendar, and gift wrapping.
Stressing: Who even knows anymore? I was so busy working 24/7 for four months, without weekends, dreaming about free time. Now I have it, and it’s well worth it, but I’m panicking that I’ll never be busy again? Even though this is the deadest week or two of the year, and I’m still getting work. I’m cuckoo? I also went overboard with Christmas and I said I wouldn’t, and all I want to do is hand deliver all those presents. A day or two of wrapping, a four hour drive, and the longest sleep night of the year are standing between it! Can I get an Amen if you still get too excited to sleep on Christmas Eve?
Wishing: That all YOUR wishes come true. If you get that movie reference, preferably without Google, I PROMISE you I will send you some sort of reward of your choosing. Leggings, chocolates, eternal respect, hugs around the neck.
Feeling: Like I don’t know what I’m feeling and I get it in spurts and grand unbottlings. (made up that word) It’s like those “flip the bottle” videos on YouTube. That’s my bottle of feelings. Will it burst? Build pressure? Slowly leak?
Listening: The fire going off and then on again. Adele’s “Water Under the Bridge.” And this freakin’ gem of a song – the only country song (I think) I truly, truly love. I know nothing else he sings, but this.. this.. live and on fire and making me FEEL:
Thinking: Has anyone noticed that I flipped the part in my hair to the left, after 36 years of having it on the right? How many leggings do I have? How can I be a better person? Am I Atheist? No. What the heck am I? Why is my brain so weird? Why is my hair so shiny today? Should I have popcorn or ice cream? Why is he so far away? Why is everyone louder than I am? I want a dog and a baby. What am I doing with my life? What am I doing with myself? What am I doing to myself? What am I DOING?
Loving: This is the only one I had to come back to do. Twice. Ok, three times. I can’t stop thinking about boots and leggings, Adele’s new song, all the chocolate in the world, new friends, old love, new love, the way it all flows like so.
Wearing: One of my mothers-in-law gave me a moose sweater!
Hoping: For peace, please.