Last night I went to the library after dark. It was fantastic. Apparently lots of people go to the library after dark. We should even start a secret club called, “Library After Dark.” It’s for people who love the smell of old books. Who love narrow aisles and quiet and the memories of childhood and college spent locked away in old libraries. I secretly think our library looks like Hogwarts and I tell Scarlet that a lot because I want her to grow up and tell people that she goes to Hogwarts regularly.
As I walked to my car alone in the dark, there was a fall breeze and the rich smell of leaves as the wind carried these leaves past my legs. I realized just how much I love fall. I love fall, I love fall. I love it so much. I love it so much it hurts. Holy cow. Pumpkin fudge. Chocolate. Coffee. Hay rides. Corn mazes. Holidays. I love it so much it’s strange that I dread it coming and often struggle a lot around November and January and I can’t stand anything but sundress and BBQ weather during those times. But..shhhh…early fall, you have my heart. How could I ever have lived without the change of four seasons?
I think this is what they call Drunk Blogging. No, I’m not drunk. Not even on NyQuil, which by the way, TOTALLY GETS ME BUZZED. Nope. I’m just Late Night Blogging. It’s dangerous. I’m almost certain I will look back at this one day, or even tomorrow, and think, “What the heck were you thinking? You’re the biggest cold weather grinch on earth. Your overstuffed closet consists of sundress, sundress, sundress, sundress, sundress, flannel shirt, flannel shirt, flannel shirt, old sweater, sundress, sundress, sundress, sundress, sundress, sundress, ripped flannel shirt, sundress, sundress, Doctor Who shirt.”
I wish that were an exaggeration.
Can we lobby to have three seasons? I guess a lot of people I know and love wouldn’t sign my petition because they like skiing and sledding. Hot cocoa and snow days. Snowmen and snowflakes. And I guess I like that stuff too, from a temporary and photography standpoint. However I don’t like numb hands and cracked skin. Dirty slush and salt-crusted windshields. Colds and flus. Ugh. This is why I don’t like fall. Except, of course that I love fall. And fireplaces. And New England.
I secretly love it but I not-so-secretly hate it. And I also secretly hate it and I not-so-secretly love it.
And that’s just how I’m feeling lately, as life questions continue to plague me. I want a house of our own but I also want to stay here. I seriously feel both things at once. I dream and salivate over modern rustic cabins and wood burning fireplaces and acreage and spare bedrooms and granite counter tops. And yet, if I wake up at 3:00 am, I can’t imagine leaving our happy little rental home. I am feeling two things at once. Growing up and letting go. And staying the same and holding on.
And I want another baby but I feel like anytime it didn’t happen, I’d feel relieved and like I dodged a bullet. But I’d also feel disappointed. This is how I imagine I’d feel. I have yet to try and succeed. Or try and fail. Scarlet was a happy little surprise. I want another kid but I don’t want another pregnancy or labor. In fact I spent a lot of last time thinking, “Oh, good. I don’t have to ever do this again.” Famous last words. I might do it again sometime, either here or there. Might. Here or there.
I have certainly suffered from indecisiveness in my life. And indecision. This is different. The mingle of summer into fall is sweet but both seasons alone have their pros and cons. Staying here has its pros and cons and so does leaving our home for a new one. Being a one kid family has its pros and cons and so would becoming a two kid (or three kid) family.
It could all go either way. And I’m learning to be ok with that.
I’m not saying I’m not freaking out at all about life’s decisions. I definitely have my moments, but it’s not a 24/7 thing. It’s just certain moments of a long day. Mostly, I’m more Zen than I’d have ever thought. It’s sort of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” If you both like and dislike your options, well all you can do is just be. And let things come as they will.
The mix and mingle of these different growing pains is sweet and yet painful. Tedious and hard-planned and yet mysterious. Exciting and yet terrifying. Will I survive it whole?
Conflicts. Cycles. In every sense of the words. It could all go either way. And I’m learning to be ok with that.