You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t”
Now I wonder. Is it because I’m SO old, or SO young, that I remember AOL Instant Messenger SO well? I’m going to go with perfectly SO in the middle, but not quite there yet. Still closer to young. I was probably the perfect age for AOL Instant Messenger, maybe not much older or younger than Scarlet is right now. That was social media at its finest, before there really was social media. Is anyone out there still logging on and off? In and out? Hearing the little friendly sounds? Typing…? Social media at its finest could also be said for blogging, and look where that got me. Although that’s not going anywhere, no matter what people say. It’s the pros out there studying keyword research. It’s the diary aspect of blogging that is fairly dead, for everyone but me, it seems. And that’s ok. I’ll literally never stop. I like to think about other people blogging like this. I also like to think about someone out there firing up good old AOL IM in the dead of night.
I know I had IM, still, when I moved to California, or at least right before it. I know this because my ex would put sad song lyrics as his away messages. Hey, were away messages the original status updates?? You didn’t have to be there to read them. They’d just sit sadly in your place. One day was the last day I signed on and off. In and out. And it’s weird to think back on how fast technology changed, and it changed us. Remember when you didn’t carry a phone nearly into the shower? What did you do with your hands? I can’t even remember! I’m nearly always on my phone or laptop for work. Post an Instagram Reel here, and grab a blog post job there. Check my stats and affiliate sales here, and post a super duper goshdarn cute photo of the baby there.
Well. I do. I’ve been struggling with “He’s just not that into you” feelings lately, which is a weird feeling in a large family and with a lot of pets. It’s not necessarily the “he” of the equation, but maybe the “they.” “They’re just not that into you.” I get this, of course, starting from a lifetime of struggles with confidence and abandonment, with a creamy middle of current, weird times, and topped with a cherry of dealing with people who may (or may not) freeze me out during tense (or always) times. The repetition of that alone is probably deadly. Then, there is social media. Is my writing too long? Is it too short? Do I have to worry about Google validating fixes, Facebook error messages, 404 broken links and broken blogs, and 404 broken hearts? Do I post too many photos, or not enough? Are they all the same thing? Is everyone still there? Is anyone still there?
Well. I do. And I am. ‘Cause I can’t make you love me, but I can make me love me. Lately I feel an input/output imbalance, which is so hard in my work. You know. The long game. Work so much and not see instant results. Panic. Back off. Social situations are like that too. Sometimes I fear it’s life catching up with my YEARS of distractions and numbness. Then I realize it’s probably not even about ME, but more the algorithms and rhythms and flows in social media, and maybe the algorithms and wiring in our brains and hearts. It’s politics since 2016; pandemics and the way life has moved on for some, but not all, but most. People are done with screens or long writing or pictures of babies, or maybe not enough pictures of babies. Toddlers? Snow? Cookies? Me?
Maybe I can’t make you love me, but I can just be me. It’s like AOL IM. It used to be everything, then it was part of a lot of things, and now it’s really nothing. Except stuck in the algorithms and wirings of our brains and hearts and our memories. It’s of what not to do. And what to do. It’s of what not to be. And what to be. We carried that through the years and still do, in some capacity, the way we will Facebook and TikTok and blogs. Maybe blogs are dead and dying, or maybe it’s just the diary aspect of blogs are dead and dying, but people have to find their ways to be. Here.
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me”
Karen Klein says
I see you as the center of your family, the foundation. Years ago, as a young mom, an elderly neighbor told me that the mother is the center of the universe, the glue that holds the family together. It’s hard to see when you’re in the middle of it all but all eyes look up to you, all hearts lock into yours, all hands reach for you.
AOL IM. Oh my gosh, I remember that. I hear you though, sometimes it gets so hard to see/remember the us that started everything else. It changes. It morphs. It grows. Plus being in the center of it all is exhausting. I’m like can’t anyone else in this family answer a question???? Or answer their phone to answer that question???
Eddie Staudt says
We’re Very Happy that you’ll still be here Tamara!! Sadly, The .com crash hastened the demise of AIM, but at the height of its popularity, AIM was the “go-to” Instant Messaging Service, and AOL was responsible for at least half of all the CD-ROMs that were manufactured. Look how far the tech world 🌎 has taken us since AIM’s pioneering days! Bruce Hornsby on piano contributed to the original recording of this beautiful song. They reunite for this one on You Tube. Please Check Out that video with Bonnie’s beautifully soft voice accompanied by Bruce on 🎹
Eddie Staudt says
Trying for a few hours to get this video which l have previously seen to play now on my desktop, laptop and android phone, but still haven’t been able to.🤔 I hope you’ve been able to enjoy that video. A You Tube video that does play on all three is “Thing Called Love” from that same concert with Bruce on accordion 🪗 and there is another video with Bonnie and Bruce joined by Melissa Ethridge.
You landed on one of my favorite songs with this one. 🙂 A winner that Bonnie Raitt.
I’ve had some of the same thoughts. Technology and the way we use it continues to shift. I wonder about the blogging. Should I keep it up? Does it matter? Remember how we all used to comment all the time? I don’t know. I liked that aspect of blogging, and now many have dropped off and it has become more about promotion and less about connection.
Something to think about… time is short, and I want to use mine in the best way possible.
I’m SO glad you’ll still be here! You were one of the first bloggers I felt a connection with, back in the early days, and I still do. (Also, I still miss those old SITS girls roll calls.) Blogging is so different now, but reading your blog makes me feel as if it hasn’t changed that much. Your ability to express emotions, along with the amazing pictures, has always been there and is still there. So, you can never leave! Also, being a mom is the most difficult job in the world. THE MOST DIFFICULT. My kids are way grown, and I still say that. And, I only had two! And, you do all of that amazing blog productivity, on top of that! I get tired, just thinking about it.