This post – I feel it so much and I’ve held it in for four days without writing it, and now it’s almost like I’m shouting it.
I’m not, though. I’m slowing down. See? No all caps. If I wrote this in all caps, I’d be shouting. And surely I’d lose some readers but not you, mom. Never you. And I do feel my heart stop pounding so fast and my breathing get easier as I sit to write this out.
We’re at that meeting point where the end of a busy weekend meets the start of a BIG week. And Scarlet went and poked herself in the eye enough to warrant a visit to the doctor’s special Sunday hours. Not as bad as Urgent Care or the ER for sure, but enough to make me worry because that’s what parents do. Is Des drinking enough milk? Does Scarlet need to wear an eye patch to school like a pirate? The saddest thing is always when your child’s in pain, no matter how little. It stings. You get over it fast when it’s not serious.
Still though, it stings.
On top of a whirlwind weekend trip to Jersey and back again. We drove the four requisite hours in the pouring rain to stay at my parent’s house – with sadly, no parents since they were in North Carolina – and then we attended the wedding of a good friend conveniently eight miles from my parent’s house. It would have been more convenient if my parents had been around, but that’s neither here nor there. Enter in the deep emotions of watching a best friend marry the love of his life, and how that makes you feel about your friendship and romance and your own wedding, and then sprinkle in your first afternoon completely away from your kids after putting them in a car with someone else for the first time. Joined with checking their status on your sister’s Facebook page and through text because you’re dying to know what your baby ate at the first birthday party away from you, and how your daughter enjoyed meeting her idol – one hired Cinderella. Top of all of that with a visit to your sister’s unbelievably gorgeous lakehouse..
..and a nearly four hour ride home with a crying baby for the last half hour or so.
Then of course, you feel compelled to sneak in a 1:00 am episode of “Arrested Development” to unwind with even though you have to wake up the next morning to do a double photo shoot – whole family and headshots. And of course, you’re all up early anyway.
On the brink of a BIG week, or BIG month. It’s a month in which I have to face things, and let things go, and really it’s all ok.
We re-live tough anniversaries, year after year. We re-live wonderful anniversaries too. Life is nice like that. There are bodily and heart memories associated with anniversaries coming up. And of course, the new mixed in with the old. I’m a big jumble right now..
– (Wednesday!) June 12th is Scarlet’s last day of her first year of school.
– (Thursday!) June 13th is Desmond’s first birthday. We will mark it by baking cookies for the nurses at the hospital Des was born in because I was whisked to and from there so suddenly, I never got the chance. We will also have a small cake/photo session with him.
– (Saturday!) June 15th is the NICU Reunion at the hospital Des stayed at, and I may get to see/thank some of Desmond’s NICU nurses/doctors again and of course, I’ll get to show him off. June 15th would also have been my father’s 65th birthday.
– July 2nd is the anniversary of my father’s death, and will be the first anniversary of my grandfather’s death. Can’t believe my mom lost them both on the same day, 28 years apart. One only lived until 36. One passed away at 100.
– July 9th is the fourth birthday of my first baby – Scarlet. She will turn the age I never got to turn with two living parents. I’m anxious and excited for this milestone to pass. I’ve been waiting a long time for it.
And I feel..somewhat calm. Nowhere to be found (yet) is the anxiety I’ve grown to put on so often but with hesitation, like an old winter coat. I feel more peaceful than I have expected to feel. I feel almost excited at what I get to feel and experience and grow on.
Bring it, June and July.
Just LOOK at my little big kids. My big little kids. So funny and open, and haughty and pouty. All at once.
Lastly the theme of this blog post and also a sneak peek at one of the tracks from my Des birth music mix. More to come:
“It’s in the way you’re always hiding from the light
See for yourself you have been sitting on a time bomb
No revolution maybe someone somewhere else
Could show you something new about you and your inner song
And all the love and all the love in the world
Won’t stop the rain from falling
Waste seeping underground
I want to break it down” — Tears for Fears from “Break It Down Again”