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Break It Down Again.

This post – I feel it so much and I’ve held it in for four days without writing it, and now it’s almost like I’m shouting it.

I’m not, though. I’m slowing down. See? No all caps. If I wrote this in all caps, I’d be shouting. And surely I’d lose some readers but not you, mom. Never you. And I do feel my heart stop pounding so fast and my breathing get easier as I sit to write this out.

We’re at that meeting point where the end of a busy weekend meets the start of a BIG week. And Scarlet went and poked herself in the eye enough to warrant a visit to the doctor’s special Sunday hours. Not as bad as Urgent Care or the ER for sure, but enough to make me worry because that’s what parents do. Is Des drinking enough milk? Does Scarlet need to wear an eye patch to school like a pirate? The saddest thing is always when your child’s in pain, no matter how little. It stings. You get over it fast when it’s not serious.

Still though, it stings.

On top of a whirlwind weekend trip to Jersey and back again. We drove the four requisite hours in the pouring rain to stay at my parent’s house – with sadly, no parents since they were in North Carolina – and then we attended the wedding of a good friend conveniently eight miles from my parent’s house. It would have been more convenient if my parents had been around, but that’s neither here nor there. Enter in the deep emotions of watching a best friend marry the love of his life, and how that makes you feel about your friendship and romance and your own wedding, and then sprinkle in your first afternoon completely away from your kids after putting them in a car with someone else for the first time. Joined with checking their status on your sister’s Facebook page and through text because you’re dying to know what your baby ate at the first birthday party away from you, and how your daughter enjoyed meeting her idol – one hired Cinderella. Top of all of that with a visit to your sister’s unbelievably gorgeous lakehouse..

..and a nearly four hour ride home with a crying baby for the last half hour or so.

Then of course, you feel compelled to sneak in a 1:00 am episode of “Arrested Development” to unwind with even though you have to wake up the next morning to do a double photo shoot – whole family and headshots. And of course, you’re all up early anyway.

On the brink of a BIG week, or BIG month. It’s a month in which I have to face things, and let things go, and really it’s all ok.

We re-live tough anniversaries, year after year. We re-live wonderful anniversaries too. Life is nice like that. There are bodily and heart memories associated with anniversaries coming up. And of course, the new mixed in with the old. I’m a big jumble right now..

– (Wednesday!) June 12th is Scarlet’s last day of her first year of school.

– (Thursday!) June 13th is Desmond’s first birthday. We will mark it by baking cookies for the nurses at the hospital Des was born in because I was whisked to and from there so suddenly, I never got the chance. We will also have a small cake/photo session with him.

– (Saturday!) June 15th is the NICU Reunion at the hospital Des stayed at, and I may get to see/thank some of Desmond’s NICU nurses/doctors again and of course, I’ll get to show him off. June 15th would also have been my father’s 65th birthday.

– July 2nd is the anniversary of my father’s death, and will be the first anniversary of my grandfather’s death. Can’t believe my mom lost them both on the same day, 28 years apart. One only lived until 36. One passed away at 100.

– July 9th is the fourth birthday of my first baby – Scarlet. She will turn the age I never got to turn with two living parents. I’m anxious and excited for this milestone to pass. I’ve been waiting a long time for it.

And I feel..somewhat calm. Nowhere to be found (yet) is the anxiety I’ve grown to put on so often but with hesitation, like an old winter coat. I feel more peaceful than I have expected to feel. I feel almost excited at what I get to feel and experience and grow on.

Bring it, June and July.

Just LOOK at my little big kids. My big little kids. So funny and open, and haughty and pouty. All at once.

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Lastly the theme of this blog post and also a sneak peek at one of the tracks from my Des birth music mix. More to come:

“It’s in the way you’re always hiding from the light
See for yourself you have been sitting on a time bomb
No revolution maybe someone somewhere else
Could show you something new about you and your inner song
And all the love and all the love in the world
Won’t stop the rain from falling
Waste seeping underground
I want to break it down”
— Tears for Fears from “Break It Down Again”

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46 Comments

  1. Such beautiful photos and beautiful kids.Thanks for joining our momma notes. You are an encouragement to me and countless other moms. We would be delighted to have you link up this post or another again.Monday … join the melody.Simply slip your post into the link up. You can grab the button if you would like as well. I'll start the splash on Mondays. And I know the filled to the brim momma schedules … so join us any day of the week and link up.Happy day,Sarah

  2. What a list of big days in such very little time! I know the feeling of those sad anniversaries creeping up..the melancholy. the great memories mixed with the sadness. Thinking of you. xo

  3. Life really does have a way of mixing the happy and the sad anniversaries together, doesn't it? It sounds like a time where busy and emotion are all wrapped together. I am glad you are feeling a sense of calm as you approach the coming days.

    1. So far, so good! I've learned how to soothe anxiety over the years. It's not foolproof but I think it's really coming in handy and showing its strength lately..

  4. Your children are so amazingly gorgeous! You have a huge month ahead of you! Lots of emotional significance…happy and sad, but nontheless milestones and memories to cherish.

    1. Ah, thanks. They're very photogenic..mostly. It's an interesting time with a lot of transitions. Tomorrow is the last day of school and I'm going to try not to cry!

  5. So many milestones, both happy and sad. Happy birthdays to Scarlet and Des, and may June and July be full of celebrations of the people you love and have loved.

  6. Oh my Gosh, I need a nap just reading all that you have coming your way. It is hard when there are events coming that will make you sad, because you want to be fully present for the happy ones…hugs to you.-Ashley

  7. Oh my goodness what a series of events you have! I'll be thinking of you over these next few weeks. So many heart tugging moments in such a short span of time.

  8. I have been on a "last year at this time" thing myself with memories of rescuing Nana and Pop Pop form their respective care facilities, rushing up to help with Scarlet as Desmond entered our world, rushing back to bury Pop Pop, et cetera. I look at the present with open eyes and an open heart. I look forward to a lot of special occasions and birthdays, sharing love with you and our family, opening up to the NOW.

  9. Oh hon…I have a post slated just like this for tomorrow. Summer brings up so many memories that I cannot shake. I can't. I don't think that people understand what an "anniversary" of something terrible can do to your psyche.But I know that you can make it through this. Will it be tough? Will it be emotional? Yes. But you are so much stronger.What has been done can't be unwritten, but we learn from it. We would love to tear out that page in our books, but it will always be there. We can't let it dictate what our future holds.xoxo

  10. It sounds like you have an emotional couple months ahead, and some wonderful memories to make! I bet your father and grandfather are looking down at your beautiful family with pride! Thinking of you!

  11. What a great month of celebration! Your kids are truly adorable. I love the age four. It is the age of my oldest granddaughter. It's not quite a big kid and not quite a little kid so you get this fun mixture of both moments even though it's sad to see her growing up. Have fun at the hospital reunion. I love my hospital family!

  12. Happy belated birthday Des! Congrats Little Miss Scarlet on completing your first year of school! What an amazingly busy June and July! Wishing you well and the strength to make it through with your sanity in tact! 😉

  13. I know with the anniversary of my dad's death, the emotions came strong and fast sometimes, and other times it's more subtle. I just dealt with it as it came – and always keep in mind that although all these events have taken hold on the calendar, there are many other things yet to happen which will give us some of those happier mileposts too.Awesome post.

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