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Anything You Want, You Got It

“Anything you want, you got it.
Anything you need, you got it.
Anything at all, you got it. Baby!”

Anything you want, you got it. Anything you need, you got it. Anything at all, you got it. Baby! Roy Orbison with the Traveling Wilburys.

Every morning, now, I make the bed, smoothing all the covers and corners and sides.

I run a reassuring hand over my work, happy about the colors and covers and corners and sides; even happy about the slight imperfections. I was never perfect at making beds, least of all when I was an actual Urban Innkeeper way back in another life. It was ok, though. People don’t care about perfect beds, so much as chocolate sweetness on the pillow and no creepy crawlies, or worse, underneath the covers. These days, I work to make sure there’s sweetness on top of the pillows, and no demons underneath the covers. It isn’t easy; will never be easy, but I can try. I start by making the bed. Each morning, no matter how I feel – with my aching head or aching chest. Maybe a slight dizziness at trying to take on too much, too fast. Or else I feel perfect. No matter. I smooth the covers and the corners and sides and breathe deeply for one job done well.

baby in bed

Just one job. And boy, it’s been a WEEK for me. The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs..

And very little creamy middles. It’s weird for me how much I miss a year ago right now, and there’s no reason to miss a year ago right now. I was pregnant, the pandemic was just at the beginning of its marathon and not sprint, and the kids were home indefinitely. I felt a little desperate and a lot claustrophobic, with being pregnant, and with having the kids at home. There was so much we didn’t know yet, and still don’t know, but I suppose it had an innocence as well. Maybe we still had hope, before over 500K Americans passed away. Now we still have hope, because the science stepped up to the plate. I was desperate for my kids to go back to school. Absolutely desperate for a feeling of normalcy – and for long afternoons taking my first trimester pregnancy naps. Or maybe staring into space without the constant kid interruptions.

I wasn’t picky.

Anything you want, you got it. Anything you need, you got it. Anything at all, you got it. Baby! Roy Orbison with the Traveling Wilburys.

And now, I miss all of that sweetness on the pillow, for what we didn’t know was under the covers, and for thinking not of the past or future, but of the sweet, kind, loving simplicity of the present. A present. There was never any reason to know what time it was, or what day it was. The days stretched and contracted in the woozy doozy timey wimey ways. The problem with being half asleep, all the time, is that when you wake up and realize what you missed, and will still miss, the pain is unbearable. There’s always some reason to be half asleep; some excuse. And some are much better than others. Much better. Like pandemics and pregnancies and low lying mastitis. Then there’s anxiety; my always companion. How can I expect others to know it’s there, when I don’t even know it’s there? That’s unfair. Maybe we’re all just waking up these days, at different times and in different places. I think about what I’ve lost, and I, can’t bear it. Not a bit.

There’s more than damage. Growth takes root under covers and through cracks. It’s hope.

FOAMO foam machine

“I live my life to be with you.
No one can do the things you do.
Anything you want, you got it.
Anything you need, you got it.
Anything at all, you got it.”

We’re big Marvel fans here, so we’ve been talking about “the blip” of the movies and shows – how the complicated villain, Thanos, snapped his fingers – turning half of the universe’s populations into dust. For five years. Then five years later, after the Avengers had gone back in time to get all the Infinity Stones, Iron Man developed a gauntlet for Hulk (and eventually for himself) to fight Thanos and his creepy army, and to snap everyone back. It worked! It really did. The problem? Well there are many problems I can’t even write about (sob) but imagine if half of our population left for five years and then came back? What a scatter and a clatter! Kids who haven’t grown in five years. Kids who have. School and work and resources, oh my. The craziness. The sheer craziness of money and love and growth and therapy and trauma and so much more.

Anything you want, you got it. Anything you need, you got it. Anything at all, you got it. Baby! Roy Orbison with the Traveling Wilburys.

And THAT describes how it feels to have sent Des back to full time in-person learning this week. Some kids have grown up SO MUCH. Others, not as much. Des is now taller than kids who were much taller than him. There are new families I’ve never met. We’re all wearing masks, which adds to the weirdness, so I find myself just saying “hello” to anyone I see, because they can’t see me smile. There’s social anxiety and also how things feel the same, but also not at all the same. There’s still very much a pandemic, but also more hope. Pregnancies have become babies, and also losses. We all wear and bear our own weights of the “blip” in our bodies and in our eyes too.

The masks hide a lot, but they illuminate the eyes even more.

I don’t know how to tell you that I’ve changed, and that the “blip” spit me out very differently too. It wasn’t just the pandemic, of course, but a universe of other stories – of sweetness on pillows, and demons beneath the covers. Demons on pillows and sweetness underneath the heavy, suffocating darkness. I don’t know how to tell you that it’s visible; not just in the faint remnants of pregnancy on my stomach, or maybe extra lines around my eyes that a mask now illuminates. So many deep secrets and fears take root and hold; not allowing the spring hope to burst up and through. I’m ready to be free, not of anxiety or whatever else I can’t control, but of living, loving, breathing underground. Of existing anywhere but in the sweet air of the surface.

While letting the best parts of the depths keep me grounded; rooted.

Anything you want, you got it. Anything you need, you got it. Anything at all, you got it. Baby! Roy Orbison with the Traveling Wilburys.

It’s in the beauty of an almost ordinary day, and trust me, it was more than the pandemic that gave me this appreciation. When Des is complaining about the laundry, while I’m almost burning dinner. When my head hurts from walking into a lantern on the side of the house, because I was trying to avoid Lucy jumping on me with her muddy paws. When I’m making dinner for the kids, and also a bottle for the baby, and I haven’t rested in 12 hours. It’s ok. It’s this absolute appreciation for all I have, and I’m learning to feel like I deserve. I don’t know when it will feel like mine, or if it will, but I want that, and I have to make my wants known. This beautiful life; this beautiful love. I’d never settle for anything less, and maybe they wouldn’t do so either.

EVERYTHING is simpler if you add at least equal parts heart to your thoughts. Maybe more, but at least equal parts. It doesn’t feel good? Don’t do it? It’s not yours? Don’t take it. It is yours? Keep it. Should you ask him what he wants for breakfast it and overthink it? Just make it. Just do it. If it’s at least equal parts heart to your thoughts, it will be worth it. Don’t know how to do it? Take a deep breath, do something else, and then come back to it. Do it by heart first, and especially if the skill is already within you. Don’t know if you should say it? Don’t say it. Do you think you should say it? Say it. A simpler, kinder, more loving life, because really, what else is so worth it anyway? I wish it hadn’t taken me this long to realize what I want to hold onto, not too tight so as to cause suffocation, but tightly enough to show its great worth in my hearts and in my thoughts. And I hope, to God or Gods and Goddesses, or to whatever higher power of ME I can reach, that this simpler, kinder, more loving heartset and mindset is here with me to stay.

I don’t know how to tell you that it’s here to stay, but I plan to show you in 1,000 ways.

Anything you want, you got it. Anything you need, you got it. Anything at all, you got it. Baby! Roy Orbison with the Traveling Wilburys.

“I’m glad to give my love to you.
I know you feel the way I do.
Anything you want, you got it.
Anything you need, you got it.
Anything at all, you got it.”

“You Got It” was song #18 on our birthing playlist.

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10 Comments

  1. Definitely different here after this last year, as well. But this week I think I finally began the long road back. I got my 2nd Moderna Shot and can now somewhat see a light at the end of that very long tunnel. Hugs and here is to us finding our way back very soon ❤️

  2. Isn’t it crazy how people change in one year? I felt that way when I volunteered at a service even at church and all these kids were showing up who had grown what felt like a foot! And I was still my tiny self. Time is such a fascinating thing to grapple with. We are in it, and yet sometimes we have experiences that feel outside of it. Weird. Love all the photos – the bubble are terrific:)

  3. I feel like I finally see a little bit of light. My parents both have been vaccinated, Izzy and I are in the middle of getting vaccinated, and my brother has his first dose on Tuesday. I still will be masking up and not eating in restaurants for the time being, but it feels better than last year.

  4. Thank You Tamara for your tips on how to live with, and hold on to a simpler, kinder, more loving heartset and mindset. It’s great advice that we could all use especially at this time, and in the weeks and months ahead. All your pics are such happy, bubbly treats to go along with your helpful tips. What a great live performance video of Roy. The most velvety smooth singing voice ever! My brother and sister turned me on to his music at a very early age. Give a listen to his amazing duets with k.d. lang, “Crying” and Emmylou Harris, “That Lovin’ You Feeling Again.” I haven’t been cleared to return to work yet. I thought I was so close, but I’m pressing through another mild relapse with my spirits up, and Lindsay’s vitamins and supplements regimen. I’ll beat this virus yet! 👍👍

    1. I’m so sad you’re still fighting it! I swear I like these Friday posts most of all because I get to hear from you. Keep going and you WILL beat it. I got my dose 1 of Pfizer yesterday and feel so lucky to be closer to protected. Thinking of you!

      1. Thank You Tamara for thinking of me as you and your family always do, and especially now that I’m at the back end of this battle, but not quite all the way through it. You have just given me the Biggest Boost, and l will ride with it all the way to the end! I’m happy that you got your first dose of the Pfizer vaccine which more and more people are feeling confident about. Sending my thoughts and heartfelt appreciation and gratitude to you and everyone in your family!

  5. I am truly loving the coming back to life phase we seem to be in. The pandemic and past election had me over-thinking everything and now I am coming around to a new, better perspective and yes to a kinder and simpler life!

  6. Tamara, this is such a beautiful message, along with the happy photos! I feel like it really suits the season as well. Gratitude in between the trying moments are what make life happy. It’s been quite a year and more to come. We’re a little behind on our vaccinations so it’s a bit frustrating. At least our elderly and front line workers have been done. I think when we get to where you guys in the U.S. (with the vaccination) are, there will be a sigh of relief. Sending much love to you!

  7. Love Roy! You guys did a bubble party? We did one too and it was the funnest! I miss last year, because all of my people were home. Weird what we miss even a hard year, right?!

    Sending you hugs! your pictures and song choice made me happy!

  8. Congrats to Des being back as school. I can’t believe how long y’all were virtual. I don’t think I could have handled it. I also can’t believe how tall he’s gotten.

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