And that’s to start it. And to tell you that a year ago I wrote a Fall Bucket List for 2015 and called it “Under the Table and Dreaming.” It was this song, though – “Ants Marching” and that was on the tip of my tongue. I came here to write a fall bucket list and to tell you everything I love about fall, and the one thing I hate about fall. The one thing I hate is that it means the end of summer. It marches out like the ants – out the doors and out the windows. Floating out on a crisp breeze.
We had a bit of an ant problem, after ten days out of the house. They march in and out in different directions, all chaotic, and it surprises me when I see them marching out in a straight line. We don’t see them much anymore. Time marches on.
Yesterday, I was near Des’ daycare after breakfast and I heard them all come out of the house for their daily walk/stroll. I saw him and he didn’t see me and I was a fly on the wall, an ant marching by, but I couldn’t help it and I leaped up the porch and lifted him in the air. “Mama!” He laughed! “I’m not ready to go home yet! Put me down!” I started to walk away and he grabbed my shirt and gave me a dazzling, heartbreaking grin and one of his signature chaotic waves. That same push/pull.
It’s the way the words sometimes don’t/can’t/won’t come, and I try again another day. What if they still won’t come? What if I’m blocking them? But they do, and they march by, and I have to grab them – one by one – because everything marches on.
It’s the way the work doesn’t come, for weeks, and then it comes marching in from all directions, all chaotic, and sometimes in consistent straight lines, and I’m underwater and I shouldn’t be taking on new tasks, but I can’t stop. I can’t stop trying. I can’t stop building and creating. I’m like an ant marching – but this time I’m the leader and if I stop, well I can’t stop.
And oh, it’s the way we miss summer but welcome fall.
It’s in the way that Alaska feels so far away now – escaping into a backwards abyss – being swallowed up piece by piece – and I have to keep the pieces together. It’s in the way that Alaska feels both like the end of dreams – and the start of dreams.
I always miss spring/summer for the possibility. For longer stretches of days, filled with four or five adventures. I miss it for the light and the warmth. I miss it for the dreams. You can find it all, though, no matter when. You can seek adventure out.
Fall pushes summer out, and now it’s time to pull fall in. So close.
It’s the push and pull of loving them both for different reasons. It’s craving the next one and missing the last one just as soon as it starts. It’s the push and pull of time moving on, quite like ants marching in a straight line. Passing me by. Taking me in.
She thinks, we look at each other
Wondering what the other is thinking
But we never say a thing
These crimes between us grow deeper”
— Dave Matthews Band
This is me linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s topic is “What I love (or hate) about Fall is…” And there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin on any of the matters: HERE.