And I wouldn’t want to anyway. This holiday season had some darkness and had some light, as they all do. There were moments of pure holiday spirit, like when I took the kids to the Look Park Santa’s Trains event and they got to see their friends sing. Then we took a holiday hayride out there in the bitter cold, and the wind took my breath away, but I saw so many kids looking at holiday lights in awe. Including my own! Very much still believers. Maybe they always will be.
I was never overtaken by the holiday spirit, but maybe I was happy enough to have the small moments that washed over me and stopped me in my tracks. The darkness I had this holiday season was maybe not the worst kind of darkness – the dense balls of doom and gloom that spiral bigger and darker. This was more like those balls of spikes and chaos that you can split apart to see the light – even before they’ve fully moved on. Maybe they’re still hovering but you see the tinsel and glitter and say, “I want that. I shall have that, but maybe not today.” It’s ok.
There’s a spirit in me, and a drive, and that’s what I always wonder is the true magic and power. Is it in the spirit and the fire, the drive to do better, say it better, make it better, and then spread that blanket of love over onto others? And then if all of our spirits and our fires and our drives hang out together, what are the limits? Maybe there are none. So basically what I’m trying to say is that I had some darkness – as we all do – and it was more external than my normal darkness – but it played not so nicely with my internal darkness. It made me feel like I meant nothing and could do nothing, but it simply wasn’t true. And I know that and so do you. I hope!
And you, you superhero. Muddling through heartache and family drama and eating too many cookies, and not enough vegetables. Connecticut traffic and a long December, and reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last. Working hard on not disappearing, and working hard on your bright colors and love and kindness. It’s a weird time of year, no doubt.
I don’t forget, though, that I can be surrounded by people shouting “I LOVE YOU” right in my face, and still feel like I’m disappearing like a slow form of quicksand. Slow-sand, being swallowed by the earth. And it makes me think so much about checking in on my loved ones who have less neon signs than me. And it’s funny because it happens late at night, when I’m in and out of consciousness – half-finished text messages and emails – answered and replied and then sleep and then answers and replies. I wake up to them. They brighten my day. I’m a bit like a bear in hibernation, falling asleep to the three dots of response, and waking up to know we’re all just thinking about each other. Just hold your people in your heart even closer than ever.
And so, this is Christmas.
What can I say? We loved on the people we saw, and missed the ones we didn’t! Scarlet asked Santa for a red scooter, and Des asked Santa for a hammerhead stuffie. Those were different answers from what they asked Santa for in November, so they each got two gifts from Santa and a few from us. And gorgeous gifts from family. Turns out, Scarlet got a hot pick scooter.
I’m linking up with Finish The Sentence Friday (FTSF) for another fun and challenging prompt. This week’s topic is “The Holidays..” And there’s time to write yours. Link up your post HERE.