It’s over. Another Christmas Day long prepared for and gone within a day. A long day, but just a day, nonetheless.
Sometimes I think I’m too sensitive for this world. Sometimes. That may sound strange. I know I’m not alone. Maybe we’re all like that at times throughout life. Sometimes I just feel too much at one time and I can’t contain all of the emotions.
A therapist once told me that I feel too much at once and that’s why I write – so that my pages (and computer screens) can catch the overflow of emotions. And if there’s a particularly large deluge of emotion that my brain and even my pages (and computer screens) cannot handle, I feel the emotions physically. They can be good emotions too. I’m no stranger to pounding hearts, light-headed dizzy spells, gasps of air that rush into my whole body and make me float away. They’re not always good, though. It’s the shifts, the generational shifts, the life cycles, the season cycles. The major shifts like deaths and births are more obvious reasons for this too large heart in this too small body. It’s also the small things – holidays coming and going. They swirl through me, making me feel a bit ill at the strangest times, making me want to sob at the strangest times. And also – making me feel larger joy than I ever knew possible. At all times.
I always knew we’d all get older..but I didn’t know it. When you’re young, you do feel like you have forever and ever to be young, don’t you? I know I did. And I know this might sound silly because I’m only 30, but it’s still prevalent in my thoughts lately. Our family traditions are altering slightly but surely. Christmas was more about the babies this year – my own and my new nephew. They were both too young to really know what was happening but the shift has started. As more of the “children” of my family get married and have their own children, where do we all end up year after year?
This is not even in my top five of Fleetwood Mac songs, but the lyrics to “Landslide” are what I’m going through today. So glad I’m not the only one who feels this:
“Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Oh oh I don’t know, oh I don’t know”
And yet…at other times in life, I can barely channel these heavy emotions, these overwhelming emotions. It’s not that I’m hardened when this happens – it’s that I’m secured in place, in life, at least temporarily.
Why didn’t this total growing pains/generational shift/coming and going anxiety hit me earlier, like when I discovered I was pregnant or when I first had my baby? Well it did, but only a bit. With the pregnancy discovery, I needed to eat and sleep and breathe and be happy and relaxed for my baby to grow. So I was. After she was born, I was in the baby blur for a year. Joy and exhaustion and learning. And now it’s been a year and a half. It’s like I crawled out after all those months, blinked in the sun and looked around, and my world had changed. Big.
And now, the photos. It was joyous, hilarious and warm and loving. Squishy, mushy, heartbreaking feelings at the generosity of people who don’t have a lot of money. Happy, lovey, fluffy feelings to love and be loved in return. It was…this:
This is Cody:
This is Cody yawning, not attacking as it may look like:
This one looks so much like I did as a kid. Not as a baby, but as a kid:
All dolled up for the annual Carlsons’ Christmas Eve party. Yes, she’s wearing gold shoes. They’re from her flower girl outfit from my sister’s wedding. And it is Jersey, you know:
And introducing, for the first but certainly not last time on my blog – my nephew, Andrew!
I keep thinking Scarlet was never that small, but Andrew was born almost two pounds more than her! She does dwarf him right now but that’ll probably change one day:
Love, love, love. Big families marrying into big families, marrying into big families. We are a growing bunch. And it’s only just begun.