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And It Wears Me Out

“And it wears me out
It wears me out
It wears me out
It wears me out”

And it wears me out, It wears me out, It wears me out, It wears me out, And if I could be who you wanted, If I could be who you wanted..

Sometimes, you have tough wake ups.

Like when you fall asleep late in the day, and maybe you’re sick and maybe you’re not, but you wake up in foggy disorientation. For a split second, you might not even know what day it is, or what year it is. You might not even know who you are, but you recover nicely. It’s strange to fall asleep when it’s light out, and to wake up not much later, and it’s dark and cold. It’s strange to go to a movie in a theater in the daytime, and expect to blink back into the sunshine after the credits have rolled, but now it’s so dark, and you don’t remember where you’ve parked your car. Sometimes, it’s strange when your nose is running for several different reasons. Maybe you are getting over a cold, but you also have allergies. Also, the cold air dries you out and makes you fumble for old tissues in your old coat, and you’re still just getting used to wearing it all again.

Maybe you’re pregnant, and that also makes your nose run. That makes everything weird.

And it wears me out, It wears me out, It wears me out, It wears me out, And if I could be who you wanted, If I could be who you wanted..

Some days, my bones feel more brittle, as I wait for them to warm up. It’s an in-between time. I feel normal, but I do have a baby bump, with no regular kicks yet. It’s an in-between time. I wore flip flops last week, and a winter coat this week, and we’re not quite at pellet stove levels of cold yet, but my bones don’t wake up enough to start working when they’re older, colder, and brittle. Some days, I can’t quite negotiate this new way of living with the older way of living. Turns out, that my fingers still get too cold to type many emails and edit my photos, only, I barely use my upstairs computer these days. The kids aren’t home remote schooling, and the baby isn’t a baby baby anymore. So I walk Scarlet to the bus, because Des’ school starts earlier this year, and it’s all in the topsy turvy upside down. It’s weird. And it’s also not. My bones are older now, and I try to negotiate everything I’ve learned or maybe I’ve unlearned against the odd in-between days.

It’s weird to me how it flip flops and flip flops again, in this topsy turvy upside down world, but some things just go right back to normal. It gets cold, and your hands fit perfectly in the gloves you dig out of the basement box. It gets harder to breathe, and really, to do anything, and your soul feels heavier. And yet, you can sit down with ease; take a hearty breath right by the fire. It’s getting more normal to run it these days, and your breathing is getting more even as well. It’s time to settle down, and it’s ok to settle down. Sometimes I sink down in a nap and think, “Why am I so tired?” The answers are numerous. Alarmingly. It could be because I work 2-3 jobs, and it’s a full-time job to chase a one-year-old, and a full-time job to grow his unborn sibling, and it’s a full-time job to make sure the older kids have their lunches and homework, much less their masks and hand sanitizers. It’s a crazy world, and it wears me out. It wears me out more now.

It comes on fast, which means it’s time to slow it down.

And it wears me out, It wears me out, It wears me out, It wears me out, And if I could be who you wanted, If I could be who you wanted..

The boots feel stiff and unworn, and that’s because they’ve been stiff and unworn. And it’s also ok not to learn how to walk comfortably in them, and it’s ok not to teach them to mold against your feet, or to teach your feet to adapt to your warm and steady boots. It’s ok to get a new pair, and completely relearn how to walk in the snow again, and how to glide. How to adapt, how to rest, and how to get up again when the snow is hitting you hard. Maybe you’d rather lie back and make snow angels instead, to stare up at the swirling flakes gathering new moisture in your eyes. Where stark cold hits your warm tears; it all swirls about and you no longer know which way is up, or which way is down. It’s ok. Sit back down. Settle back down. It comes back around.

I’ve had trouble slogging through fall and winter before, probably many times over, but the pacing, urgency, and reactions change with age. They change with weather and trips to warm places, and pregnancies, and having newborn babies, or not. They change with holidays and marriage and expectations. Sometimes it’s something I can barely get through, and other times it flies by. Time goes by in its strange ways. I have never had to slog through a winter, with such a sweet reward waiting for me only days after our calendar spring will arrive. Each minute that passes, sometimes, feels like a watched pot of water waiting to boil. Time will do its thing, and I’ll do my best to manipulate it in my own way, or at least manipulate my experience with time. That, I can do. And I can gather them all closer, ever closer, while we wait for magnificent things.

And make even more magnificent things happen in the meantime. In the in-between.

And it wears me out, It wears me out, It wears me out, It wears me out, And if I could be who you wanted, If I could be who you wanted..

“And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time
All the time”

This was a flush the format week, because it’s been a bit heavy and wearing/tearing lately with the cold and the cold weather and I had to write this, but I’ll be back to my baby mix next week.

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6 Comments

  1. Yup, cold weather finally hit here too this week. So strange that only a week or so ago it was 80 and I was indeed wearing flip flops and now boots and coat. But time just keeps marching on. While (as you know) I am not a fan of the cold and also changing those clocks this weekend, part of me is embracing it for some reason this year. So, there is that. Hugs ❤️

  2. I can totally relate to feeling worn out. It just gets harder every year. The old adrenaline doesn’t do it for me anymore. When the turn the clocks, I’ll be ready for bed at 7pm!

  3. Oooh, seasonal changes can really give us doubts—what to wear? which shoes? when will it get light outside? how much more snow (or rain in my case) can possibly fall?
    Furthermore, you’re waiting for baby You Know Who and the waiting can make a momma tired.
    What a beautiful song. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it so thanks for sharing it. Have a lovely and quiet weekend.

  4. I love the Halloween costumes! So cool! Halloween was fun this year, it was almost normal and felt great!

    I can understand the feeling worn out, but for you, it’s totally understandable. You have a lot going on! It’s an exciting time for you. but draining too for sure!

    Keep up the baby bump pictures 🙂

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