I would imagine feeling colorful and fanciful, and maybe even weightless, like I could float up to the ceiling like a balloon. Or that I’m completely cushioned on all sides – like the best kind of padded room I could imagine. I can imagine delight – and an inevitable desire to throw, kick, toss, and do anything to those balloons in a perpetual “game” of keeping them in the air.
I like that. Feeling safe and secure, and maybe a little in awe. We all just need our own room of balloons sometimes, don’t we? As long as I have a room I can go to, I am mostly always fine. It used to be more true than it is now. As I grew from childhood until adulthood, I had a personal journey of figuring out my personal space issues, and being assertively kind, or kindly assertive when I asked someone to back up. I don’t always react well when my space is threatened, with no backup.
I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it started, if it didn’t start at birth. My guess is that after my father passed away, many people were in and out of my life and my space, and people were playing roles for me that my mother or father previously played. My mom met my now-dad who had three young children, and we bunked altogether in smaller rooms or in hotels while our house was being renovated to comfortably hold seven people. 5 still-grieving children and 2 still-grieving parents.
All I know is that when the house was finally finished, my parents hand-picked my childhood bedroom for me. A large room at the end of the house. A separate oasis to escape to whenever I needed. My room often full of balloons. Color and softness. Familiar noises. Safety, security, and maybe a bit of awe. For years, friends and family and even my siblings asked why I got that particular room. My parents always replied something to the effect of, “We knew this was what she needed. A dreamer, a reader and a sleeper needs her space.” I ad-libbed a bit, but that was what they decided for me and that is how I lived.
In this week’s Finish the Sentence Friday, Kristi asks the question of what you do when you’re upset, with a rhyme! Are you a pacer, a retreater, or a stress-eater? I don’t get upset often, but when I do, it’s often when my space is threatened – physically, emotionally, mentally, through work, through my kids, through my loved ones – whatever it is that makes me get into defend, defend, defend mode. Not always logical, and maybe logical less than half the time! It’s having different equipment for different reactions to different scenarios. We’re all equipped differently, and sometimes in contrast to how we were a year ago. Or maybe, a day ago? I always need my space, my place, my room full of balloons. For comfort, for safety..
It’s this balloon room I have constructed, that I can take anywhere I please. I only get upset when someone threatens it. When I have to step out of it to see what’s amiss – what is threatening this safe, comfortable, awe-inspiring room? It’s this cozy unit in this cozy life – with this cozy family and this cozy job – and this pretty, pretty room. When something threatens it? Well, good. That’s how we learn to adapt and stretch, but God, I fight it tooth and nail at first. This week I got upset:
When I had not enough work to do and was worried it meant something
When I wanted to be alone too much
When I needed people around me too much
When I had a frustrating work situation that made me feel awful
When I felt like a washed up hack with no talent
When I couldn’t turn the radiance on and off, but mostly not ON
When there were six weeks left of winter, and four years left of us all fighting on Facebook
When I have FEELINGS
When I don’t
When someone did something extraordinary for me when I felt like a waste of life
When my IUD was an a-hole, but to remove it might get me more than I bargain for
When I couldn’t/can’t choose a direction with that (above) one!
When I get upset, and when I can’t find my room, I pace, retreat and NOT-stress-eat (seriously, I lose weight when I’m upset and it sucks). When I get upset, I claw my way back to my room, or I just go and make another. Taller. Roomier. Balloonier.
I wish you all a room of balloons – always there waiting for you should you need it – but always there to remind you what you can do when you have no balloons to keep you safe, comfortable, and in awe. You blow up some more, and make a new room.
And oh, what you can do there, and beyond!
This is me linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s topic is “When I’m upset, I…” And there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin on the matter: HERE.