I had a vivid dream last night that I had another baby, and boy did it set forth fears I didn’t even know I had about having a second child.
Lia was her name and she couldn’t figure out how to nurse and I couldn’t figure out how to bond with her, and I kept thinking about and looking for Scarlet and leaving Lia alone in her crib in an attic in a house I’ve never been. And her actual birth was a dark mystery to me – even my dream self blacked it out.
I know it’s not unusual to wonder if you’ll love your second child as much as your first. My mom and I talked about that last week. Many parents, including me, love their first child so fiercely and so much more than they imagined they would. It’s easy for me to fear that I wouldn’t love my second child as much. However, I know I would. I will. I know my heart will expand even more than I imagined it would, just like it did with Scarlet. I know that it will be different.
Another emotion in my dream was disappointment. In my dream, two children was a very strict limit and I was sad to think that I’d never go through pregnancy and childbirth again. And they were so close together in age! I was chasing after my barely-a-toddler while also wondering if Lia was hungry. I know people have children this close together, but man, I am so glad I won’t.
This dream told me I was afraid. And that’s ok. I am afraid. And this dream told me I want to wait. And that’s more than ok. I’m so not ready.