Pickup is worse, when my defenses are down during that horrid 3pm hour (as bad as 3am, if not worse) and I no longer have the sunny and smiling clean slate of a fresh, new morning. I never did get over it, though. I only thought I had. And then I wonder – am I wimping out this year? If I am, I may never get over it. Or will I/have I? I will get through it. I do get through it, but not always well. Some years are off years and some years bring those shuddering deep breaths and heart palpitations.
I smile and I open my heart and I wear the brightest clothes I can find, but sometimes I’m barely standing. Otherwise, totally sturdy and nothing to hide. The thing is, though, this was a big summer for my marriage and me. I started to realize all of the ways I want to control things – just to feel some semblance of control – and then get flustered and overwhelmed, and maybe angry, that I don’t have help. Well, all of that could be changed in an instant. Years of stress and damage undone.
What changed? First we talked about Cassidy doing half of the school transportation. That would take away that triggered stress, at least half the time, and give me back some of the longer work hours I got used to during summer camp. Beyond that, we researched the school bus. Never one to slow down when I’m 100% sure of something, I applied for bus passes and got approved the same day. I had to pay a $25 late fee, but since we live over two miles from the school, the bus passes were free. FREE. Can’t say I regret the four years I didn’t do this, and the 1-2 hours a day I wasted in school parking lots.
I don’t regret it because it was there for a reason. Even when I had to get to school 15 minutes early just to grab a spot, and we’d always somehow skate in a minute before the bell rang in the mornings. Ah, an imperfect process. Now gone.
Just like that! I wasn’t ready and maybe they weren’t either. Now, we’re all ready. All I have to do is walk down the driveway and walk back up. Twice a day. Good for exercise. Maybe one day I’ll take the dogs. Maybe I’ll take Astro there and dress him up like a rainbow clown – just to either embarrass Scarlet, or have her break down in delicious laughter.
Perhaps I’ll drive the van or stand in the rain with a rainbow umbrella. What I do know is that first grade and fourth grade mean the world to me, but it’s not my journey to take. And I let them go little by little, knowing that we only grow closer, the more I spread out their wings, while spreading out my own. And god, it’s still beautiful. So I predict a year with not a lot of anxiety – because I’m not testing it the way I have. That’s the biggest question I ask you. If you can answer me this.
By not testing my anxiety at the school parking lot twice a day, am I getting over it? Or is it still a time bomb ticking in the school parking lot – maybe to detonate at some unforeseen time? Am I avoiding, or am I just finding a better way? Not OVER the fence. Not clumsily or illegally, with the potential to tear my shirt. Instead, it’s through a door that’s always been there but I’ve never seen it until now. It’s just the right size and it doesn’t stick or bang shut. It’s a door and it’s opening for me.
This is me linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s topic is “It’s back to school time and…” And there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin: HERE.