I put that photo at the start of the blog by design. Of course it’s ALWAYS by design but those dark eyes (much lighter in real life) have something to say today. Also, the REAL reason is because it’s my anniversary with Cassidy of when we started kinda/sorta falling in love. That was the first photo I sent him. This was before social media, and we lived far from each other. So I sent that photo, and you know how the story goes; is going. It’s a bit of a song and dance, isn’t it? All of it.
I have done these things before – these listicles – these “Ten Things About Me”. I once did a “25 Things About Me” and it took all night to write! I didn’t have kids yet so I had all the time in the world. I wrote my list of this week’s topic, “10 things most people don’t know about me.”, while in the car. Don’t be scared. It was hands free. I thought about it all and then used voice command when I got to my destination. It’s super fun. Join me, and tell me if you knew any of these things?
1 – When I was in high school and college, I thought the Madonna song, “Live to Tell” was the most ME song in the world. I feel everything about it. I’ve also felt that way about R.E.M.’s “Try Not to Breathe” song for quite awhile now:
2 – I have always wished I could sing, dance, or play piano, despite zero training in any of these things! Even in my 30’s, I still have numerous daydreams that I can do these things – and in front of people – and I’m not even awkward in them!
3 – The older I get, the less I want to be around people, but I’m not getting older and crankier. (I am getting older, though) It’s that I have less tolerance for my anxiety these days and sometimes I feel trapped when I’m around people, and that’s one of my anxiety triggers. Yet, I also love people so much that I need to recharge in their presence, and then recharge alone. A true ambivert, I say! Luckily I don’t think I’ll be one of those cranky old women yelling, “Get off my lawn!” But I absolutely yelled that at a squirrel the other day. Those exact words. And I shook my fist! He/she totally ran into the woods.
4 – I used to have a phobia of being in love with more than one person at once because it happened to me in my mid-20’s, and I thought about how horrible it would be to happen again, when things are more complicated. And yet now I fear the opposite. I’m afraid of not caring enough. There’s no backup plan. I shouldn’t think about life without Cassidy but since my father died young and that scenario happened to my mom, I can’t help myself. Then I wonder if my phobia of not feeling at all is actually a self-defense mechanism of the fact that I do/could/might feel too much. Is it possible to feel too much?
5 – I have absolutely no work balance. When I’m busy, I’m stressed about being busy. When I’m not busy, I’m even more stressed about not being busy. Carrie of “Our Potluck Family” voiced this perfectly the other day. That’s me too! Breathe.
6 – Once in SF, I was having bad anxiety for months, and the only thing that really helped was to write down my list of head grievances, read it to my therapist, and then watch her write them down and dissect them. It was like she took on some of the burden but didn’t have to fall under the weight of it. She made it her job to dissect and relieve. Rinse. And repeat.
7 – I’m currently growing my hair really long. Think like Luna Lovegood in the 5th Harry Potter movie. I want long waves down my back. I don’t make light of this but I know there are conditions in which people think they aren’t tan enough, and I will never think my hair is long enough. Whenever I cut it too short, I can’t let it go. Even though I know it grows back, I still stare at women with really long hair in envy. I sometimes feel so plain and ordinary and invisible and overlooked that when I was in high school I grew my hair really long and started wearing bright colors to combat the feelings. I don’t want to feel that way. Sometimes I still feel that way, but I am logical enough to know that I’m not perceived as invisible.
8 – I will never be able to go scuba diving, most likely, because anxiety affects my breathing. What if I had an anxiety attack underwater? I bet I wouldn’t, though. I bet I would be just fine, but I’m ok not exploring that avenue.
9 – I don’t know why so many of these things are about my mental states! It’s that I feel like you already know so much about me. You know I love jean jackets and sundresses and cookies and moose and northern lights. And that I want to travel the world, but I’m afraid to travel the world, and that I’m obsessed with roller coasters because I’ve only been on four in my life and all four were in the last year and a half! Believe it or not, I’ve been on scarier ones than this one:
10 – When I think about my kids growing older, I can’t breathe and I feel dizzy and start to sway. I can’t avoid it. I have to rise up to meet it. And I really want another baby but I also really don’t. I keep thinking: “That’s it! We are definitely having another baby!” And then I think: “That’s it! There’s no way in heck that I’m having another baby!” And I don’t have frivolous years to waste. I sort of have to make a decision soon, and indecision isn’t doing Cassidy any favors. (he’ll deal)
*Bonus one. The Bowman Family is about to expand, we think. It’s not a baby. It’s not a chicken. Wait and see!
This is me linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s topic is “10 things most people don’t know about me.” And there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin: HERE.
Janine Huldie says
Oh now you got me intrigued and wondering how your family is expanding! And by the way, I can most definitely relate to so much of this, especially #3. Because as I get older I am truly fine being alone even with my thoughts, as much as I do enjoy being around people. So ambivert here, too my twin 🙂
Regarding #6, I once heard someone describe that to help another down in a hole we need to stay on the surface and reach down. If we climb into the hole ourselves, we can both get stuck in the dark abyss. I have held that image ever since. Sometimes I need someone on the surface, who has perspective and firm footing, to reach in and help out.
Kristi Campbell says
Family is going to expand soon? Not a baby? Not a chicken?? Now I’m super curious! And the scuba diving thing – it’s the most peaceful feeling ever. But don’t do it for sure if it makes you nervous. I know you’d be fine but why add extra stress right? And LOL to yelling “get off my lawn” at a squirrel!
Eddie Staudt says
Your second one touched me most Tamara. Being musically talented is is priceless gift that truly keeps on giving. I took vocal lessons, and piano, drums, and acoustic guitar lessons. My dad, my brother Jim, and l were drummers, and my dad and Jim, my sister Kathie and I were singers, and Kathie and I played piano. Mom and Nan were music lovers too, and were really good listeners whenever we practiced at home. Happy Mother’s Day to you Tamara, and to all of the mothers and grandmothers in your family, and your blog family! 💗💐🌷
I always wished I could sing. I can’t… at all. But still I wish it.
I had very long hair, past my waist for many years. It took a lot to finally cut it (I am not really sure what made me thing I had to). I get this. I still notice long hair on others.
I have a fear of water, not the same as the fear of having an anxiety attack under water, just an absolute fear of drowning. (I guess I should have added all of this to my list)
lisa thomson-The Great Escape... says
I love these posts, Tamara. There’s always something about you that surprises me. Like, you fear not being seen. Wha?? Your’e so beautiful, I can’t imagine you ever NOT being noticed. I love the dark, moody picture of you. It sure captured Cassidy’s heart, too didn’t it? Ooooh, maybe another baby? … I’m in suspense.
Pat B says
Your hair is so beautiful.
It is so interesting how often people have dreams about things they can’t do. I used to have dreams that I could swim, until I actually was able to swim. It didn’t come easily for me.
Well, now you have us all in suspense. Can’t wait to hear the news about your expanding family.
Ooh an expansion. Can’t wait to see! Sometimes it helps to write it all out. It has been one of those week’s here, but we did have some good news health wise for my oldest, so we take the good and the bad I guess.
Kenya G. Johnson says
I feel like I’d be a different person if I could really dance. Like I would have been more of a party person. I really wonder if that one thing would make me more social. That’s interesting about your hair in #7 and I didn’t know that about people who never felt tanned enough. I’ve never been anorexic or too skinny but in my adultness all the times I’ve lost weight at met my goal I never felt thin enough. But the good thing is unless you’re being unhealthy about it, your body isn’t going to let you lose more than you should, so it’s never happened to me. So I kinda get it about your hair. BTW I just cut mine today. Nothing major but since I can do it myself I did. I like to maintain it right around my neck.
Cliffhanger! That’s for saying “no baby” because THAT is the announcement I would have been waiting for.
Julie Clarke says
Loved reading this, your photos are amazing. LOVE THE STAR WARS ONE!!!
That Star Wars picture is everything, and I can’t wait to hear your news!
So many things to comment on here! But first, I listened to the REM song while reading this post and I feel silly saying this but I DON’T KNOW IT, and I’ve never celebrated their entire music collection or anything, but I think this is one of those songs that I absolutely NEED to get to know on a more personal level.
That said, I didn’t know you were feeling these conflicting emotions about should we/shouldn’t we try for another. I understand. I am sure that WHATEVER you decide on will be the path your life is meant to take. I know that sounds so cliche, and I certainly don’t mean it that way… but what I mean is, you + Cassidy = such a dynamic duo, and I’m certain you’ll weigh out the pros and cons of each decision and that it’ll be right in the world in the end. I’m also unbelievably excited to hear more about your family expansion. Not a baby and not a chicken… OMG, ARE YOU GETTING A MOOSE?!
Also I think it’s normal to feel those feelings of overwhelm about life and to relate your past life experiences (i.e., surrounding your father’s passing) on to your current situation and then worry. All that worry is so difficult when you experience anxiety, like we do. I just hope you are finding healthy ways to deal with it and also I need to read this other post you mention re: that elusive work/life balance. I worry all the time that I can’t slow down, in life, with work, and that all of a sudden I’ll be at the end of my days and I won’t know what I did with my time. It is such a scary, daunting thought, but it is for sure one of my fears.
Anyway, I need to familiarize myself with the lyrics to that Madonna song. I know it, just don’t think I ever gave it a proper listen.
Allison Smith says
Reading some of this made me anxious, I must confess. And I knew you were considering another baby, wasn’t that a post a while ago? I’m voting for another for, because you guys make beautiful babies.
Chris Carter (@themomcafe) says
Another dog? Another cat? A pig? Hmmmm….
And girl, the anxiety. YOU. KNOW. I. GET. IT.
And no matter what decision you make regarding a third child- it will be the RIGHT ONE. This I know…
And… If I had your hair, I’d grow it as long as humanly possible too. It’s gorgeous. And a HUGE part of your identity, for good reason. <3
I’m growing my hair long too! Actually, it’s always been long. I look weird with short hair.
I happen to be getting older and crankier. I try not to let my cranky show, but sometimes I can’t help it. Oops. Chocolate helps calm me down though 😉
Omg I’m so curious about your family expansion!! I have a similar announcement tomorrow! I can relate to so many of these!!
I feel like I lied on mine, because we are getting another chicken or two. But I’m not being secretive to be secretive. I just don’t want to jinx it and I don’t want to post and have anyone local tell the kids. It’s another furry creature! I really want to hear yours!!
I didn’t know some of this stuff about you! I’d be nervous to scuba dive too, but I’d be even more scared to ski. And once my hair hits my shoulders, I have to cut it! I always say I’m letting it grow, but then it does and I get the urge to chop it.
I love that Madonna song and thanks for sharing that REM one. I met them at a concert in DC once, but I don’t recall that particular song. Hmm.
So much anxiety, so much of us live with. Long hair or short? Caring too much or not enough? These are important questions, commonly asked. I would be nervous to be under water like that too, but because I can’t see and I fear I’d feel disoriented and get nothing really out of it.
Think I’m going to go listen to that song again. Enjoy the addition to your family, in whatever form it comes in.