I put that photo at the start of the blog by design. Of course it’s ALWAYS by design but those dark eyes (much lighter in real life) have something to say today. Also, the REAL reason is because it’s my anniversary with Cassidy of when we started kinda/sorta falling in love. That was the first photo I sent him. This was before social media, and we lived far from each other. So I sent that photo, and you know how the story goes; is going. It’s a bit of a song and dance, isn’t it? All of it.
I have done these things before – these listicles – these “Ten Things About Me”. I once did a “25 Things About Me” and it took all night to write! I didn’t have kids yet so I had all the time in the world. I wrote my list of this week’s topic, “10 things most people don’t know about me.”, while in the car. Don’t be scared. It was hands free. I thought about it all and then used voice command when I got to my destination. It’s super fun. Join me, and tell me if you knew any of these things?
1 – When I was in high school and college, I thought the Madonna song, “Live to Tell” was the most ME song in the world. I feel everything about it. I’ve also felt that way about R.E.M.’s “Try Not to Breathe” song for quite awhile now:
2 – I have always wished I could sing, dance, or play piano, despite zero training in any of these things! Even in my 30’s, I still have numerous daydreams that I can do these things – and in front of people – and I’m not even awkward in them!
3 – The older I get, the less I want to be around people, but I’m not getting older and crankier. (I am getting older, though) It’s that I have less tolerance for my anxiety these days and sometimes I feel trapped when I’m around people, and that’s one of my anxiety triggers. Yet, I also love people so much that I need to recharge in their presence, and then recharge alone. A true ambivert, I say! Luckily I don’t think I’ll be one of those cranky old women yelling, “Get off my lawn!” But I absolutely yelled that at a squirrel the other day. Those exact words. And I shook my fist! He/she totally ran into the woods.
4 – I used to have a phobia of being in love with more than one person at once because it happened to me in my mid-20’s, and I thought about how horrible it would be to happen again, when things are more complicated. And yet now I fear the opposite. I’m afraid of not caring enough. There’s no backup plan. I shouldn’t think about life without Cassidy but since my father died young and that scenario happened to my mom, I can’t help myself. Then I wonder if my phobia of not feeling at all is actually a self-defense mechanism of the fact that I do/could/might feel too much. Is it possible to feel too much?
5 – I have absolutely no work balance. When I’m busy, I’m stressed about being busy. When I’m not busy, I’m even more stressed about not being busy. Carrie of “Our Potluck Family” voiced this perfectly the other day. That’s me too! Breathe.
6 – Once in SF, I was having bad anxiety for months, and the only thing that really helped was to write down my list of head grievances, read it to my therapist, and then watch her write them down and dissect them. It was like she took on some of the burden but didn’t have to fall under the weight of it. She made it her job to dissect and relieve. Rinse. And repeat.
7 – I’m currently growing my hair really long. Think like Luna Lovegood in the 5th Harry Potter movie. I want long waves down my back. I don’t make light of this but I know there are conditions in which people think they aren’t tan enough, and I will never think my hair is long enough. Whenever I cut it too short, I can’t let it go. Even though I know it grows back, I still stare at women with really long hair in envy. I sometimes feel so plain and ordinary and invisible and overlooked that when I was in high school I grew my hair really long and started wearing bright colors to combat the feelings. I don’t want to feel that way. Sometimes I still feel that way, but I am logical enough to know that I’m not perceived as invisible.
8 – I will never be able to go scuba diving, most likely, because anxiety affects my breathing. What if I had an anxiety attack underwater? I bet I wouldn’t, though. I bet I would be just fine, but I’m ok not exploring that avenue.
9 – I don’t know why so many of these things are about my mental states! It’s that I feel like you already know so much about me. You know I love jean jackets and sundresses and cookies and moose and northern lights. And that I want to travel the world, but I’m afraid to travel the world, and that I’m obsessed with roller coasters because I’ve only been on four in my life and all four were in the last year and a half! Believe it or not, I’ve been on scarier ones than this one:
10 – When I think about my kids growing older, I can’t breathe and I feel dizzy and start to sway. I can’t avoid it. I have to rise up to meet it. And I really want another baby but I also really don’t. I keep thinking: “That’s it! We are definitely having another baby!” And then I think: “That’s it! There’s no way in heck that I’m having another baby!” And I don’t have frivolous years to waste. I sort of have to make a decision soon, and indecision isn’t doing Cassidy any favors. (he’ll deal)
*Bonus one. The Bowman Family is about to expand, we think. It’s not a baby. It’s not a chicken. Wait and see!
This is me linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s topic is “10 things most people don’t know about me.” And there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin: HERE.