I worked all weekend.
I always work all weekend, between mothering, twitter parties, and blogging and editing photos, but this was different. I worked for money all weekend. What a concept! My bank saw me three times on Friday. That’s probably more than they’d seen me in all of 2013. On Friday night, I photographed a beautiful book release party for The Good Mother Myth – more on that book soon. On Saturday and Sunday, I did data entry. Painstakingly. Alone at my computer, while Tom Petty blared from the iMac speakers, and Des and Scarlet blared out from the first floor of the house – which might as well have been another planet.
And now there are all sorts of questions. Where this data entry money will go. A car repair? A blog conference? New shoes? A new bed? And then there are the questions of photographing a book release party. It’s weird sometimes to be a photographer and a writer. Part of my heart lives behind the scenes – focusing on the best light and the best ways to represent these beautiful writers. Part of my heart lives on stage with them. Thinking. “I can do that. I can do this.” It’s like having two babies. It’s like when Des was in the hospital under jaundice lights and hooked to monitors, still days away from going home and due shortly for another feeding. Scarlet was home and crying for me to read her a story. And to not leave. “Don’t leave. Again. Don’t leave.”
How can you learn to nurture all of the parts of your heart?
Especially when there are extreme circumstances and you do have to give what you have, where and when you can.
These are my deep thoughts as I photograph beautiful parties and diligently enter data into an Excel spreadsheet. I can’t ever just…do something. Not without the deep thoughts. The hows and whys. Why was I nervous before the shoot? Why do I hate flash photography so much? How can I learn to channel that into better flash, or more innovative ways to crank up the ISO and hope for the best. Why haven’t I written a book yet? Or two? Why must my nerves affect my personality? Why must I go home and rehash everything to Cassidy, forgetting until the end to tell him – how very, very right it was. It was all right. It was all so right.
I spent too much time telling him how my nerves get worse with age and how my face looks less radiant with a cold, and how I should have been more, done more, written more, marketed more, sneezed less, eaten more, doubted myself less, drank more.
And really, it was all so right. I am all right. The kids are all right. And I may never stop beating myself up for sneezing too much, and building myself up too little. Stressing too much. Chilling out too little. This is who I am. And this is my life.
In perfect photographic symmetry, I caught up on a lot of spare, unblogged photos this weekend, in between data entry, of course. And I think they do tell a story of my life right now, and for the last two or three months.
This is, a horse on my parent’s farm!
This is, a sister in love.
This is, another sister in love – with her birthday-boy husband.
This is, cute cousins.
This is, my kids in costume on a random Saturday in November. The 11th doctor and Alice in Wonderland.
This is, my crazy husband on that same random day. It wasn’t so random. It was when “The Day of the Doctor” premiered. He’s the 10th doctor.
This is, how we do action shots. (More on that on Wednesday!)
This is, my family minus one. I’m always at least on the other side, though.
And this is, two cute doctors.