I Do. I Did. I Confess.

Last night I had some free time to myself, so I read over everything I had blogged for our anniversary in the past.

It’s funny how the things I wrote then – while true – are actually much more evocative and realized today. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. They were mere truth seeds – powerful in their makeup and design – but not yet fully or half bloomed through. Now to be fair, full bloom takes forever or never and a day, if it happens at all. But oh – the potential and beauty! It’s thick. It can overrun your garden, and the the soil and the foundation will just expand to fit it all in. I’ve seen this.

I see this.

I do

The truth seeds were grown, with their potential and their capacity, and we hopefully have a lifetime to see them realized.

To realize them into bloom.

anniversary

The things I say today, are some things I’ve said before but I can’t even begin to tell you how true they are today. How messy it all is – like your blooming garden – wet and naked, dry and warm, always changing, always needing change, always finding a way to crack, to bend, to grow, to bloom, to rest, and to do it all again. And again. When they crack, they let the light in.

anniversary

There is just so much to say about nine years ago that I can barely write. His Converse. My hair. His hair. The Jedi Knight robe. Moose and wolf light projections on the tent. A horse and carriage? Yes, a horse and carriage. It was that or a golf cart.

Showing Scarlet and Des pictures of the horse and carriage is MUCH more satisfying. “Oooooh,” they breathe when they look at the wedding photos. Look at you!” Look at us indeed. And of course, nine years in the blink of an eye? Well, no. Not when you fill in those lightning quick years with long days of cross country driving and two pregnancies, and tons of “LOST” and “Doctor Who” watching. And this crazy journey of child-rearing. Sometimes, it’s hard. Like the know-it-alls said it would be.

And what we knew it could be.

anniversary

Those same people who tell us to hug our children tight because “time goes so fast and you’ll blink and they’ll grow up.” Well, I hug those children nearly 12 hours a day and I couldn’t possibly do it more, short of keeping them up all night. And still time will go so fast and I’ll blink and they’ll be grown. Then I might be sad. And what will I be left with? Well, other than the knowledge that I raised two great kids into two great adults? You. You are left, standing with me. This is what we planned.

anniversary

So yes, it can be tough. I think we’re hard on each other a lot, due to stress and dreams too big to fit into a world with sometimes narrowing choices. We always dreamed BIG. We still dream big. And, we will always dream big. And I’m talking big. Maybe not fly away in a Tardis big, but as close as you can get to that. Northern lights and a place where moose and wolves co-exist in relative harmony. More Bruce Hornsby nights. These are all real. And oh, what a gift that is.

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I confess that one of my most vivid thoughts on my wedding day was this: “Oh man. Will my waist stay this way after children?” It’s the little, strange things you remember. The little, petty thoughts that stay in your head. The things that don’t really matter. So it’s ok to say it did/does matter to me, and I’m happy to say that I love my waist today, like I did then.

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I confess I never had a single shred of doubt about the man I was marrying. I mean, you read this, right? No room for doubt. Cold feet in general? Yes. The whole thing was a mind trip for me. The relatives, the flying, the being the center of attention.

Although, the groom was never in doubt.

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I confess that I didn’t enjoy all of the reception much – my stomach and feet hurt greatly. However, the ceremony was one of the single most meaningful, spiritual and enjoyable 45 minutes of my life. I was in an all-around love trance.

anniversary

As I mentioned above, I confess that the choices to get up the hill to the ceremony were: on foot in silver shoes, in a golf cart, or in a horse-drawn wagon. I felt a little strange taking the wagon, but I admit it had style. In the carriage with my parents we said, “Is this really happening? Is this real? Pinch me? After all that..this..it’s happening?”

anniversary

I confess that our Ketubah was designed from the map in the movie TIME BANDITS. As it should be!

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And, that my mom made the centerpieces and when I saw my childhood favorite, Donald Duck, I broke into tears.

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And, I confess that I don’t really remember what the cake tasted like but LOOK at it! Whenever I looked around after the cake had been served, I smiled to see some of our favorite people eating chocolate moose and chocolate skulking wolves.

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I confess that we took a fun dance class at the Cheryl Burke dance studio in SF and I forgot a few of my steps at the end.

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And that there were a whole lot of us.

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I confess that I almost broke my leg during a strangely punk rock, extended version of Hava Nagila!

love

And that the song I chose for the father/daughter dance was “Drive” by The Cars. Not your typical choice, for sure, but it has always reminded me of him. “Butterfly Kisses” gives me hives, anyway.

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I confess that this photo was taken during the Time Warp. Obviously.

Rocky Horror Picture Show

And that maroon is the single best color in the world.

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I confess that we lit up a Vermont night. And late at night, we had projected images of a moose and wolf on the tent.

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I confess that there’s always a higher. I once thought love faded or turned into eventual annoyance and complacency. And I know that can and does happen, and I know I’m “only” nine years in. However, I do know there’s an alternative.

And we’re lucky.

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Does toddler Cassidy remind you of anyone?

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Happy 9th Anniversary, Love.

And You Can Tell Everybody This is Your Love Post.

Somewhere in a box of old film photos and negatives, there’s a blurry photo of a cow moose in twilight.

love

I sing Elton John’s “Your Song” all the time and now Scarlet has come to expect it. It was vetoed for the wedding, but I still love it all the same. It’s one of the great Tamara earworms of our time. I won’t tell you some others, because then you’ll be cursing me for days. This one.. it’s a good one. This song is a good egg. This song has good bones. Anything else you can say.

– I used to think that marriage and relationships were easy, just as long as you had love.

– Speaking of things that take work, like WORK, I used to think my eventual fate was to suffer in a corporate office, unless I figured out a way to get a second college degree. And if you do work in a corporate office, please know I don’t think you suffer. I did. I suffered. My work partner once told our own client that me working there was like keeping a tiger in a cage.

I’m really glad I found work otherwise – here in this blog – and there out on the fields.

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– I used to think moose were easy to find, and maybe they are for some – on the right day and at the right time – but it took us nearly all day on July 4th weekend, 11 years ago, to see a cow moose when I met Cassidy for the first time.

Little did we know, bigger antlers were in our future – with just a little maturity and patience.

That’s a metaphor, I think.

– I used to think my kids would never whine or wear princess nightgowns. I never thought I’d have parking lot tantrums, or that she wouldn’t be exactly like me, and he would even be a “he” because I thought I was a certified female carrier.

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– I used to think that central air-conditioning and housekeepers were a must, (I still kinda do.. shhh..) and that wallets would always be full, as well as hearts. I used to think a disconnect would always be chronic, but now I know they aren’t. Hearts empty and fill on a near daily basis, but the stronger stuff is always on the bottom anyway – rock solid and going nowhere.

I’m going nowhere too.

But we, we’re going everywhere.

love

Happy 11 years of meeting in JFK Airport. At 10:06pm or some time like that at night, but who’s counting? I wouldn’t take a second of it back, and in fact, I’ll meet you on a beach at the Hamptons, and at a Friendly’s in Holyoke, just say the time.

This post has been sponsored by love. I got no compensation for my review, but I got 11 years of deep experience in return for my honesty. All opinions about love and moose are always my own, or those of my virtual assistant – Scarlet.

I will be taking Friday off for the July 4th weekend. I never do this! I never take time off! I plan to send the kids with their grandparents and then I plan to sit in a quiet theater by myself seeing Inside Out. With that chemical butter popcorn.

What are you doing this weekend?

“It’s a little bit funny this feeling inside
I’m not one of those who can easily hide I
Don’t have much money but boy if I did
I’d buy a big house where we both could live
If I was a sculptor but then again no
Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show
Oh I know it’s not much but it’s the best I can do
My gift is my song
And this one’s for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it’s done
I hope you don’t mind
I hope you don’t mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you’re in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they’ve got me quite cross
But the sun’s been quite kind
While I wrote this song
It’s for people like you that
Keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting
But these things I do
You see I’ve forgotten
If they’re green or they’re blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but
Now that it’s done
I hope you don’t mind
I hope you don’t mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you’re in the world
I hope you don’t mind
I hope you don’t mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you’re in the world”