I think I always meant to tell you that. In case you didn’t already know from Facebook and/or Instagram, Scarlet Bella turned eight over the weekend. Whoa, what a day. It had highs and lows and creamy ice cream middles. The thing is, the day was BEAUTIFUL with her. Then when night fell, my sunniness evaporated and gave way to doubts and swirling thoughts.
Then everything crept, and then zoomed, forward. From back of mind to front of mind. Tears for fears. Doubt. It’s those rough moments in which I worry my mama’s heart is too raw and exposed, and it will never survive, even though the alternative of having a rough and hidden heart is far worse. The thing is, sometimes I look at old photos of my father and I worry that he died of anxiety and heartache. That his heart beat too fast and too painfully. Not for any reason, other than sometimes the world is too big to bear, too wide to wrap your heart around, and too fixated on time for anyone to not feel the rippling effects of its passage. I know that he died of undiagnosed heart disease and not of the blanks I’ve had to fill.
And as much as I live and love and make my heart beat too fast, too much, too hurt, too everything, it won’t kill me. Our hearts hold up the world, because that’s what they’re meant to do, despite our efforts to topple down beneath the rubble.
And I’m banking on that, as well as her supreme smile, the way she cleaned her room in exchange for me reading with her for an hour last night (which I would have done for free), and how she went up to another little girl at camp this morning who was crying and scared and introduced herself because they have the same time. She’s a sparkly girl; makes me proud.
1 box of cake mix (we used Funfetti Aqua Blue Cake Mix)
2/3 Cup of Water
1/3 Cup of Vegetable Oil
Red Wilton Candy Melts
Black Icing Gel
Wilton Donut Pan
Mix cake mix, water, vegetable oil and eggs according to the cake mix box.
Spray donut pan with cooking spray.
Pour donut mix into a measuring cup for easy pouring. Pour the donut mix into the donut pan, making sure not to fill all the way to the top.
Bake for 10 minutes at 350 degrees.
Let cool for 5 minutes.
Melt red candy melts in microwave or with this Wilton Melting Pot
Dip the top of each donut into the red candy melts. Let harden for 5 minutes. You can also put into the fridge for it to harden.
Use the black icing gel to create a spider web by drawing 2 circles on top and then about 8 lines across the circles.