Currently, Don’t Be Afraid to Catch Feels

Blogging is a funny beast sometimes, isn’t it?

I mean, I came here to do one thing – which was to write – but I found so many strange and wonderful connections instead. I found myself. I was super lost, but we’re always lost and found, lost and found, throughout life. I always think that as long as I can come here once or twice a week to say “hi” simply as myself, it’s all ok. And what can I say? I’m super muddled. I feel like I’ve been that way for a long time. Maybe this is just my life now. Maybe this is just me now. Muddled, occasionally haggard, sometimes glowing, always busy, and able to boomerang back. Sometimes the words come and sometimes it’s pulling teeth and if we’re being honest, I didn’t think there was a chance in heck I’d come here and have anything to say.

Yet, here I am – barely stringing words together. Sometimes it’s fun to see where this goes.

Now, it’s Currently Time! Feel free to write your own sometime!

Currently, I’m..

Reading: Seriously, nothing. I had an overdue library book for about two months that wound up being packed up in a box before our renovations started. I have so many books to read. You know how with some things in life, you have to hear a click to be sure? Like a seatbelt. That’s how my brain works. If there’s a click, I’m full speed ahead. If there’s no click, and maybe just some halfway one, I’m pretty much useless. I can’t do the simplest thing – like go into the basement and find a book to read. My brain is my biggest opponent. Ridiculous. The click metaphor works for all aspects of my life. LAME.

Planning: Ooh, pick me! Planning! I’m sort of terrible at it, but maybe the seatbelt clicked for this one. We’re planning our annual Disney World trip in January! Before that, we are surprising the kids with a Polar Express train ride in upstate NY (I mean.. the North Pole). There might be a hotel stay or two in all of that. I’m also co-planning.. you know.. our entire HOUSE as it gets ripped apart and put back together. Remember when the renovations start/stopped? Now they’re full speed ahead.

Stressing: Stressing? Me? Ok, you got me there. I’m always in a weird whirlwind of sweating the small stuff, and then not sweating the small stuff, but it always comes back around because I’m hard-wired in the DNA to stress the small stuff. I actually think it’s the big stuff, but don’t tell anyone. Currently, I’m more busy with work than I’ve ever been. Remember last year and earlier this year, when I was doing photography, blogging, and big boxes of data entry surveys? Yeah, that was child’s play. I’m so busy right now with blogging, photography, and my new Visual Content Management job (QA) that I actually can’t breathe sometimes. It’s a wonder I’m writing this because I have seven photo shoots to edit. Also, I stress about the apocalypse and marriage and parenting and my mid-section, but who has time to write and read that one? Not it.

Wishing: I make wishes and prayers when I’m panicked and it doesn’t happen often, but when it does, WHAM. Let’s talk about wishes, though. They’re usually made from a mid-level and sent to above. You follow me here? Prayers are made from down below – just to get to mid level. Does that make sense? I wish for things to make sense. And world peace. Health.

Feeling: Like I shouldn’t be afraid to catch feels. And in my strange inability to feel things sometimes, I wonder if there’s a way not to force the feels, but to coax them out. Last year I couldn’t feel the holiday spirit, except maybe in glimpses. I wasn’t in the waterfall of the feels, if you know what I mean. And if you don’t..let’s go right to the next one and you will:

Listening: To this little number:

Eating: Nothing at the moment but I stole a Hickory Farms Salted Caramel Chocolate (from myself) a few minutes ago. And I have my eye on the Cookie Butter OREOs upstairs (finally found them!) and having Cassidy make stovetop popcorn. YES.

Wearing: A super cool Star Wars shirt and burgundy pants.

Loving: That I was there on the last day my favorite seasonal ice cream stand was open for 2017. And when I mentioned that Scarlet was away, they gave me a free quart of cotton candy ice cream to give to my kid! Ah! I’m also loving the feel of the warmth from the pellet stove, the smell of coffee, paychecks, and all the possibilities I’ve been discovering about myself and my capabilities. I hope it’s upward mobility.. forever. That’s a reasonable request that I haven’t chosen to ignore!

Name that reference (above)!

Hoping: Just insert a bunch of political and weather and health things right here. That about does it for today.

Pick one of these verbs and tell me what you’re doing currently.

Miss Me, Miss Me, Now You Gotta Kiss Me

I have to confess – I have no direction with this post.

Generally they write me or I write them, all in the nick of time. I’m going to start with my 7th grade boyfriend, Chris. I think we’re Facebook friends but I don’t think he reads my blog, but I know I shouldn’t say half of what there is to say about him. He was, for lack of a better term, a dreamboat. And I don’t even mean that in a shallow way, although if you like blonde quarterbacks with intelligent blue eyes, he would have been the guy for you! That said, this was more of an inner thing.

He said pretty amazing things for a 12-year-old. He said he loved Halloween for its atmosphere. Yeah, me too.

He also said, and keep in mind this was a 12-year-old boy from New Jersey, “I don’t know why guys our age act afraid of guys they perceive as gay, as if they’re going to get hit on. It’s like, don’t flatter yourself. Why would he want YOU? Especially if you act like such a jerk.” Seriously. Those were his thoughts in 7th grade! ohmygod, why did we break up? If you must know, he had his friend Bobby break up with me in the school cafeteria. I have no idea why? It was middle school. I’m super odd, as you may know. I take rejection and heartbreak quite badly, and I also don’t experience them as often as the alternative. I can be pretty fierce when I want something, but that’s only when I’m pretty sure I can have it. You know?

(Like a rainbow flag costume for Halloween 2017)

So that’s the direction I took. Only to tell you that I loved what Chris said – about the atmosphere of Halloween. When I was a kid, I lived on a mountain. We attacked trick-or-treating in groups of ones and twos and severals. Groups of siblings and/or friends. Costumes and pillowcases. No pumpkin buckets for us. We were on missions to get as much candy as humanly possible. It was spread out, though – the whole thing like a marathon. Easily a 5K with all that candy sprinting. You could see other people, but they’d be costumed blurs on mountain roads. We had a strict 8pm curfew. Scarlet asked me last night what I was for Halloween when I was her age. “A California Raisin!” I said. She could not stop laughing. I wish I had the picture to prove it, because it was a real thing back then. Mom, do you have it somewhere? It was magical. I have this:

As you can see, some things never change:

Unless you’re talking about getting dumped in the school cafeteria. That only happened one time, and it wasn’t as bad as a Post-It Note left on a computer screen, but that is only a fictional story to tell. As deep as Chris was, I think I got over him in a day because I was 13 and although I was capable of intense feelings back then, I took a break from them in middle school because my eye was only on ONE prize. And you know what? He kissed me. It happened 24 years later, but he kissed me.

(It was Tim Curry. He kissed my hand. I haven’t washed it since..kidding!)

And how priceless is that?

I went off track again, so I’m steering myself back onto the Halloween train. When I was a kid watching Halloween movies, it was all about the atmosphere, yes, but there was that certain something at night. It was trick-or-treating in CROWDS of amazingly dressed people. I thought that only happened in movies, like Hocus Pocus. Bumping shoulders with Frankenstein. Standing in line for candy. I had a charmingly interesting childhood, but I didn’t have that. Until now. In Northampton.

It’s all a wonderful blur. The crowded streets of downtown Northampton trick-or-treating. Then downtown Florence for the Rag Shag Parade. Walking with friends, looking for friends, laughing with friends. Then there’s the house trick-or-treating – right out of a movie. It’s amazing how many amazing people I see, and how I see so many strangers every year. Will I ever know everyone in this city? Probably not, and that’s ok. So much to unfold and discover – like a great book that’s still being written. We’re writing it, and I think we’re doing a good job. I remember every face I saw, masked or not. I always will.

What’s priceless about Halloween is that feeling and that magic and that atmosphere. It’s bumping shoulders with Frankenstein, and lining up for candy. It’s running into smiling friends and clients, and friend clients. Client friends? Was it the chicken or the egg? What’s priceless about Halloween are the memories – still strong after 30+ years – and the fact that I get to help build them for two littles. It’s the fact that I said to my kids, “All of this? Not every dad becomes Iron Man for a day and not every place on earth is this charmed. So you better love it! And give me some of your Snickers bars!”

It’s only one night. Four costumes and a lot of preparation. More money than I care to admit, and just as much time too.


This is me linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s topic is “What’s priceless about..” And there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin on any of the matters: HERE.

P.S. From about 2nd grade until 10th grade, it was all about boys/men named Tim or Chris. I have about three of each. Some kissed me and some missed me, but hey, that’s life. As long as I never get dumped in the school cafeteria again.

How was your Halloween?