No Words – Only Love

When I look at this photo of my nephew, what do I feel? Hint: Look closely.

love

Honestly, I’m starting to question if May and June are really my favorite time of year. I always think they are, for obvious beauty/celebratory reasons, but then they hit and they hit HARD. May/June has been rather March/April like for the last two years. I’m talking weeks of rain. A dreadful extended winter. Our last two Mays have been miserable. Now things are gorgeous, but while the rain has calmed down and given to calm skies, don’t be fooled. It’s the most hectic time of year!

Like this week? Des turned FIVE! Five alive!

love

love

I had a little trouble with it. (or a lot) I took the morning off from my normal duties and Cassidy took the kids to school. One of my school friends gave him flowers and chocolate to give to me. She gets it. The push/pull of celebrating their years and milestones, but wanting to hold them closer too. The end of the baby/toddler/preschooler era is a tough one for me. I’ve never had this feeling, because I’ve never had to have this feeling. I see littles and I want to cry. Luckily the cutie in the top photo is a little, and he’ll have a littler little sibling too. And I know the sex of the baby! I might even tell you here.

Now we have entered the funny zone – the Grief Corridor. It’s both old and raw. My Uncle Steve passed away a year ago on Des’ 4th birthday. That same week, my beloved Penny passed away. Do you remember her? I still think about her so much:

love

love

love

I just unearthed all those old photos of her from January, 2016.

love

love

love

I’m writing this on Thursday, the 15th, which was my father’s birthday. My grandmother passed away three years ago today – on my father’s birthday. My father passed away on July 2nd, and my grandfather passed away on July 2nd five years ago. Seriously. Those were my mom’s parents – passing away on my father’s birthday and the same date he died. My sister wrote this on Facebook: “June 15….. my biological father’s bday, the first date with my husband (our first anniversary), and the day my nana passed at 100 years old…. that’s the thing about life… where there is up, there is down, but the up is so so so worth everything else. Happy 6/15, a day I honor my marriage, my father, and my nana… all living on through my love and my children💓” What else can you say? She’s the sister whose son is in the photo above, by the way! Cycle of life.

no words

This Grief Corridor doesn’t mean I’m not happy, or not finding minutes of calm, work and children willing. It just means bodily memory and a foggy head. A bit of a heat daze, and a deep appreciation for everything and everyone. We’re planning two birthday parties right now, and my birthday will follow. Next week is Des’ preschool graduation, as well as a visit from “baby” Parker. The chickens are finally in the coop and no one can get them in there. It’s a fortress. Not even this one can:

Then we have these photos I took of my nephew.

It doesn’t need words, does it? When I look at this photo, I feel hope. I feel confidence and stability and dwell on all that is RIGHT with the world. I feel like maybe I’m not done having kids, but if I am, the kids, nephews, and nieces I have remind me gently and not-so-gently that THIS is what we have. Sometimes, no words. Sometimes, only love. And that’s how I feel.

P.S. It’s a girl!

This is me linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s topic is “When I look at this photo, I feel..” And there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin on the matter: HERE.

La la How the Life Goes On

If you’re wondering what I’m talking about, just Google the lyrics to “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” and then you’ll know!

life

Actually, you might not know. Sometimes I don’t even know. The Finish the Sentence Friday prompt this week is, “Hey, June” to the tune of “Hey, Jude” and there are all sorts of similarities between Beatles lyrics and what happens in June.

life

June is the month he was born in, and June is when he will turn five. FIVE. God, that feels so close and so far.

In May, I wrote about how Scarlet got her name and someone asked me to write the same for Des. Of course, I have written it down more than once, but there’s no time like the present. I love to tell people his name – Desmond. Des. Desi. Baby Bear. Noodles. Peter. He answers to all of that. He actually has a friend at school named Peter and I joke about having the real Peter over for a playdate and calling them both Peter. “Peter. No, not you. Peter. Other Peter. Peter, over here!” I’ll be darned if I could tell you why I call him Peter. In fact, Scarlet and the cat both answer to Peter, but the dog does not.

If you’re looking for a story about The Constant and the Archbishop, you’ve come to the right place. If you’re wondering about hunky men on LOST islands, anxiety, “Hey Lucy, I’m home” and finding your grounding, binding, connecting Constant..

..consider me your girl. If you believe in that whole possession thing. I do. And so begins this story:

Desmond is a name we had thought about for Scarlet before we found out she was a girl at 20 weeks. We had thought of Scarlet before there was even an engagement ring, so trust me on this, we pretty much knew she wasn’t to be a Desmond before the ultrasound technician told us so. Desmond is a strong name. It’s not weird but can you say you’ve ever met one?? I know they’re out there but I hadn’t had the pleasure myself until I met my own Desmond. He is such a Desmond to us.

Desmond has a few meanings. Some sources say it means, “man of the world.” Some say it means, “man from south Munstor.” The gaelic meaning is “gracious defender.” The one baby book I bought says it means, “of universe and heavens.”

Cassidy and I are big fans of the show Lost. Cassidy got into it years before me and eventually we settled down to watch every previous episode ever during one particularly long and hard winter. It’s no secret that I fell in love with the character, Desmond Hume. Cassidy also loves Desmond. Nearly every tear I shed during that show was because of the love story between Desmond and Penny. I haven’t had the pleasure of seeing a love story I related more to. Our wedding was even slightly Lost themed, as well as moose and wolf and music themed. For our wedding program, Cassidy made a fake Playbill and we called it “Love” using the Lost logo. We had Dharma-themed props on the wedding tables. The character of Desmond was used in our program. Years ago, Cassidy gave me a t-shirt that said, “Desmond Is My Constant.” Little did I know how true that would one day be. On our wedding ketubah, Cassidy’s brother Sam wrote to us: “Be each other’s constant.”

Photo & Video Sharing by SmugMug(hubba hubba)

“The Constant” is probably my favorite episode of Lost. In it, Desmond jumps between two time frames and is able to make contact with his “constant” – Penny, a lost love who has been searching for him for three years. It’s kinda..spectacular. In the show and in other time travel themed literature, there is the concept of the constant. The constant is something or someone that is present in both timelines. It has to be something you sincerely care about and something you can recognize. Without your constant, and without something solid to attach your mind to, your brain can short-circuit during time travel.

It’s no secret that when I was pregnant with Desmond, I started experiencing some pretty bad anxiety. I was never close to exploring the medication option, partly because I was pregnant and wouldn’t do that, but mainly because there are so many avenues to explore before drugs – yoga, exercise, counseling, etc. I started speaking with a very powerful counselor who offered a lot of support but I’m proud to say I did a lot of the healing work myself. She and I spoke about “constants” – people or places or things to focus on to pull you back from an anxiety episode and to ground you and calm you. I found this to be no coincidence that as we were searching for a baby name, we were talking about real life constants. It doesn’t just exist in time travel. It’s very real. It’s about something solid to attach yourself to, before you lose yourself. There is a way.

My Desmond truly was my constant during my pregnancy because I wanted to stay calm and healthy for him.

Sometime during or after this intense healing, I started writing the love story of how I met Cassidy. I felt so many similarities to the story of Desmond and Penny. Although we didn’t actually time travel, we really did in figurative ways. We had time gaps and places and feelings to revisit, and places and feelings to start anew. At that time, we both agreed simultaneously that we hadn’t found a baby boy name we liked more than Desmond. There weren’t really huge discussions on this. We were pretty magically on the same page with baby names. Always. Maybe a day or two after we had settled on the name, with the agreement that if something more powerful came along, we would use it – another cool Desmond theme came up.

An amazing quote from Desmond Tutu started circulating on Facebook: “I can’t for the life of me imagine that God will say, ‘I will punish you because you are black, you should have been white; I will punish you because you are a woman, you should have been a man; I will punish you because you are homosexual, you ought to have been heterosexual.’ I can’t for the life of me believe that is how God sees things.” –The Most Reverend Desmond Tutu, Archbishop of Cape Town.

And the song “Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da” about Desmond and Molly Jones, was playing at odd times.

And that’s how it came together. Flawlessly. Spiritually. Fully. We knew then and we know now we created a true Desmond. He’s “The Constant.” He’s “The Bishop.” As for his middle name, Blaze, Cassidy suggested it for a first or middle name before Desmond was settled on. We were married by a dear friend, Blase, and I do think of Desmond’s middle name as somewhat of a tribute to him and how awesome he is. He’s a true gift. I think Cassidy and I also love how it sounds.

And Desmond did come blazing into this world.

I’m linking up with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s topic is “Hey, June..” You can link up HERE.

How does June make you better, or you make June better? Do you love the Beatles?