No Words – Only Love

When I look at this photo of my nephew, what do I feel? Hint: Look closely.

love

Honestly, I’m starting to question if May and June are really my favorite time of year. I always think they are, for obvious beauty/celebratory reasons, but then they hit and they hit HARD. May/June has been rather March/April like for the last two years. I’m talking weeks of rain. A dreadful extended winter. Our last two Mays have been miserable. Now things are gorgeous, but while the rain has calmed down and given to calm skies, don’t be fooled. It’s the most hectic time of year!

Like this week? Des turned FIVE! Five alive!

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love

I had a little trouble with it. (or a lot) I took the morning off from my normal duties and Cassidy took the kids to school. One of my school friends gave him flowers and chocolate to give to me. She gets it. The push/pull of celebrating their years and milestones, but wanting to hold them closer too. The end of the baby/toddler/preschooler era is a tough one for me. I’ve never had this feeling, because I’ve never had to have this feeling. I see littles and I want to cry. Luckily the cutie in the top photo is a little, and he’ll have a littler little sibling too. And I know the sex of the baby! I might even tell you here.

Now we have entered the funny zone – the Grief Corridor. It’s both old and raw. My Uncle Steve passed away a year ago on Des’ 4th birthday. That same week, my beloved Penny passed away. Do you remember her? I still think about her so much:

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love

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I just unearthed all those old photos of her from January, 2016.

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love

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I’m writing this on Thursday, the 15th, which was my father’s birthday. My grandmother passed away three years ago today – on my father’s birthday. My father passed away on July 2nd, and my grandfather passed away on July 2nd five years ago. Seriously. Those were my mom’s parents – passing away on my father’s birthday and the same date he died. My sister wrote this on Facebook: “June 15….. my biological father’s bday, the first date with my husband (our first anniversary), and the day my nana passed at 100 years old…. that’s the thing about life… where there is up, there is down, but the up is so so so worth everything else. Happy 6/15, a day I honor my marriage, my father, and my nana… all living on through my love and my childrenπŸ’“” What else can you say? She’s the sister whose son is in the photo above, by the way! Cycle of life.

no words

This Grief Corridor doesn’t mean I’m not happy, or not finding minutes of calm, work and children willing. It just means bodily memory and a foggy head. A bit of a heat daze, and a deep appreciation for everything and everyone. We’re planning two birthday parties right now, and my birthday will follow. Next week is Des’ preschool graduation, as well as a visit from “baby” Parker. The chickens are finally in the coop and no one can get them in there. It’s a fortress. Not even this one can:

Then we have these photos I took of my nephew.

It doesn’t need words, does it? When I look at this photo, I feel hope. I feel confidence and stability and dwell on all that is RIGHT with the world. I feel like maybe I’m not done having kids, but if I am, the kids, nephews, and nieces I have remind me gently and not-so-gently that THIS is what we have. Sometimes, no words. Sometimes, only love. And that’s how I feel.

P.S. It’s a girl!

This is me linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s topic is “When I look at this photo, I feel..” And there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin on the matter: HERE.

About Tamara

Tamara is a professional photographer at http://tamaracamera.com/, a mama of two, a writer/blogger at http://tamaracamerablog.com and a nearly professional cookie taster. She has been known to be all four of those things at all hours of the day and night. She is a very proud contributor to the book, The Mother Of All Meltdowns. http://themotherofallmeltdowns.com, as well as Stigma Fighters Anthology (volume 1), and The HerStories Project: So Glad They Told Me. She is also a proud Community Lead/QA Reader with Sway, and a regular contributor to the SoFab Food blog, and the Target Made Me Do It blog. After two cross country moves, due to her intense Bi-Coastal Disorder, she lives with her husband, daughter, son, dog, cat, and 11 chickens in glorious western Massachusetts.


Comments

No Words – Only Love — 29 Comments

  1. Ahhh! Just reading it’s a girl makes my heart dance… I don’t think I’ll ever stop having the love I have for my future daughter πŸ˜‰ a dream I didn’t know would come true!!! Pinch me!

    Our family sure has a thing with dates! Thank you for always capturing on film all my important life dates/milestones/etc. You are my heart!!!! Now get ready to have a NIECE!!!!

  2. Omg, I seriously was reading and hoping that you say it at the end! Yay for little girls and so very excited for Linsday and your family! Seriously, I might be prejudice but little girls are the best! Congrats again to you all and you just made this overcast Friday morning here in NY a bit brighter. Hugs <3

  3. A new baby for you to photograph and for us to enjoy, YAY!!

    NO rain here, lots and lots of sunshine. We could use a little rain, so come on monsoons!

  4. Beautiful and touching, Tamara. So many memories congregated around those specific dates. Here’s to your niece on the way, Des turning five and graduating (can you believe?!) and the blessing that is family and furry friends.

  5. It truly is a cycle isn’t it? There is so much ups and downs but usually the ups outweighs the downs. You also have a lot of memories, mostly good ones stored for these months as well so I know you’ll be ok. It’s so exciting having a new one in the family, can’t wait to see photos of the new baby. BTW I was recently thinking of Penny because I hadn’t seen her pics in a while, just Juniper, I had no idea she passed. Once again so many memories.

  6. So very true about that push/pull of letting them go and holding them closer. You have such a way of making me feel it with you. Every stage is amazing and then sad when it ends…..

    Such exciting news for your family! We announced our second child with a shirt on my oldest. It took sooooooo long for family to clue in. lol

    I love babies so very much! Exciting!
    xoxo

  7. I have come to learn that life truly is a whirlwind of emotions and you just always have to look for the good! P.S. your nephew is adorable!

  8. Anniversaries of loss are difficult. The pain we feel is a testament to the love we felt, but it still hurts. I lost my grandmother shortly before the birth of my first niece, and I felt that there was a “circle of life” in that. No matter what trouble looms, what difficulties press in, life finds a way to continue, which amazes me. So thrilled for the arrival of yet another life in this world, so congrats to all! Hopefully, the sun and warm weather will arrive and stay soon!

  9. If Des is your last, you still have the rest of the tribe to get your fix. Soak it in, every minute cause before you know it, you are about to turn 59, the nest is empty and you’re watching from the fringe. Love you all!

  10. OMG HUGE congratulations!! I’m so happy for you!! I can’t wait to see the photos of your new addition. And isn’t it strange, the anniversaries, reminders, life, new beginnings, and all of it? Happy FIVE to Des, too! I love his “Because you play with me” sign. Oy. <3

  11. Congrats to your sister and your family! Another blessing indeed! πŸ™‚ Happy birthday to Des and advance to you. So many things going on, which is why I understand when you say there are just no words. ❀

  12. Your nephew is adorable Tamara, such personality in his cute little face, and look at that cool shirt, looks like a new addition is on the way. Can’t wait for you to tell us the sex of the baby, this is so exciting. Ahhh it’s a GIRL!!!

  13. OM gosh, Tamara. This is so beautiful. That really is a wide grief corridor you’re navigating. I can’t believe all the connections on 6/15! Happy birthday to Des!! I remember when my son turned five and it hit me pretty hard, too. I wanted a third baby so bad. Hubs did not concur though. It is a milestone from toddlerhood to childhood, for sure. It is wonderful you have your nephew and now another on the way to enjoy though! I almost missed the gender reveal πŸ™‚

  14. The calendar does become quite emotional as we go through life.

    Yeah, we had a drought for a while there, but it’s just a soggy memory now.

  15. May was horrible this year! (And totally exacerbated the first trimester symptoms for me.) I used to think I liked spring, but I realize I’m a fall girl through and through. You can count on that time to be gorgeous in New England!
    Congrats to Lindsay, that’s so exciting <3
    And wow, the dates….I had no idea there was so much overlap.

  16. That’s so exciting that your sister is having a girl. I have eight nieces and nephews and they have brought me so much joy over the years. My 13 year-old niece was just over yesterday playing with my kids. And it warmed my heart that she still plays with them even though she is now a teenager. πŸ™‚

  17. Awwwwww, LOVE this. Congrats on soon becoming an auntie again πŸ™‚ That’s wonderful. I know what you mean about the circle of life and I can only imagine the push/pull of having your beautiful kiddos growing older. Wanting to keep them little forever. Having an ache when you see other littles. I get it.

    I also remember Penny and it was lovely to see these photos again. Those eyes! XOXO and would love to see a post about the chickies! Have you posted about them already? I’ll have to go through and check πŸ™‚

  18. Oh, congratulations to your family! Such exciting news! I totally understand the grief corridor. I’ve had so much sadness in my life the past 18 months. It doesn’t mean I’m not happy, just sad about the loss of people/things. It’s so hard to describe to people.

  19. Congrats to your family!

    I know the heft of sadness is weighty, but there is nothing like welcoming new life to help you ease through the grief.

  20. Wait- your sister is pregnant again? OHMYGOSH!!! Please tell her congratulations and YOU GO MAMA!!

    A always, I love your incredible passion for using words to express such intricate details of your heart. I’m always ALWAYS moved by them, Tamara. Always.

    Your sister’s words are poetic, beautiful, poignant, and inspiring.

    Life is a miraculous web of allthethings, isn’t it?

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