It’s as if I’ve been running up a hill, or maybe running away from something or someone. Maybe I’m running away from myself. Maybe I’m running to myself. All I know is that something has triggered my fight or flight response and my heart and mind are RACING. My legs are twitching. My eyes are wide open. I have awareness of every fact of every day of every week. Maybe I have been dreaming about doing a wonderful life adventure. Maybe it really happened. Maybe it has yet to come.
If I have the time and the space, I am most adept in the morning at freeing my mind and breathing into my stomach in a meditative exercise. If I don’t have the time or if someone has tiptoed into bed in the middle of the night and is now kicking my back, or whining, or meowing, the spell has been broken. I get up and start my day. I wish I could tell you that this is a rare occurrence, but it happens quite a bit lately. It happens a lot during stressful weeks, and it even happens during nothing weeks because the opportunity is always ignited for a fight or flight response to be on deck. The opportunity to be needed.
It’s an adventure when you’re a super sensitive soul with loss of control fears, a dislike of loud noises, and you experience life transitions as little earthquakes. Even though life IS a transition, or a series of them. It’s not just earthquakes – it’s waves. Some of them are easy laps. Some of them knock you down and tear you underwater, with no access to air. And some of them knock you down, but almost joyfully, and then they set you right again – right where you were already standing..
My anxiety comes from three places, that I know about. It’s not just the toxic buildup of sadness, anger and loss that is not properly processed. It’s not just the PTSD of seeing my father fall on the ground, and never wake up. Never come home. It’s the fact that all of that had happened to a little girl who already had a sensitive temperament. It’s the fact that I was born to hear things loudly, see things brightly, and sure as hell smell and taste things strongly. Oh yeah. And there’s the feelings.