I Want to See Someone Who Dances in Ice Castles
I’m just going to dive right in here today, without a lot of fanfare.
That’s five days without escape, except when you sleep and dream enough that the noises of the 10 zillion other people in the resort have been silenced and muffled by sleep, dreams and well-made walls. Then we spent four days in a beach house in St. Augustine – reading and sleeping and dreaming and doing nothing. We’d wake up to sunrises and palm trees, only mere feet from the beach. We all four shared one room and it had double bunk beds. Cassidy and I took the bottom bunk under Scarlet. Des got his own cozy bed. It was never really warm when we were there, but it felt it. The sun would move across the beach house until sunset (an hour later than here) and I’d feel like we were in California. I was sun-dazed and happy all day long. On the last day, I finally got my clear sunrise.
My anxiety doesn’t travel far, even when I do. It tends to be somewhat dormant and dark and murky, and prone to coming up in situations close to home. That said, there was a bit too much barf on this trip for a phobic like me to fully relax. And I put a lot of pressure on myself to ride roller coasters. And I was just going through my own weird head spaces. That said, it was still fantastic and I’ll be sure to share photos and stories galore. Maybe next week. Maybe next year. I never really know.
It may not be what you think it will be. It may change, and change again. That’s ok. This week’s Finish the Sentence Friday topic is “When I Look in the Mirror, I See.. and there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin: HERE.
When I look in the mirror, I see..
– Someone who wants to be so much more. There’s a wall that shuts me down and makes me unable to break through.
– I want to see someone who breaks through.
– I want to see someone who scoops up her kids for snowball fights and ice castles in New Hampshire.
– I want to see someone who dances freely.
– I want to see someone who dances freely in ice castles.
– I want to see someone who dances freely in ice castles, without being so caught up in her head.
– I want to see someone who does everything more fluidly.
– I want to see someone of sound(ish) mind, able(ish) body, and regular date nights with a wickedly handsome man.
– I want to see someone who can tell wickedly handsome men, in real time, when anxiety, anger and frustration are shutting everything down.
– I want to see someone who is able to back up and reverse that sh*t.
– I want to see someone who has weekends without kids and only with romance.
– I want to see someone who goes on winter photoshoots.
– I want to see someone doing incredible baby showers and maternity/baby photos for her two sisters.
– I want to see someone who texts/emails/calls/shows up on your door when you most need it. Or even if you do just a little.
– I want to see someone who keeps you close.
– I want to see someone who keeps me close.
– I want to see someone. I want to be someone.
– I want to see someone who steals a weekend away just to be alone in a new place.
– I want to see someone who gets up the guts to go to a Pure Barre class. (checkmark!!)
– I want to see someone who gets up the guts to go to a yoga class.
– I want to see someone who wears purple pants and her favorite underwear, on any random day. No need to ration.
– I want to see you be brave.
When I look in the mirror, I see someone who needs a haircut. I see someone who is in her own head too much. I see someone who is always happy that she got out of her own way when, on occasion, she gets out of her own way.
Also, that sunrise photo? Is so gorgeous. I could almost hear it.
Thank you! It was really loud, actually. Very wild waves. I needed a haircut for about two months and also needed my eyebrows. I’m happy to say all of those things have been done! Plus my dentist appointment.
What relief.
” I want to see someone who is able to back up and reverse that sh*t.” My life’s motto too. All the time I wish there was a do over machine sometimes; with my kids, husband, chances missed. Ah, you know… But at least we keep trying. P.S. I think you are brave 🙂 Happy early Valentine’s Day!
Thank you! I think you’re brave too. It means a lot when people don’t see me as the person I see. I get so caught up in my head that even doing the Pure Barre thing didn’t make me 100% forgive myself for not going on the Seven Dwarfs roller coaster at Disney! Des was tall enough for it and I chickened out.
Aw, this is perfect and honestly you my friend are amazing inside and out. As for what I want to see in the mirror, I just would like to be able to be a bit more comfortable in my reflection as I am now heading closer to 40 each and every day. Not sure why this sticking point for me as 30 didn’t even register with me, but still guess I am feeling a bit of my own mortality as of lately. Yet, I know that may sound crazy, but still just is.
It doesn’t sound crazy AT ALL. I went through it after I had Scarlet and I was only 28 then. Strange.
Also, I’m almost the age my father was when he died so I’ve been having a year of questioning my mortality. Boo.
I know what I want to see. Unfortunately, I am unable to see it. Self-blindness, self-dislike and self-guilt are to blame, of course. I truly loved this post. It really resonated with me right now.
I see it, though. Many do. Your heart and soul are HUGE!
My kids love you too.. for obvious reasons of getting awesome mail.
I love that others see it. I just wish that I could see it too.
I hear you. Times a thousand.
I never tire of waking up to the blues and greens of Florida.
I hope you are happy where you are as you strive to improve!
Perhaps this will make sense. When I look in the mirror, I see someone that can look himself in the eyes in the mirror. 🙂
I never would either. I’m not a Florida girl. I’m a California/New England girl, but gosh, does Florida make me happy. I shall always visit.
I totally am, Dr. J! I think I’m hardest on myself when I write such posts late at night. Daytime is different.
Also, what you said makes perfect sense.
Side note first about about the snowy landscape? Is that the area where you took the pretty fall picture I fell in love with?
Another side note – again we are reading each others posts at the same time. Your comment just popped up.
Your Florida shots are also beautiful.
We all want to be braver about things. You have to look in the mirror and pull that girl out to come along. You are stronger than the image of yourself.
Hm… I think so? Remind me more about the fall photo! That is my parent’s farm and I take many photos there so the chances are good!
Awesome about our cross-commenting! And both posts for FTSF!
I love that imagery of pulling that girl out. It reminds me almost of Peter Pan and his shadow.
No I just looked, I don’t think it’s the same landscape. The fall photo has like a lake in it with a little island with a tree on it. It was all fall colored tree and just a bit of green grass in the distance like a golf course.
Oh! I remember now! And I posted a phone photo of it once and your parents were over and you all thought it looked like a beautiful place, right??
That’s Smith College campus. When you come visit, we’ll walk around the pond in the fall. The green in the distance is a sledding hill and the college track.
Oo, Disney! I can’t wait to go back.
When I look in the mirror, I see someone who needs caffeine. I’m out of it.
haha, me too. Except my body doesn’t do a lot of caffeine very well. Boo!
This, of course, is a beautiful piece because it’s raw. I want you to see all of those things, too.
We all want to see something when we look in the mirror…sometimes it’s to see more of something in us. Sometimes it’s to see something, anything. Sometimes it’s to see better.
There are each of these things I want when I look in the mirror. Today, as I sit in my grief, I know I see one thing in particular….I see that I was a good daughter, I loved him oh so much. I also want to see that I honor him even in his death.
Very raw, for sure.
And boy. I was away for nine days! I didn’t know you were grieving. I’m so sorry. I’ll catch up on your blog.
Oh, Tamara. I’ve missed you and your delicious words. I can’t even begin to tell you how happy it made me to sit here and devour them all again. You make me want to be the best writer ever, do you know that? I have seriously developed the biggest writer crush on you, in case that’s a thing.
I love the picture of you at the barre class. Holy cuteness overload.
I want to hear everything about the Disney trip (in due time, of course). What you loved. What you hated. What caused anxiety. If you made it on some of those scary ass roller coasters (you know I’m not a fan either). I’m so proud of you for overcoming your fears to do things I admire.
It’s clear that you may see something different than I do when I see you 🙂 XOXO
If I was awarding best comment awards..you’d WIN! This totally made my day and my day was already decent. So thank you.
Writer crushes are definitely things. All crushes are!
I’ve missed writing and of course, I still don’t feel like this is even good. Passable, maybe. I feel a drive, but I feel blocked.
The Pure Barre class sure helped! I loved that the photo was taken of me in my purple pants!
Awww, thanks momma 🙂 you da best! XOXO
In this case, it’s all YOU! XOXO
Beautiful post! The want more details on the barf, were the kids sick? I can’t wait for the vacation pictures! And I can’t believe you don’t see all those amazing things when you look in the mirror. I see them in you when i read your words.
You crack me up. I always want details too. Well I’m vomit phobic but don’t come across it much in my life. During the trip, there were three “incidents.” The first was some drunk guy at our hotel – in the bushes. And we couldn’t get our armbands to work fast enough to get away from him.
Then someone barfed right when they got off the Harry Potter Castle ride at Universal. And then I walked by. I didn’t go on that ride (heck no) but I did the castle tour and they all get left off at the same place.
Lastly, Scarlet. She is NOT a barfer. She’s only ever barfed from viruses. Well we had a huge IHOP breakfast, after five days of Disney food, and then she was using the iPad in the car.. and then…
It was shocking.
P.S. Thank you so much for what you see in my words. And me!
This is beautiful! I want to be so much more, too. When I look in the mirror, I want to see the face of someone who loves where she’s at in life. It will take time, but I’m working on getting there 🙂
That’s beautiful. I have no doubt you’ll get there! Even just working on getting there is something special.
I want to see so much more, too, when I look in the mirror – someone skinnier, prettier – or maybe just someone more confident in herself just the way she is!
I definitely have those feelings. I want to be prettier, but then wonder if what I really want is to feel that I’m good enough as is.
So tricky.
Wow. This is really beautiful Tamara. It left me kind of tingly all over because I want to see that person too. There’s so much, isn’t there that we want for ourselves? And sometimes it feels so much yet so possible yet so much again. I’m glad that you had a great trip to FL and that sunrise is gorgeous. I’ve been caught up in my own lately and haven’t been around the interwebs too much. I’ve missed your words and writing!
And I’ve been caught up on vacation so this is probably my first heavy hitter in ages. So you’re right on time to catch up. Thank you for that!
I loved reading this. How was your barre class? I tried a barre home workout and it was pretty tough.
I want to see someone who is confident and fearless in the mirror.
It was really hard. They say that going for the first time is the hardest. I found the second time (today) to be even harder because I know how much it hurt and I went back!
And mainly, it was a different teacher with a harder routine. 55 minutes is tough.
I imagine 55 minutes is very tough. I’m sure your legs are sore, but you are going to be so toned so if you keep it up 🙂
My whole body hurts today and I’m already wondering when to go back. I said to Cassidy that when spring comes and I’m wearing dresses, everyone’s going to be like, “Who is this??”
Tamara! I love love love this. I want to see somebody who holds you close. I want to see somebody who holds me close. LOVE. The snow photo is amazing, as is the Florida sunset one. And I know what you mean about Disney – magical and amazing but also loud and full and not many places to breathe. Going to the beach afterwards sounds perfectly perfect. <3
I don’t know HOW we managed last year – quiet beach and then a few days in Orlando. We had a quiet apartment rather than a Disney resort so maybe that recharged us.
Great linkup, as always!
I bet you’re Someone already – ask the people who are important to you.
St Augustine sounds AMAZING, and I love that you got to spend time in the sun, relaxing with your family.
I think I will! Even though it scares me.
I think I saw that you’re in the states – I hope you’re in wonderful places! It’s wonderful here mostly, but -10 right now.. so.. not totally enjoyable.
I was in the States until yesterday, when I wasn’t any more. But I was with my people, and it was perfect because I was with them 🙂 (-10 sounds harsh though…)
Well when you’re with your people, even -10 is manageable! And with pellet stoves and hot cocoa…
I’m going to have to look up pellet stove, but it sounds warm and snuggly, so I like the idea. Cocoa, I discovered, CAN be vegan, so that’s awesome too 😀
Vegan cocoa – nice!! I don’t even like it with milk, to be honest.
As for pellet stoves, they’re very warm fireplaces that run on wood pellets. They can heat a whole house just like that! The problem? Ours, at least, runs on electricity so it’s not very helpful during a real snow event.
I’ll bite – how do you make it if not with milk? Just water and cocoa powder? Any kind of stove is nice, but I guess electric is a bummer if the power goes out 😉
And the pellet stove went out today, even though the electricity is on. It’s cranky. We have oil heat too, in case of really cold nights and the pellet stove being cranky!
I make hot cocoa with water generally. I have used almond milk too. I do like dairy milk but not with hot cocoa. Ever since I was a child.
OH NO! I hope you were all warm enough! Eeeek!
I could go almond cocoa. That sounds really good. When I was in Murica last week, Beth found double-chocolate vegan ice-cream made with cashew milk, and it was UH-MAY-ZING, so I know there are great alternatives out there 🙂
Gorgeous sunrise photo!
When I look in the mirror, I want to see someone who is patient, kind, and warm. I want to see someone who works hard but also knows how to be spontaneous and take a morning, a day, a weekend off from work to experience life.
In fact, that sounds just like you!
I still don’t take off much time for work, although the Florida trip was very close! Even today I was wondering when to get home and start a post due tomorrow.
The idea of dancing in ice castles brings me so much joy. I want to see that too. My post isn’t so happy. But it will be.
Ohhhh, I don’t think I saw yours yet! I must go there!
Hello friend! I missed you. I checked out your blog while you were gone and was sad that you had comments off 🙁 Loved your seagull photos (still waiting for a chance to get shots like yours), but I am glad to see you’re back and had a great time south. And now that you’re back, you finally got your snow, right?!
Such a raw, personal post today, not sure where to start – so I won’t. When I look in the mirror I see an appearance I don’t really like – at the moment – but when I look deeper I can still see me, and I am me. Probably doesn’t make much sense, I think I’ll better shut up now 🙂 Have a great weekend!
I had to turn the comments off because I honestly couldn’t keep up with anything then! Now I’m all refreshed. The bird photos were fun. It was all a matter of only a few minutes but I guess I didn’t stop shooting once during it!
It’s nice to be back, though! Still catching up on blog reading but I’ll get there!
“I want to see someone. I want to be someone.”
“I want to see someone who wears purple pants and her favorite underwear, on any random day. No need to ration.”
I loved all the amazing, whimsical nuggets throughout this piece, but those two, in particular, jumped out at me. Reading this inspires me to get off my butt, away from this computer today, and really, truly LIVE. And that, Tamara, is a gift you’re giving people with your words and these amazing images!! Thank you so much.
And thank YOU!
Also, the ration underwear and pants thing. It’s weird. It started in high school. I got a shirt I LOVED. Well you know how it is when you love something. Sometimes you love it too hard and it gets worn out. So I never wore it. Eventually it went out of style or I didn’t like it anymore and the tags were still on it. What a shame!
So these days I have to remind myself to wear those favorites. There are always new favorites to be found!
Hi Tamara, your break sounds wonderful, we did four days in Euro Disney a few Christmases back and that was totally manic, so I imagine Orlando was ten times more manic!
Oh, how I’d also like to be that person who gets the guts up to go to a Yoga class too (instead of one that makes excuses). Everything is constantly changing, so what I would like to see in the mirror right now, may not necessarily be what I want to see tomorrow, next week or even in an hour. I keep myself on my toes with my ever changing hopes, my self expectations change with the days.
A lovely post and tackled day by day, a doable list.
xx
You make such a good point. It changes. When people tell me I will achieve all of those things and more, that may be true, but I may want to see different things by that point. We shall see.
And yoga doesn’t scare me anymore – not after two Pure Barre classes!
I thought you did a yoga class? How was the barre class? Was there a lot of weird leg stuff? Maybe I should try one.
No yoga yet. I’m definitely less afraid of it now that I’ve survived Pure Barre because there was nothing easy, gentle or beginner about it. And I know yoga is more gentle and beginner! (should you take a beginner class)
There was certainly weird leg stuff. I did it only twice and my legs hurt a lot today.
When I look in the mirror I see someone not afraid to take a few risks this year. Someone with a plan and dreams that she wants to make a reality. You seem to be doing really well with your dreams and I only wish I can be like you one day. My anxiety still gets a hold of me but I’m working on it. BTW I am loving that sunrise pic and it reminds me of being back in the Caribbean with my mom. I so miss those days and her. 🙁
Anxiety definitely gets the best of me. Lately I’ve been telling it to go jump off a cliff. It seems to work sometimes! Like with Pure Barre!
You are like me and more.
Those are beautiful things to want to be! Go to a yoga class… just go! I’ve just started about 3 months ago and even once a week, it’s life changing! (I have a great teacher, if you’re ever in Ohio you can come with me!)
I certainly do want to go to Ohio now! My uncle lives in Cleveland.
The yoga scares me less now because I’m having trouble imagining that it’s harder than Pure Barre. Pure Barre is NOT gentle or easy in the beginning.
That said, I want to take a class with Cassidy so we need to work out childcare but I think we can do that.
What beautiful pictures! I love the way that you are able to consistently weave the prompt, your words, and your photographs into a wonderful experience! I wish you the opportunity to morph the woman you are into the woman you want to be — I’m guessing that you are much closer than you let on in your post!
I do hope you’re right! I’m certain I’m harder on myself than others are on me. It’s still hard to imagine myself as the one I want to see in the mirror. I guess it’s all baby steps lately!
And thank you so much about my post and photos!!
So beautifully written. I have confidence you’ll get either to where you want to be or to a point where you’re comfortable with what is actually there looking back at you.
I sure hope you’re right! I find that it comes and goes a lot throughout life.
I love posts like these, Tamara, the kind that just flow out and go where they must. Your list of what you’d like to see in the mirror is wonderful, and inspiring. I may write one myself. I am also someone who tends to dance in ice castles while caught up in my head, and wouldn’t it be wonderful to just (ahem) let it go and dance and not care what anyone thinks or says. I must say, I am getting a little better at not caring, at dancing in ice castles or wherever with my kids. In a couple months I’ll be on a similar vacation to yours, Disney for the FIRST time and then a few days near family but in a hotel by the beach. I am most looking forward to that part. Thank you as always for your beautiful words and photos, for your honesty and loveliness.
These are some of my favorite kinds of posts! I guess they all have their place and time. It had been awhile, though.
I was looking forward to our Disney resort but I can’t say I was dying for the theme parks. I was definitely dying for the quiet beach house after! Those four days rolled by way too fast. I’m still wondering how I can get back there.
I hope we all dance in ice castles! We have some quite near us. I have to make a plan.
I see someone who is aging, who makes mistakes, who tries, and who is thankful. I’d like to see someone who is tall (ha!), who can eat whatever she wants and never gain an ounce:)
I want to be taller too! I’d love to be 5’8″. I used to achieve that with two inch heels but I never wear heels anymore.
I do have the metabolism thing, but I started to wonder if I was “skinny fat” – a scary medical condition. So now I’m on my third round of Pure Barre. Whew. It’s hard.
beautiful!! I love this sooo much. You are incredible. I have no doubt you will complete all of these things. Verbalizing and putting bucket list items in the universe is SO powerful. I didn’t realize this until this year…it’s really incredible.
Me too! I’m discovering that! And it’s nuts. I used to read posts from you or Allie and think that I can’t imagine a life in which people cheer for me while I’m exercising.
And yet, I pictured it and it’s now happening. Bizarreness.
Plus career stuff..
Sound(ish) mind.. love it! I think I might borrow your look in the mirror reflections and do some introspection on myself in the same way! – http://www.domesticgeekgirl.com
Go for it! It’s still open as a linkup, but also just an awesome prompt to do whenever you want.
That sunrise was absolutely gorgeous as was your post. Knowing what we want to see in ourselves is perhaps the first step to getting there.
Thank you! I really do believe in visualizing what we want, so specifically, and being open to it when it happens.
What an amazing mental exercise! I love it!
Me too! Those Finish the Sentence Friday bloggers finish up their weeks STRONG!
This was so nice to read, Tamara. Your sister and her hubs look so happy—great pic! When I look in the mirror, I want to see someone who tries her hardest, especially for her family.
I hope it’s not just want you want to see – but also what you see! I see it in you.
When I look in the mirror, I see someone who’s scared to death of what the future holds. And I don’t want to be so scared. I see a person who’s working on that every single day. What a great post Tamera.
Lana, me too. Exactly. Thanks for chiming in with your wisdom!
What a great sunrise! So glad you took a photo of it!
Well, when I look in the mirror, I see someone who has been fearless in facing her battles or at least who has tried to be. I want to see someone who will love life more and more each day despite the challenges..
Great read! 😉
I love what you see in yourself. I see it too!
Also, I took about 50 of the sunrise! I’ll be sharing them soon.
I love this post. I think announcing your intentions out loud is a great way to make these realizations come true.
I think that’s so right. It’s almost like it holds us accountable, without being formal about it.
I see so many things when I look in the mirror – too much to write about. And I see WAY too much when I look in a magnifying mirror, so I just don’t look!
You are all those someones you want to see. And you rock the moose socks, too.
I’m a big fan of the sticky moose socks!
Those magnifying mirrors are my worst nightmare.
Awesome!! I so love this. And such beautiful pictures…St. Augustine is such a beautiful place.
Yes! I think I was looking more forward to it than I was Disney. And I miss it more.
Yes!! So many of these wants sound like my own. I want to stop being in my own way.
I want to shake fear & anxiety completely, so much so that if I talk about it I don’t relive it. Sometimes when you talk about anxiety, even if you’re not feeling it, do you start feeling the hot feeling of anxiety sweep over you, kinda like a reminder?
Wishing all your wants come true, although I think some are already there. Umm.. excuse me, you’re brave!
XOXI
Yes, sometimes talking about anxiety makes me anxious! And often not because I tend to only talk about it when I feel distant from it. So I think I probably have to get better about talking about it in real time. But you know how it is.. it makes that really hard.
My nose is kind of smarting from all these beautiful words and photos. I love coming here. When I look in the mirror, I want to see fresh faced and rosy-cheeked, no matter how old a face it is. But that, of course, is only the tip of the iceberg.
Oh my, yes. Fresh-faced and rosy-cheeked! Forever.
I figure as long as I can still sort of channel Snow White every now and then, it’s all going ok here.
Oh I love this, Tamara! It’s so interesting tiger what other people want when they look in the mirror and think they don’t have. I wonder if you’re a lot closer to your ideal mirror self than you imagine. And even without anxiety issues, I’m pretty sure 5 days in Disney would make me an anxious mess. I’m sure it’s in my future, I’ll report back!!
It’s weird when anxiety doesn’t really strike, although I was afraid of roller coasters. That may just be a Tamara thing, though.
I never thought we’d do Disney, to be honest. Now it’s three years in a row!
Yes, report back!
Transitions are the HARDEST on me… when I am leaving to go anywhere, I panic more than once I’m landed in that place. I finally figured that out- I go through several exercises to help me stay calm. I LOVE that you don’t have episodes while you are away. I know the roller coasters were challenging for you,but it seems you were able to maintain some solid stability. YAY! Oh, except for the puke. ACK. Bummer.
What you see in the mirror is absolutely glorious. You seem to be growing exponentially, my friend- I see both the enlightening joy and those achy growing pains coming through your writing. LOVE.
I’m weird because I’m ok about landing somewhere else, but often get my most anxiety coming home. I’d love to hear about your exercises! Mine mostly worked.
Those achy growing pains. I fear they won’t ever stop, but I think I’m learning to appreciate the more.
XOXO
I want to see more gorgeous winter sunsets!!
And after this 21 day fitness program, it would be nice to see someone who doesn’t still look pregnant! But, I’ll take the “you’re healthier” side benefits too.
And I want purple tights now.
At the closing of the day, no matter where the sun and shadows fall, I want to see someone who was Right There in the middle, catching it all.
Nah, sometimes I think I look pregnant but my friend told me that even when I was really pregnant, I just looked like her after a few beers. Meaning to say, you probably look divine to the rest of us.
With or without purple tights.
aw thanks, but seriously no – someone patted my tummy the other day. :-S
once i became a mom, i stopped caring about how i looked because i’ve been so exhausted and sleep-deprived that all i care about is getting up, getting to work and taking care of my family. so the mirror, for me, has lost its importance. my focus now is on being healthy and how i feel. it’s funny i’ve become such a different person. i throw on a black shirt and black pants for work, start my commute, and zone in on my meditations 🙂