I Do. I Did. I Confess.

Last night I had some free time to myself, so I read over everything I had blogged for our anniversary in the past.

It’s funny how the things I wrote then – while true – are actually much more evocative and realized today. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. They were mere truth seeds – powerful in their makeup and design – but not yet fully or half bloomed through. Now to be fair, full bloom takes forever or never and a day, if it happens at all. But oh – the potential and beauty! It’s thick. It can overrun your garden, and the the soil and the foundation will just expand to fit it all in. I’ve seen this.

I see this.

I do

The truth seeds were grown, with their potential and their capacity, and we hopefully have a lifetime to see them realized.

To realize them into bloom.

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The things I say today, are some things I’ve said before but I can’t even begin to tell you how true they are today. How messy it all is – like your blooming garden – wet and naked, dry and warm, always changing, always needing change, always finding a way to crack, to bend, to grow, to bloom, to rest, and to do it all again. And again. When they crack, they let the light in.

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There is just so much to say about nine years ago that I can barely write. His Converse. My hair. His hair. The Jedi Knight robe. Moose and wolf light projections on the tent. A horse and carriage? Yes, a horse and carriage. It was that or a golf cart.

Showing Scarlet and Des pictures of the horse and carriage is MUCH more satisfying. “Oooooh,” they breathe when they look at the wedding photos. Look at you!” Look at us indeed. And of course, nine years in the blink of an eye? Well, no. Not when you fill in those lightning quick years with long days of cross country driving and two pregnancies, and tons of “LOST” and “Doctor Who” watching. And this crazy journey of child-rearing. Sometimes, it’s hard. Like the know-it-alls said it would be.

And what we knew it could be.

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Those same people who tell us to hug our children tight because “time goes so fast and you’ll blink and they’ll grow up.” Well, I hug those children nearly 12 hours a day and I couldn’t possibly do it more, short of keeping them up all night. And still time will go so fast and I’ll blink and they’ll be grown. Then I might be sad. And what will I be left with? Well, other than the knowledge that I raised two great kids into two great adults? You. You are left, standing with me. This is what we planned.

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So yes, it can be tough. I think we’re hard on each other a lot, due to stress and dreams too big to fit into a world with sometimes narrowing choices. We always dreamed BIG. We still dream big. And, we will always dream big. And I’m talking big. Maybe not fly away in a Tardis big, but as close as you can get to that. Northern lights and a place where moose and wolves co-exist in relative harmony. More Bruce Hornsby nights. These are all real. And oh, what a gift that is.

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I confess that one of my most vivid thoughts on my wedding day was this: “Oh man. Will my waist stay this way after children?” It’s the little, strange things you remember. The little, petty thoughts that stay in your head. The things that don’t really matter. So it’s ok to say it did/does matter to me, and I’m happy to say that I love my waist today, like I did then.

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I confess I never had a single shred of doubt about the man I was marrying. I mean, you read this, right? No room for doubt. Cold feet in general? Yes. The whole thing was a mind trip for me. The relatives, the flying, the being the center of attention.

Although, the groom was never in doubt.

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I confess that I didn’t enjoy all of the reception much – my stomach and feet hurt greatly. However, the ceremony was one of the single most meaningful, spiritual and enjoyable 45 minutes of my life. I was in an all-around love trance.

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As I mentioned above, I confess that the choices to get up the hill to the ceremony were: on foot in silver shoes, in a golf cart, or in a horse-drawn wagon. I felt a little strange taking the wagon, but I admit it had style. In the carriage with my parents we said, “Is this really happening? Is this real? Pinch me? After all that..this..it’s happening?”

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I confess that our Ketubah was designed from the map in the movie TIME BANDITS. As it should be!

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And, that my mom made the centerpieces and when I saw my childhood favorite, Donald Duck, I broke into tears.

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And, I confess that I don’t really remember what the cake tasted like but LOOK at it! Whenever I looked around after the cake had been served, I smiled to see some of our favorite people eating chocolate moose and chocolate skulking wolves.

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I confess that we took a fun dance class at the Cheryl Burke dance studio in SF and I forgot a few of my steps at the end.

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And that there were a whole lot of us.

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I confess that I almost broke my leg during a strangely punk rock, extended version of Hava Nagila!

love

And that the song I chose for the father/daughter dance was “Drive” by The Cars. Not your typical choice, for sure, but it has always reminded me of him. “Butterfly Kisses” gives me hives, anyway.

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I confess that this photo was taken during the Time Warp. Obviously.

Rocky Horror Picture Show

And that maroon is the single best color in the world.

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I confess that we lit up a Vermont night. And late at night, we had projected images of a moose and wolf on the tent.

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I confess that there’s always a higher. I once thought love faded or turned into eventual annoyance and complacency. And I know that can and does happen, and I know I’m “only” nine years in. However, I do know there’s an alternative.

And we’re lucky.

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Does toddler Cassidy remind you of anyone?

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Happy 9th Anniversary, Love.

About Tamara

Tamara is a professional photographer at http://tamaracamera.com/, a mama of two, a writer/blogger at http://tamaracamerablog.com and a nearly professional cookie taster. She has been known to be all four of those things at all hours of the day and night. She is a very proud contributor to the book, The Mother Of All Meltdowns. http://themotherofallmeltdowns.com, as well as Stigma Fighters Anthology (volume 1), and The HerStories Project: So Glad They Told Me. She is also a proud Community Lead/QA Reader with Sway, and a regular contributor to the SoFab Food blog, and the Target Made Me Do It blog. After two cross country moves, due to her intense Bi-Coastal Disorder, she lives with her husband, daughter, son, dog, cat, and 11 chickens in glorious western Massachusetts.


Comments

I Do. I Did. I Confess. — 35 Comments

  1. Aw, love this so much and that even though we weren’t friends at that point, I felt like I was there in some small way reading words and seeing your photo memories here today. Happy anniversary, my friend!!! <3

  2. Wow you’re husband is pretty awesome. Love the converse, the hair and his ability to jump super duper high. Cassidy and Des look so such like both of you, I can feel the love through the computer screen. Happy Anniversary my friend, here’s to 9 more years and beyond.

  3. Oh tamara <3 this one gave me goosebumps. How special and real and wonderful and all-encompassing this love is that you both share.

    I didn't know so many of these details. Like the moosecond cake or the Ketubah, or the punk rock hava nagilla (googling that right this instant).

    Amazing 🙂 sounds like the perfect day. And yes, young Cassidy looks just like Des!

  4. This is so beautiful! Even though I wasn’t there 9 years ago, I went there with you today. It’s amazing how time can stand still and fly by at the same time, isn’t it? Happy 9 years, you two and I know there will be many more.

  5. Hello Tamara,
    Happy Anniversary, My Dear Friend …. Hope You and all of your family members are well.

    Nice to see all of photograph and happy to see your family. This is an amazing share to your Anniversary. You just organised it beautifully. Wish you all the best in future life.

    Thanks again for sharing.

  6. Happy Anniversary! Des does favor Cassidy. I love all of the details of your wedding and it was nice to take a trip with you down memory lane 🙂

  7. Aw, loved reading this and journeying back in time to one of my favorite days of all time, your wedding. It’s really interesting, you hit the nail on the head with me. I think about how much fun Mike and I had before kids, and we’re in somewhat of a limbo new parent phase with a new home and not a lot of money…and fun…is on the backburner…but one day, it will just be us again, so odd to think, but truth! xo

  8. I’ve seen your photos before, but never realized my wedding color was maroon too. Wow, see what 18 almost 19 years later does to a brain? You almost broke your leg during a punk rock version of Hava Nagila? Only you would have an awesome story like that!

  9. Happy Anniversary! You made me cry. You two are the most wonderful couple and I love your love story. After 27 years and two almost grown kids, my husband and I are at the “left, standing together” part of marriage. And it’s still pretty good!

  10. Wow! I can’t begin to describe all the special feelings I had while reading this, Tamara! Though with time, I imagine I’ll understand them more fully 🙂

  11. Those projected images of moose and wolf are the coolest! Happy 9th to the two of you! Reading along your blog for a few years now gave me and still gives me a glimpse or a part of your married/family life. Truly inspiring! ♥

  12. this gave me chills. you were a beautiful bride and i love how you dream big. we all should, and it was an important reminder for me today…as i’ve been feeling quite low career-wise. thank you!

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