Every now and then when someone touches my life, deeply, there’s a song that comes on whenever I think of them.
This is one of the truest things I know. I’m so uncertain about where I stand on religion, spirituality and God. It changes. Sometimes I believe in something. Sometimes I believe in everything. Sometimes I believe in next to nothing, except myself and the power of humans. I wish I could tell you something more concrete, but I find it too difficult. It’s something that slips through my fingers and passes through my mind. Sometimes it sticks. Sometimes it doesn’t. I want to be one of those sticky people.
I want to believe. I do believe.
When I was with one of my exes, “Tainted Love” came on the radio a lot. That was a clue, huh? With Cassidy it was many things, but one was “Someone Saved My Life Tonight.” One of the most powerful was after my paternal grandmother passed away.
The constant song was “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.” Years before she died, we used to watch Wizard of Oz together. She gave me a whole Wizard of Oz playset that is probably now worth thousands of dollars, if I hadn’t opened every doll and had them date Barbie and Ken at my Barbie McDonald’s. And knowing me and my sick mind and the way I grew up too fast in a household of siblings and friends, my poor Wizard of Oz characters probably did some naughty, naughty things in Barbie’s silver Corvette.
Which, incidentally, I’m pretty sure I stole from my sister.
Anyway. It was about two weeks after she died and I had begun my ascent back up from the dark, hideous hole I had fallen (climbed) down into when I heard the bad news about her death, and I wondered so hard and so furiously and so aloud. I wondered, “Did she know? Did she know how much I loved her? Was she still potentially able to tell?” So I turned on the radio.
Elton John. “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.” You can make up better things than that..but why would you?
I used to hide behind the couch during the scary Wicked Witch of the West scenes. My father died soon after I first saw the movie and that heady combination gave me phobias of both lions and tornadoes later in life. In New Jersey. I had lion and tornado phobias to conquer, and conquer I did. The witch thing faded too luckily. Scarlet has recently become interested in The Wizard of Oz after we went to a faerie garden museum exhibit in Old Lyme, CT last week. When I was four, I was Dorothy for Halloween.
She’s not there yet, and she may never be there, and she may never experience the utter darkness I experienced at her age, and her fears, frights and phobias may come from totally different things at totally different times. And they’re just that – different.
She’s mapped out for a different destiny. She’s mapping out a different destiny.
Des is too. He just doesn’t happen to be female and four, and I’m sensitive from my own experience of being female and four.
Being male and one is pretty awesome. Scrunchy-nosed smiley awesome.
And speaking from one of my last posts about wanting to freeze time, I always feel that way when we’re with one or all of the kids’ six grandparents. They take us to really fun and beautiful places. This museum exhibit was gorgeous and worth the drive.
Strange and wonderful things!
Even this sandbox was a hit, which was originally supposed to be an exhibit, but hey! It was the favorite thing for Des.
This did lead to a wardrobe change. We forgot to pack spare clothes but we had spare pajamas that I had intended for the late night drive home! It all kinda worked out because they’re adorable pajamas and great for photos.
And then the day ended, as all great days end, with cuddles, love and scenic backgrounds. This is all why I want to freeze time:
This. This, this, this!
“Back to the howling old owl in the woods
Hunting the horny back toad
Oh I’ve finally decided my future lies
Beyond the yellow brick road” — Elton John