Five & Ten Years Gone, Holding On.

I’ve been in this strange sort of melancholy for the last week or so.

Something must have burst to release it, which I don’t quite understand because I was inflated by financial stress until very recently. Things went/are going fairly well in that department as I am making my way out of the bottom and I am in the middle of a huge job. And I think it’s more than that. Cassidy and I had our six year anniversary and I don’t like feeling six years gone from that day on the mountaintop. And of course, now there’s a new wedding to help plan – my sister’s wedding this fall.

We share a heart, you see, like twins that are 22 months apart. And her wedding is big to me, and when she has babies, they will be so very special to me. No one ever really prepares you for the bond of sisters. Probably brothers too, but I wouldn’t know firsthand. That bond would make me try for a third kid to think of Scarlet having a sister, or even Des having a brother.

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I think Athena is fine for now.

There’s just this deflated feeling of everyone moving up. Why is that? My sister found true love. My daughter is starting kindergarten. I feel stuck, even though I’m not. I feel like I need to dig myself very far up to be what I need to be for both of them. I need to be BIG. Their journeys are not my own, but my own part in these experiences will take their own paths.

I hope I’m up to the task. I have a long way to go. I have to lift myself up out of the cold rain and fog.

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And there are things to celebrate right now. This week. And I’m a bit early with one, but since I’m doing a great Ask Away Friday this week, I might not get to say what I want to say about May 11th, 2004. That was the day that things really changed for Cassidy and me. We had a semi-professional, semi-cute client/inside sales rep relationship. We talked casually at times, but I was all business mostly. I had no idea what he looked like or how old he was. I was pulled off his account when the company moved me to only Texas clients and we started talking differently for the first time. The famous question was from him:

Have you ever seen a picture of me?

I hadn’t.

He sent me this:

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It shows nothing!

I sent him this.

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It shows everything! And sorry to repeat this photo twice in one week. It was appropriate.

Luckily the second photo he sent showed eyes and smiles. And George Lucas. And beer. That matters.

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George, could you try to look happy? You’re surrounded by greater greatness than you are. Don’t you know that? (no offense but I met you and I wasn’t impressed) No big smile or anything like that. No big warmth. And that’s what matters to me.

If you want to read the rest, which you totally do (I hope), my About Me page has the link to all 20 parts.

Ten years gone. Just like that. And lately the number has been five, with Scarlet turning five this summer. And it was five years ago this spring that we moved to Northampton, Massachusetts – a decision I have grown to love with my whole heart.

We got a new crosswalk in town last week.

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On Saturday we went to our fifth Northampton Pride Parade. It was the longest parade I think I’ve ever seen, with the march itself clocking in at around an hour. That’s long! Here are some of my favorite photos from the day:

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Our mayor and his wife!

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I also saw several good friends, my kids’ pediatrician, our library, our co-op, my own general practitioner, and many more people marching.

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These guys were dancing and gyrating until the parade was stopped in front of us – with our bunch of little kids up front. So they stopped dancing, which the kids didn’t quite appreciate, and just said, “Hi!” until they moved on down the parade route.

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I’m not positive but this guy was dancing with another guy and I swear it was a priest dancing with a rabbi, both rainbow-clad.

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The animals got in on it too.

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“Then as it was, then again it will be
An’ though the course may change sometimes
Rivers always reach the sea
Blind stars of fortune, each have several rays
On the wings of maybe, down in birds of prey
Kind of makes me feel sometimes, didn’t have to grow
But as the eagle leaves the nest, it’s got so far to go” — Led Zeppelin

About Tamara

Tamara is a professional photographer at http://tamaracamera.com/, a mama of two, a writer/blogger at http://tamaracamerablog.com and a nearly professional cookie taster. She has been known to be all four of those things at all hours of the day and night. She is a very proud contributor to the book, The Mother Of All Meltdowns. http://themotherofallmeltdowns.com, as well as Stigma Fighters Anthology (volume 1), and The HerStories Project: So Glad They Told Me. She is also a proud Community Lead/QA Reader with Sway, and a regular contributor to the SoFab Food blog, and the Target Made Me Do It blog. After two cross country moves, due to her intense Bi-Coastal Disorder, she lives with her husband, daughter, son, dog, cat, and 11 chickens in glorious western Massachusetts.


Comments

Five & Ten Years Gone, Holding On. — 154 Comments

  1. A bond between sisters must be so special! I don’t have a sister, well not a blood one at least. I do have a sister in-law though, but that’s of course not the same. Growing up, I always wished I had a sister and would regularly ask my mom for one. Needless to say I never got one. I’m close with my brothers, and they are close with each other. Must be such a cool dynamic to have a same gender sibling. However, I take nothing away from the brother-sister dynamic that exists, because it too is special. I would like a girl next, but wouldn’t mind at all if we had another boy, so Chunk could have a brother. So I know what you mean, when you say that about Scarlet and Des.

    It seems to be a common trend, with everyone feeling kinda melancholy or blasรฉ. I’ve come across a few people’s post that have said that very thing. I’ve been feeling that way a little bit myself. I’m chalking it up to the season change, because with the change of a season brings so many different things.

    • I wonder if it is the change of seasons – and that’s been very slow going here. We still have freezing nights and cool days. Today is absolutely gorgeous at sunny and 68, but not quite sundress weather yet.
      I have two sisters and two brothers and Cassidy was an only child but has two half brothers – he never lived with them, but the bond is strong.
      I guess we met somewhere in the middle of having two.

  2. I love the “Pride” photos! It looks like so much fun! And it is so great to see so many take part. I noticed the not so friendly look on Mr Lucas’ face the first time that I saw that pic. It is so sad when folks of his caliber cannot appreciate the fans that made him the personality that he is…if it wasn’t for those fans, he would not be where he is. I have been feeling a bit of the melancholia myself lately, sometimes it is hard to shake. I hate it when the loneliness takes over, no matter how hard I try to fight it. Hugs to you and I know that you will see it through and come out on top! Have a great week, my friend!

    • The melancholia seems to be going around – I blame the weather. At least here. Although today is absolutely gorgeous and inspiring.
      George Lucas might be friendly. I just love that photo because Cassidy looks totally open and warm and George Lucas looks cool, but not in the nice way, necessarily. Maybe both!

  3. Awesome photos! Your town and it’s people look beautiful! Love that new crosswalk. And I have always wondered what it would’ve been like to have a sister. I have a brother but we don’t have that bond that sisters seem to have, although we were great playmates growing up. I also hate that lonely feeling, but at least you know it always passes.

    • True – it does pass.
      The town parade is a big one and I love that I have now lived in two cities with their own Pride parades. We did one together in San Francisco and boy was that massive.

  4. I love the new crosswalk, it looks so bright and cheery. “Pride” photos look like all of the people there had a great time. In Croatia, they would be followed up by people protesting against Pride Parade :/. Makes me sad that Croatians can be so intolerant at times.
    On another note, I have been somewhat melancholic too lately and I can’t explain why. I keep chalking it up to our current situation but it’s been different. I hope you have a great week though and that your melancholy goes away.

    • That’s tough. I lived in San Francisco and there was a small group of protestors at their Pride event. That was hard. I doubt there’s ever any here but this is a much different place than a big city.
      I hope all of our melancholy moods improve! And fast!

  5. Love the crosswalk!
    And totally know what you mean about the moving on and up. I don’t really want to be 8 years from our day either. I want to be right back there all the time. And sometimes, that’s just plain hard.

  6. Led Zeppelin works absolutely perfectly for this post. As you know my emotions are so conflicted about Emma starting Kindergarten. Seriously, I know there will be more tears shed before this is all said and done! And I also cant believe Kevin and I have been married almost 8 years. Where does the time go?! But the parade definitely looked amazing and we have the Memorial Day one coming up here for our town very soon now, too ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Ooh, we only have a little Memorial Day one and it’s at a little town part of the city. Nothing like Pride. I love them all, though!
      The kindergarten thing – I have to take a chill pill about it but I can’t! I started kindergarten right after my father passed away so it’s making me much more anxious than it would, but I think it would anyway!

  7. Happy belated Anniversary – my 20th is next month – where does the time go?

    Hope you cheer up soon – have a great day ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Been feeling that too but in my case, there is just so much responsibility right now on my back. I remember to say to myself “Hooray, it’s May! Lindsay is getting married! A new baby girl is due ! “. Now, to get those dioramas made and breathe in spring!

  9. I was just reading an article yesterday about a woman who had just been diagnosed with breast cancer, and was feeling depressed because she had “only” been a doctor and a mom and wanted to be more. Now that made me think! I have felt stuck because I’m “only” a preschool teacher and a mom, but if a doctor can also feel that way, well, perhaps that is a silly way to think. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Yes, it must be silly! I can see being upset if you have lived your whole life on someone else’s terms – maybe you have a job you hate but never left. So you’re not doing what you love. And maybe you wanted kids but never had them.
      Those..are tough situations, in my head. But not this!

  10. OMG. I had some good friends at the Northampton Pride Parade! You didn’t happen to see anyone wearing a rainbow-colored Cthulhu-type squid hat, did you?? Your pictures are great. I’m going to link them to them.

    • ha! I bet he does smile but maybe he saves them for every 20th photo. That’s my theory!
      And geeking over him happens despite the frowns.

    • That’s so cool! I think he does exude cool – in both senses of the word. And Cassidy is all warmth in that photo! Which is why I fell in love.

    • I hope it’s there to stay! I don’t think it’s meant to be temporary but it was a rush job. So maybe they’ll perfect it over time.

  11. Girl, I am either a super stalker, or I’m just really starting to know you well, because when you mentioned the picture that Cassidy sent you and you wrote, “It shows nothing,” I scrolled down to your picture and immediately said to myself, “it shows everything,” and then that’s exactly what you wrote. I think we’re soul sisters.

    • I think you’re not a super stalker, although I wouldn’t mind, but I think we think alike! And we must write alike too.
      Soul sisters!!

  12. How exciting though to help plan your sisters wedding ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m not that close to my sisters but I have a best friend whose basically my sister from another mother. She’s already married but planning an affair at the end of the year, I’ll have to purchase a sari and all kinds of stuff since it’s a Middle Eastern affair. Fun! Love the colorful crosswalk, my son would have balls of fun on those. ๐Ÿ™‚ Love definitely has no limits ๐Ÿ˜€ Hope you’re feeling lighter today and more progressive love. HAPPY HUMP DAY! -Iva

    • There it is! HAPPY HUMP DAY in all caps. Is it sad that I measure how fast time is passing by seeing your Wednesday greetings? I’m not even kidding. Time is passing!
      A Middle Eastern wedding sounds fun!! I’ll have to see photos!

      • I will be happy to share photos ๐Ÿ™‚ LOL I’m glad I help you gauge time – yesterday went like the blink of an eye! It was a GREAT hump day because it was our anniversary and we were both home so it was a great time together and I bought him awesome knife cuff links (cuff links that open up to a butterfly knife) – I had to talk him into NOT wearing them open and keep them closed before he gets sued for scratching someones eyes out inadvertently. Lol. ๐Ÿ™‚

          • He LOVES cuff links, hates any sort of jewelry though (so watches are out of the question) – so I like to find the most unique ones available. He is lucky and he knows it ๐Ÿ˜› He’s also a veteran so I know he likes these sorts of gadgets that have dual-purposes for safety. ๐Ÿ˜€ So wait are you flying down here next month?

  13. Wow, so much emotion and goodness in this post! I love the pictures of the pride parade, Vancouver has a really big and awesome one as well.
    I get your feelings about people moving on and up and you feeling stuck in the place where you’re at – I feel like that myself a lot. It’s so hard to see where you’re going when you’re right in the middle of it, isn’t it? But your direction is definitely “up”, my friend! xo

    • I went to the San Francisco one once and it made ours look like small potatoes, but I think I like that because I am small potatoes!
      And thank you for that vote of confidence – I hope I’m going up, but it doesn’t always feel that way!

  14. Love the 5 and 10 years gone – and even better years to come!!!
    That parade looks incredible – so very great to see a community embrace all people – we need much more of that in our country!!
    And, I didn’t realize Scarlet was a thumb sucker. My little Hunter (not so little now but….) sucked his thumb for years and it was very much a part of him for a long time. Sometimes I miss those days (not often but every once in awhile I want him to climb into my lap without crushing me!!).

    • Aw! Yes, Scarlet only sucks her thumb when she’s tired or uncertain. So it can actually be weeks or even months without, or it can be in the middle of a parade! It’s cute, right? I’m sure it’s an orthodontic nightmare, but both of her parents had braces for a long time so I’m not hopeful about my kids not needing them!

  15. For some reason your blog refuses to load the pics for me but I know that they’re beautiful and to be honest I don’t need the pictures to understand what you’re saying. I don’t have a sister but I do have a brother who’s 13 years older than me and we are as close as can be so totally get it. I missed visiting and reading while I was going through my medical and family stuff but it ends now and I can’t wait for you know what. Love you!

    • Seeing you here again is a big deal! I’m so excited.
      I hope you get to see the photos later but I’ll sum it up for you – LOTS of rainbows. Just tons of them.
      Love you too!

  16. I love the crosswalk and the dog photos! Well you know I love all your photos, but I couldn’t stop looking at those! I am feeling a little stuck right now too…but I feel a change coming on with the sunshine!

    • Thanks! Do you mean the real dog or the fake dogs? They must live in town and I’ll see them from time to time. Amazing costumes. It must get warm in there but they’re so much fun. They’re called “furries.”
      And today is a BEAUTIFUL day!

  17. The photos–wow. All that color. What a wonderful parade to capture on camera! And the melancholy? I’ve been feeling it too. I think I’ve got the cause of it nailed down to three very specific things, for me at least, and the still cold weather of Massachusetts was not helping. But today is sunny and warm, and already I feel the melancholy giving way a bit, making room for some chances to find silver linings instead of the aching grey I’ve been feeling. Lovely post, as always.

    • I can probably narrow mine down too, and the weather DOES matter. Ugh, it’s been awful. Usually by now I’m happily in sandals and dresses and today it’s combat boots and old jeans. Terrible.
      I do feel that things will smooth out nicely.

  18. There’s so much I could say about this post. Your relationship with your sister reminds me of the one I have with mine. My husband is my soul mate but she is my other half. I’m still getting used to her being married and in TEXAS! More importantly photos of Thornes and Faces! My two favorite things about Northampton. I’ve spent many a dollar in those two stores.

    • Aw, you were mentioning your sister recently! But.. TEXAS. Boo!!
      I love that you know and love my town! I love Faces. I’ve spent some good money there myself.

  19. This post has such a perfect timing for me as I have finally finished reading your How I Met Your Father story so I clearly remember the photos you first sent each other. I was in the office at work yesterday from 3am-8am and I finished until episode 13 then went home to continue on with the rest of the episodes from 10am-2pm. Wow, I think I even dreamed of your story when I slept that afternoon! It was very, very beautiful. I can feel every happiness and every pain you had and I was so inspired by your story. You wrote it so wonderfully that I couldn’t stop reading word for word. I love it! And I’m so impressed of the details and even the songs. It’s like there’s always a soundtrack every time, like in movies!

    I can go on and on but this has been a long comment. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Rea! That makes me so happy! Thank you so much. I love long comments, and it’s totally appropriate that you just read it and it’s nearly ten years since it all began.
      I’d love to hear about your dreams if you remember them, but I know those things can be so abstract.

  20. I love the pics from the pride parade – how fun! I know what you mean about wanting to be big to help our loved ones in their journeys. Over the years I have realized that my bigness is not necessary, and what a relief that is.

  21. Sometimes time moves so quickly and I just want it to slow down. Other times it drags along and I wish this would go faster. I’ve now been with Ken for half of my life and that just seems….WOW! I don’t know what it seems! Unreal!?!

    • Unreal is a good word! And that is a big WOW. It’s only been six years for Cassidy and me, but longer if you factor in us date. I think an exact quarter of my life! Wow.

  22. As an only child I know no such bond (sad face) but I am so happy to witness it between my boys in the early stages! The pics from the Pride parade are so much fun and the rainbow streets are amazing. You can totally repeat that picture forever you look so amazing/beautiful/mysterious in it!!

    • Thank you! I know one year it will be far too dated to use. That’s my sad face right there!
      And being an only child probably has lots of perks – I just never knew! Cassidy was one and I was one of five so we decided to have more than one and less than five. Seems to work.

    • He used to work for his company so he probably saw him around a lot. I know I saw him around twice from just visiting Cassidy at work. And let me tell you – that was a FUN place to visit.

    • Congrats on 15 years! Sometimes it’s hard to shake the melancholy so I let it run its course. Sometimes life is harder than other times. Sometimes very hard. And sometimes on the easier side.

  23. The darling blonde preschooler in the rainbow feathery wig is my friends’ daughter. Can I copy the picture to send to her?

  24. The kids in your city are so lucky to be growing up in a diverse and accepting community. It looks like everyone had a good time at the parade. I love the colorful crosswalk!

    • Thanks! I think so too. I’d love to grow up here myself. I guess I am in a way.
      The crosswalk is fabulous! It’s near an airport too so I wonder if any landing planes can see it.

  25. I love your Pride pictures- I wish I’d known or I might have thought about coming! Most Pride events are in June, so this wasn’t even on my radar. And the crosswalk is great, too- I remember that intersection from the one time I was in Northampton. And yes, I know what you mean about bonds between sisters. I don’t know what I’d do without mine!

    • That’s right – I remember San Francisco Pride being in June. It’s always the first Saturday of May here, I think?, and it’s always been a sunny, warm day – never hot or rainy or anything else.

  26. Your photos are so awesome, I feel like I just sat through a really fun parade with you all! The colors are so vibrant, the joy apparent on all the faces! Love your work, and it shows that you love it too!

    • Thank you so much! I was so distracted this year. Usually I take hundreds of photos but I was happy to take less, but more meaningful ones.

  27. I get the feeling about wanting to feel big- in your own journey and someone else’s. For a while now, I feel like I need something to boost me, something big. Something just for me.

    What a truly beautiful crosswalk and parade.

    • I remember I used to feel that way even more last year – like every day I’d be waiting for something fabulous to happen. And it never really did because I wasn’t trying so much. Then I discovered blogging with community and building a photography business and lately things have been so much more rewarding.

  28. I’ve been going through some “what is my purpose in life?” crises the last couple of years, off and on. When I was a teenager, and “my 30s” seemed like a lifetime away, I thought I would have things figured out by now. I don’t. ๐Ÿ™‚

    But we keep on keepin’ on…

  29. I am sorry you are feeling melancholy (sp? yikes) ๐Ÿ™ Today the name “Tamara” has crossed my path 3 times, so girl you have come to mind! Hugs! Thank you for sharing those beautiful downtown pictures (I am so proud and on the verge of tears) You keep me close in spirit with your lovely photos.
    Love the pic of Cassidy and your description of George. LOL!

  30. You know, if you keep going like this, I’m gonna start dropping by for the musical selections instead of the fantastic photos and heart warming words. ๐Ÿ™‚
    My small town is far too conservative to have a Pride Parade, and I highly doubt there will be rainbow paintings anywhere either. Kinda disappointing when I desire to teach my kids about loving, tolerance and that Human Rights is our Pride.

    • ha! Anything to get you to drop by. My blog has always had a slight musical twist.
      That may be disappointing but the best lessons come from YOU anyway! My town is exaggeratedly and wonderfully tolerant and my kids will see that and not even realize that the rest of the world (and country) isn’t like this.

  31. So sweet you and your sister. I have a brother and a sister. My sister is 12 years younger though. My brother is a year younger. I feel closer to people in my faith though than I do to either of them. Me and my sister didn’t really get that close. I think she was young when I went off to school and I haven’t been back long enough ever since. Me and my brother just drifted to different paths. We talk every now and again to see how each other is doing but that is it. My connection with this one sister that I met in my faith is very strong. It’s amazing. It may sound weird, but because of her, I know what you mean. ๐Ÿ™‚ So happy for you having all of these milestones! Looking forward to nice wedding pictures and pictures from the events leading up to it!

  32. I am in awe of all the photos, You sure do have a gift! I love really love the one of you and Cassidy at the beginning. Lots of love there ๐Ÿ™‚
    I have not been feeling my best this week either. I’ve got a lot going on and I just can’t shake it. Usually, it’s much easier. I guess I will tell both of us that this too shall pass. You seem like a pretty strong woman and I know I am, so I think we’ll be okay. Until then, keep your chin up and know I am thinking of you. XX

    • Wow, thank you! The photos were fun but I wasn’t as into it as I wanted to be because of the kids/dog.
      I’m a pretty strong woman but sometimes I forget it for long periods of time. When I’m reminded, I am SO reminded. When I am weak, I feel powerless.
      xoxo!

  33. Mike and I just celebrated 8 years married, 11 together and it just doesn’t seem possible. So much has changed and so little has stayed the same. It’s hard but it’s oh so good!
    Absolutely LOVE all the pictures from the parade. I think we NEED to see that next year!

    • Wow! And we’re 6 and 10 over here. We did have two years apart, though, so that was rough.
      Umm..definitely come next year! Definitely!!

  34. Your home, your colorful parades, all the love and a wedding! Good things Tamara! all good things. I love the “action” photo btw. Just shows that your husband has a wonderful sense of humor. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • haha! Yes. You can’t tell a thing about him, though. He looks older in that photo and much dorkier than the second photo. I still fell for him in between photos, though.

  35. Hi, hi, hi! Yes, it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to get over here. I wasn’t even sure you would notice me gone. I’m a little number in your crowd. lol. I love that crosswalk-so pretty! That is awesome that you would go to support gay pride-we have one here every year. As Scarlet turns five and starts school, are you doing home schooling?

    • You silly! I didn’t necessarily notice you gone here as much as from your own blog. I missed the shoes and the chocolate. No such thing as a little number here.
      No home schooling for us – I am not made of the stuff for that. She’ll be going to a school only two miles away. Yay!

  36. Sorry you’ve been in a funk, Sweets. I’m having a hard time swallowing that Tucker will be heading to kindergarten this fall, even though I know we have an entire summer of memories to savor before then. It just feels sad, like the days of lollying and playing are soon to be so much more structured. Even though he’s been in school for the past 2 years. Kindergarten is just bigger. I love your Pride photos and that crosswalk is beyond cool. Definitely have another baby. I won’t be so I’ll be able to live vicariously through you!!

    • ha! As Des gets closer to two it becomes less of a “oh hell no” thing. I just don’t know that we could afford it and I’m terrified of another pregnancy. The last one was hard.
      However maybe when these two are a bit older and more helpful. ‘Cause right now Athena is more helpful than they are.

  37. 1. You know how you sometimes get lifted because of the support and love you have around you, and you feel grateful? Imagine that in reverse, that you somehow have a role in those up levels your sister and Scarlet are experiencing. Because you do. For more than just those two.

    2. I wish we had crosswalks like that here. Not just for the artistic value, but to get people to use them. So many people here cross the road between cars and get killed. Maybe if they followed the rainbow …

    3. I still owe Grace a pride parade.

  38. I have four sisters but one of them (Angela) is my twin. Two years apart but it makes no difference. Warmth is so important to me too, and smiles! I met one of my favorite writers once (Ray Bradbury) and it was such a disappointment. I stopped trying to meet people I admired after that. I believe you will rise to the occasions of your beautiful drop dead gorgeous sister’s wedding and Scarlet’s *sniff* transition into full time school. I love your city’s PRIDE! and your photos really capture the spirit.

    • Ray Bradbury!? That is so, so awesome. I love every book of his ever. However, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t look like he swallowed a lemon when you meet him.
      I met Jodi Picoult and she was everything and more. However I can see it backfiring a lot with people I admire. I’ll just admire all my blogging friends because you all are cooler than cool.

  39. George Lucas looks just like he always does, like he’s been forced to watch his last 3 movies on repeat! And I am SO in love with that rainbow dress, I would wear it every single day. You know, if it came in adult size!

    • Ok, I definitely just laughed out loud at that one! He probably had to read his own dialogue over and over.
      I’m always searching for rainbow dresses for myself!

  40. George Lucas does not impress me. I mean have you HEARD the dialogue on ANY Star Wars movie? LOL! Your photos of the parade however, quite impressive!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    And I hear you on the time passing, it’s all too much at once sometimes. I get that. xoxo

  41. I think I can commiserate a bit with what you’re feeling. I recently struck out on my own to do freelance writing, and so far it’s gone amazingly well! And yet I still feel so blah about it, like I’m not going anywhere. I know that’s not the reality, and yet it feels that way for some reason.

    • That’s awesome – congrats! I need to do more writing for profit. It’s a goal. And it’s weird to feel blah but I hit ruts with both of my careers, and my parenting. And then it gets better again.

  42. Your melencholy bleeds through your words Tamara. It’s ok to be melencholy, sad, angry, scared and confused…otherwise we wouldn’t be human or appreciate how great love and happiness feels. I teared up more than once during this post. I have a sister and, yes, there is nothing like that bond. I crave it for my daughter. I also LOVED the outpouring of support for your pride parade! I love seeing all the different ages, colors and backgrounds represented there! We don’t have a parade in our town but I’d love to take Soph to them. This summer will be amazing with Scarlet and you’ll be SO PROUD of her once she’s in school, making friends, doing homework, creating art and learning new songs! You’ll feel this way again when she goes to high school and even more so when she goes to college..and that’s ok. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Totally ok to be all of those things. In fact, I prefer any kind of strong emotion to the absence of emotion – which I have felt before but never for any longer than a few days.
      This is quite a parade. I’ve been to the one in San Francisco and while it was an experience I was so happy to have, I am happier in my smaller city! Where everybody knows your name!
      And college. Gulp! Cannot fathom.

  43. I have brothers and sisters and the bond between sisters is amazing!!! I feel you so stuck in this post. I feel like that most of time. I feel like everyone around me is doing so much and I am just the same. Sadly enough I have gotten used to this feeling. Your town’s pride parade is so calm, The pride weekend here is insane (you can imagine, it is Miami)!!

    • I can imagine! The one in San Francisco that I went to was nuts. And there were just a few opponents of it. Which is actually impressive in such a big city. No opponents at our parade!

  44. Very cute crosswalk. How cheery! I have a great bond with my sister, so I know what you mean. But I ain’t trying for a 3rd. My boy and girl will just have to have a bro-sis bond :). I know you can rise from the funk. Plus, funks are natural. Makes the highs that much better.

    • So true. You need a little funk in your life sometimes.
      And I have been pretty sure about only having two, but mainly because of the pregnancy thing. I just don’t know that I can do that again! There are other avenues to explore for us, possibly.

  45. I know what it is like to be in a fog. I am sort of in that same kind of mood. Now that the busy month of April is gone, I am trying to get back into my old routine. I feel a need for something more too. I just don’t know what yet.

    I love your photos! I don’t think I would be able to handle watching a parade like that one. I would feel awfully uncomfortable. But your photos are colorful and beautiful. Have a terrific day!

    • I really appreciate you loving the photos despite not wanting to go to the parade itself – that says a lot! Thank you.
      I come in and out of the fog. I keep blaming the weather! I can feel good things happening, though.

  46. That looks like a really great parade. I want to go some day! Regarding the bond between siblings, it’s amazing to watch the relationship between my two boys. It’s really special actually.

  47. I love how you contrasted the splash of color in your pictures and described the melancholy you’ve been feeling lately.

    Sometimes even in the depth of happiness, I catch myself shedding a tear, worried about the moment passing wondering if I will ever feel this way again. I’ve accepted this part of my own personal pendulum although some days it is difficult to navigate.

    • Isn’t that funny? I didn’t even really notice until you said so. At least I can still feel the deep colors of the world. And the pride.

  48. Miss Trans New England? That is awesome. And I know what you mean about that deflated feeling. I get that sometimes, especially because it’s my job to raise my kids and help them move up and out. And where does that leave me? Wow. That’s too heavy for 9:19 pm – my brain hurts.

    • New England has it all!
      That comment was so heavy, I nearly couldn’t read it! Just kidding. I was in my data entry hell, but I’m happy to say that it’s OVER! And my reaction looks like that photo of Julie Andrews dancing in a field as Maria.

  49. I’ve read that a bond between sisters is stronger than almost any other relationship — including spouses and with your parents. You are up to being there for everyone. I’m sure you’ll feel inflated and inspired soon.

    • Sisters are something else! Sometimes I think I want another daughter. Sometimes I think another son. I think they’re all just fantastic and I’m just so grateful to have two. They love each other very much. Siblings are amazing.

  50. Oh I hope that my girls someday say the same thing about the bond between sisters. I didnโ€™t get a sister until I was 17 years old, and while we are pretty close, I doubt that our bond is anywhere near what it would have been had it been from birth. As far as the time goneโ€ฆjust take a look at how much has changed for you in the last five and ten years and realize that just as much could change in the next five to ten years as well. And that should be exciting to think about!

    • My sister and I are 22-months-old and we were honestly at war with each other for several years! However we’ve been through everything together and once she turned 18 and left home, we’ve been best friends. And we were total allies when it mattered.

  51. I love that you include music in your posts because I’m reminded of so many great songs! I know that feeling of wanting to be big, needing to be big yet feeling stuck. But sometimes I feel like I don’t know what big would look like in my life or that of others, if that makes sense. I see the bond between my boys and it is amazing. There’s nothing like it.

    • If I ever got pregnant again, I’d want it to be boy/girl twins because I want there to be sisters and brothers!
      I’m asking for a lot, aren’t I?

  52. I am one of four sisters and had three daughters. There is a bond between sisters like no other.
    And on the subject of time passing, my life has flown by. Although we raised three girls and homeschooled for 17 years, sometimes it is hard to remember they ever lived here! I am grappling with this new stage of life. Great post!

    • Wow! Lots of sisters in your family for sure. I always thought I’d only have daughters the way my mom did, but I got a son! Now I want boy/girl twins – is that too much to ask for??

  53. There really is an amazing bond between sisters. My sister is truly my best friend, the person I go to when I need a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to. And the parade looks truly amazing! I may have to come out to Northampton one year to experience it first hand.

  54. I really have to visit Northampton someday! it looks like a really fun place. And yes… the sister thing is so true. You will only get closer when she has kids. I call or text my sister almost daily to ask her a questions about my kids! (She’s my younger sister but she had kids first so she is my mom-mentor.)

    • Visit anytime!
      I’m a younger sister who had kids first (as well as an older sister who had kids first). I want them to call me! My sister-in-law is about to have her second so she’s a good reference too.

  55. You have such a wonderful relationship with your sister..well I don’t have to tell you that. My sister and I were like cats and dogs. Once I threw a pop can at her face for smearing a booger on my bedroom wall. Yup. We’re over it now.
    I get what you mean about being sort of stuck, rather, time moving faster than you. It’s not a fun place to be in and know that I’m sending so much love.
    I am so excited about the parade!!! Gay marriage is allowed here and a woman in the LTYM show could not marry her girlfriend because Michigan doesn’t allow it. That pisses me off beyond belief.

    • haha! No we were like cats and dogs until she went away to college. I once scratched her face and left a dark mark. Like Harry Potter dark marks.

  56. {Melinda} My daughter turns 18 this year. There is a melancholy that goes along with the passing of time โ€ฆ have I done enough? What if I haven’t? What is I wasn’t a good enough more for her? I understand that feeling you’re talking about it here. Sigh.

    On another note โ€ฆ the story of how you and your hubby met is super cute. I WILL go to your About page and read more! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Aw, I can so imagine. I think that way before preschool ends. Have I prepared her for kindergarten? And it’s nothing like adulthood.
      I hope you read it, and thanks!

  57. I kid you not- I was JUST thinking about you late last night and how I needed to go read your story about Cassidy!!!! And I thought to myself, “Gosh, I can’t remember where she said it was, and Lord knows I won’t find it searching all over her blog- I wonder if there is a place where she put it that I’m not thinking about- etc etc etc”

    Isn’t that amazing??!!! And here you post it! YAY!!! I am running to a rainy soccer tourney- but I AM GOING TO READ IT!!!!

    And here’s the thing about new beginnings and endings and transitions and BIG moments to come…and have gone…

    Sometimes I struggle with adjusting to the overwhelming emotion of it all…and accepting it…because it just seems too much to handle all at once. Waves- they pour on us sometimes. And I get it. We are ‘feelers’ and so every single thing that we experience erupts within us… and ohmyheart, that can be almost paralyzing!! That’s when I need to categorize it all. I somehow safely place each emotional piece into it’s place within my mind and my heart. Perhaps through writing, thinking, praying, photos, lists and artifacts that inspire and reflect those moments that are coming or left behind. I process through each part and attach my perspective and my emotion and my plan to engage and experience it. Does that even make sense?

    It just seems to help me embrace it all better- because if I don’t do that, things get too blurry for me to see it all and take it all in with clarity and peace. What is inspiring and exciting and super emotional, somehow becomes too stirred and twists into stressful responses. All the beauty in the season starts to get too heavy and draining instead of fulfilling and lifting. It takes so much energy, to feel the way we do… doesn’t it?

    • I have some links to it on the home page and about me page but..COSMIC here. And it’s only if you have spare time to read all ridiculously long posts. 20, to be exact.
      It does take a LOT of energy to be such a “feeler” – you’re right. But not always. That’s what’s weird. Sometimes the feelin’s just easy. Sometimes it’s not. It changes with the tides of change and other ridiculous happenings.

  58. Very cool parade. Love the new crosswalk. But my favorite pic was the one of the elderly lady waving in the car. Her smile catches the mood of the parade perfectly!

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