My Other Ex.

Friendship fascinates me in all forms.

Photo & Video Sharing by SmugMug

It’s the way we come together. It’s the way we drift apart. It’s the way we fall in love, fast or short, and it’s not romantic but it’s a heady and powerful rush. It’s the way we turn to silence and exclusion, or shouting and inclusion. It’s friendships that span for decades, and they last. Or they end suddenly, or die a slow and quiet death over tens of years. It’s the fact that for many of you, I wouldn’t even know you again. I wouldn’t even try. I wouldn’t even know that what we had then, we don’t have now. Or that what we didn’t have then, we do have now. I guess we can thank Facebook and other social media for that.

Photo & Video Sharing by SmugMug

(This has been my Facebook profile photo for years now.)

I spent most of the weekend finishing up “My Other Ex, Women’s True Stories of Leaving and Losing Friends.” I don’t like to write about books I haven’t finished, mainly, but I also could not put this book down. It made me question the causes and effects of several friendship breakups throughout my life so far. Quite frankly this book made me feel raw in the best ways, it made me feel wise as if I already knew so much, and it made me feel fragile as I examined the many ways in which friendships dissolve. I also thought about my children and the inevitable pain they will feel in their lives. It’s there waiting.

friendship

In 6th grade, the elementary schools all spit out their former 5th graders together for the first time, and I arrived at the new school to see that my previous best friend, who had moved schools two years earlier, had replaced me with a new best friend.

In 8th grade, it happened again with one of my oldest and sweetest friends. We were best friends and then she decided to share that title with someone else. So I did the same with a new friend I had a strong connection with until..

She dated the boy I was “in love with” in 9th grade. It wasn’t even the love triangle that separated us. It was that we drifted and I told her I felt the drifting, and she said she didn’t mind. She liked the drifting. That was that.

For years, I thought and sometimes still think there’s something wrong with me. That I’m not meant to have just one best friend. And perhaps I’m not. I have many close friends and my family and our pets. And I have two sisters.

Photo & Video Sharing by SmugMug

I have a very full life right now, but I could bring up these ancient stories to my mind, as vividly as if they had happened yesterday. The stories in this book tell of both old and new friendships – separations from early childhood, the terrifying teen years, and even adult and motherhood. These women can tell you their raw and painful stories as if they had happened yesterday, no matter the story. No matter the history. The book discusses the dark underbelly of female friendships and how the hard stuff starts so early – the aggression in the forms of manipulation, exclusion and withholding friendship rather than aggression in the forms of fists or hurled insults. I have been a mean girl. And I have been a victim to mean girls, although all of that stopped completely by 7th grade because I had four tough siblings and a mouth on me that would scare a truck driver.

I still do. Also. I’m nice. I’m very nice. Until I’m not, which usually has some reasoning behind it.

Photo & Video Sharing by SmugMug

In adulthood, post kids, I’ve had to drift or end friendships only twice, in cases where it started to feel unhealthy. When I started to feel panicked, anxious, scared, and annoyed. When I stopped wanting to hear and tell stories about these women, because sometimes there are only so many stories you can hear and tell. I just saw one of these women for the first time in several years and it was actually quite wonderful. I regret the disintegration of something beautiful and whole.

Perhaps it’s not too late with that one. “My Other Ex” does blessedly have a section on resolutions.

These stories are resonant and lifelong, and often more vivid and humiliating than the breakups of romantic relationships.

Photo & Video Sharing by SmugMug

(The woman to my left is one of my oldest friends, so I’m just popping this in!)

The first story of the book unfolded like a dance and a dream, and I found myself holding back tears from its pain. Strange, because I don’t even think I was mourning anyone directly, but I was mourning a friendship my sister had once that stopped cold turkey because quite honestly, I think her best friend turned into a demon. Sometimes that’s the only explanation.

In “My Other Ex”, some women were dumped. Some did the dumping. With many, I not so secretly hope these ex-friends read the beautiful stories that feature them. I hope they recognize themselves, and maybe even the pain and regret. Or the wonder. I watch my daughter, even in kindergarten, navigate the icy waters of mood and friendship changes.

It turns by the day. Heck, it turns by recess.

Photo & Video Sharing by SmugMug

Sometimes it amazes me that friendships do survive childhood and adolescence and beyond. And they do. And many don’t.

I have the attention span of a gnat these days. I had TEN photo shoots in the last two weeks. My sister got married. I’m not sleeping enough. I have writing to do up to my eyeballs. I’m largely disgruntled at many things. And yet. I read this book.

I devoured this book. I fell asleep in bed with it, with two cats on top of me. It’s that good.

For more info about the book, check out the website HERE.

About Tamara

Tamara is a professional photographer at http://tamaracamera.com/, a mama of two, a writer/blogger at http://tamaracamerablog.com and a nearly professional cookie taster. She has been known to be all four of those things at all hours of the day and night. She is a very proud contributor to the book, The Mother Of All Meltdowns. http://themotherofallmeltdowns.com. After two cross country moves, due to her intense Bi-Coastal Disorder, she lives with her husband, daughter and son in glorious western Massachusetts.

Comments

My Other Ex. — 129 Comments

  1. Aww, first of all, you know you have a friend in me always – that’s a fact you can count on! Second, I know I totally devoured this book and seriously couldn’t put it down when I read it. Definitely brought me back and then some, as well as made me also realize my girls are going to have one hell of a friendship ride in the years to come. No matter how much I wish I could keep them from any harm in this department and more, I know it is indeed inevitable – this book just made it more real I suppose.

    • This comment made my night last night! It was really important for me that you liked what I said. I was very captivated by the book, and I think it was an important book to be written.

  2. I seriously love this. I never had a true best friend until High School and amazingly, we are still friends. I had good friends from Junior High, in fact, I married one of them who is now my best friend, but I didn’t have a “Best Friend” until Cindy. After High School, I met my adult “Best Friend” and we were attached at the hip for YEARS. We are still friends, more like family, and would do anything for each other even though our lives keep us separated a lot.

    You are awesome and I am proud to know you and consider you a great friend! P.S, you dancing with the tulip is an awesome picture!

    • It’s funny how blogging and distance factor into this. How we can have very close friendships with people we have never met. Although at this point, I was telling Cassidy that I’ve met several of my blog and friends in person by now. And it’s wonderful. Mall of America one day?
      I think it’s wonderful that you are still friends with your best friend from high school. I actually didn’t write beyond middle school too much, but I did have a best friend in high school. It’s not quite the same now, but the love has remained intact. And when I do see her or speak to her, it’s as if no time has passed. I guess that’s what matters these days when we are far apart and we both have children.

  3. I think I said it before, I wished I would read more these days, but – at the moment – not a chance. This book and certainly your review of it make me want to read it. Friendship is one of the most important things in life. Yes, there is family, but there is the ‘family you choose’ = friendship. Going through the ups and downs of friendships seems to be part of life. I certainly had my share, too. I still remember my best friends from kindergarten and 1st school, although I am not in contact with them anymore. But I wonder about them. Then in highschool and teenage years, there were a lot of changes, great friends but no best friends until very late. But again, I wonder. And for a major part it is my fault, because I have been moving a lot. And back then, the internet was not what it is today… My bff are living overseas (Germany & Australia) and it is far and between that we talk, lest see each other. But when we do, it is like old times. All is good. Those are the friends we need in our lives. ’nuff said, time for bed πŸ™‚
    Have a wonderful week!

    • That’s funny because I was just writing something about this above! That I do and did have best friends throughout life, but we have jobs now and families. We all live in different places. Social media can be very binding in its best ways. And when I do see these friends, it’s like no time has passed. The love is intact.

  4. At our 40th high school reunion, many women were still apprehensive over those horrible things that they had done to girls or the girls had done to them. At the actual reunion, these memories fortunately dissipated into the merriment of old, and I mean OLD friends gathering together to remember how absurd we all were. (But I DO remember it all!)

    • That’s so interesting and I value your perspective here very much! It’s funny how these things stick with us, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t grow and move on from them. We just remember.

  5. I don’t read as often as I used to but I think I would enjoy reading this book. I’ve lost a few friends along the way and I’m not sure if we just drifted apart by time or distance but it’s happened. I am grateful for social media sites like Facebook because I’m able to keep up with a few childhood friends that I don’t want to lose. And as Janine said, you’ve got a lot of friends here including me.

    • You have a friend in me too!
      The blogging friendships are very real and although I don’t get to meet all of you in person yet, I think that we have all grown very close by heart. That’s a new and powerful form of friendship that started when social media started.
      I used to think something was wrong with me because friends came and went, but now I realize that’s just the natural selection process of friendship and growth.

  6. This book rubbed me raw, but I’m glad it did. I’ve never had one best friend, and I often wished I did when I was younger. Gwen is the same way, and I have come to the realization that it’s okay.

    Hope things slow down a bit for you this week!

    • The problem with slowing down is that it’s half days all week for school! So I can’t get any work done! That’s okay. It’s Halloween week.
      It’s strange not to have a best friend because so many books and movies make you believe you need one. There are other ways.

  7. This sounds like an amazing book..if it is half as beautiful as your review of it. Friendships fascinate me. I am fortunate to have been blessed by some very strong ones that have stood the test of time. There have been a few casualties along the way which still break my heart. Would this be a good choice for my book club?

  8. The picture of the little you in front of the A Team van is awesome! Sadly, I have no pictures with cool vans like that πŸ™‚ I have heard about this book and it has been getting really good reviews. I have to admit I have no friends in real life, this isn’t something new. I think I have always been a bit of a loner, but with 7 siblings and all of the cousins, Aunts and Uncles I have never really felt alone.

  9. Friendships are such an interesting thing. I’ve been thinking about them a lot lately, especially as I watch my kids navigate their friends – old and new, shifting personalities, and learning social norms. I feel extremely grateful to have a best friend that I’ve known since I was 15 and a few other close friends from high school. There are a few friends that I have lost along the way that I still mourn, mostly because we drifted apart and grew apart which makes it feel unsettled. I’ve heard such great things about this book and want to read it even more now.

    • That’s so cool about your consistent best friend!
      I feel like there might be someone out there for me, but other times I think there are just too many variables. I’m in a permanent place right now and I’ve made some great friends, so it’s nice to know that none of us are moving. And plus the blogging friendships are incredible.

  10. Growing up I always thought friends were supposed to last forever, and finding out they didn’t, hurt. I know I play my role in this scenario. Just this weekend we were celebrating my mom’s birthday, and in her little speech she thanked her family and friends for sticking around so loyally. I couldn’t help but saying ‘you are doing a lot so it’s easy for us to hang on!’ And it’s true. She does the friendship work, and to her it isn’t even work but fun!

    • She sounds like my mom! My mom has a ton of lifelong friends and I’ve always looked up to her, because I know it takes work to keep so many friendships, but I believe it comes naturally to her. And by the way, great name!

  11. This sounds like a great book. It can be hard losing a friend, but sometimes people just need time to grow. I know I’ve reconnected with a friend from college. We are both married with kids so I think that helped us to reconnect since a lot of our friends from college were still single and without kids at the time.

    • The reconnection is very cool! Through Facebook, I have found friends I knew as a young child, and I now have even more in common with them. I think that’s cool.

  12. Sounds like a great read Tamara! I am adding this to my wish list. I’ve had a couple of “best friends” in the past who have broken my trust but I am happy to say that my best friend for over 10 years is still my best friend. We don’t get to see each other that much since she works out side Cebu but thank God for FB and text messaging!

  13. Wonderful review Tamara. I’ve had a few best friends who belong into the category of drifting away/dumping/dumped. It’s always been hard on me when that happened and as a result I don’t have many friends today. Friendships take time to grow and maintain, but if only one person does all the effort all the time, then it’s not really friendship is it?

  14. You’re always excused for reading a book instead of doing whatever. This was a great review. The thought of reading it pained be because I’ve had the experience. When the book was open for submissions I said I just can’t write about that because there was no closure and what if she did read it, what would her side of the story be. Anyway, your review had intrigued me so I’ll read about it too. Perhaps then I can write about my breakup(s).

    • I don’t remember when it was open for submissions, but I probably would’ve been tempted. However, as I teased about above, some of my situations that I may have written about have changed in the last few months! Always.

  15. I think that is great that the book was so compelling to read! That is the kind of book I like. Oh so true about the purpose of friends. I feel blessed for the friends I have! I like to think that those who came in and out of my life left a positive impression one way or another, but they are not missed. Thanks for the tip on this book, it sounds good!

    • I do like your attitude about it! positive impressions. I don’t really have a lot of situations as an adult that I am very sad about. I guess it’s frustrating that we can’t have the friendships we used to have when we lived closer, but that’s life. One day my kids will be older and it will be even easier to hang out with friends.

  16. That book did the exact same thing to me!!! I reflected on those friends that have come and gone and reasons as to why… my heart grew tender and raw at times as I relived some painful endings and realized there will always be some wounds that never fully healed.

    When you can reunite with a lost friend and find the treasure that you left behind, and then renew and restore it into something even more beautiful? THAT is a beautiful thing. I’ve had that too- and it’s amazing.

    • I’ve had that too, and it is amazing. So many things are misunderstandings. So many things grow into something else. I had a friend who had yet another friend who hated me because she thought her boyfriend liked me in high school. I would never have gone for a guy with a girlfriend and I was oblivious to all this, but my friend apologized years later for having any part in being rude about me! I was oblivious about it at the time but it’s nice that she had held onto that regret and then let it go.

  17. I cannot wait to read this book! I was just talking yesterday about a friendship “breakup” I had with someone I had been very close to for years. Sadly, she has lost a lot of friends, and every time I see a review of this book I think of her and another very close friend who went out of my life, I brought her back in, and then disappeared again just as I had Eve. I had been mourning over that second lost friendship for years until we reconnected, but after she stopped responding to me after I had Eve I realized I’m done mourning that friendship.

    • I’m glad you’re done. You deserve to be done. It’s so strange the way people aren’t there for us the way we need them to be, and it is very often not about us at all. So much pain and regret in this world. And yet, for all of the bitterness, so many sweet friendships survive and thrive.

  18. This is SO interesting, Tammy…and something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I think facebook and social media upsets the natural order of things too. Friendships that maybe should have faded away are brought back into light, whether they should have been or not. Also, different paths of life breed different friendships. I have so many regrets about certain things and wonder if other people do too. (My regrets are colored with something I really couldn’t control).

    And I definitely see girls in my daughters class that could be potentially “harmful” and, through living life and experiencing things, know a lot of it comes from nurture, and will now do my best to not feed into any of that.

    I’m not really being too articulate because I’m chasing the younger one around, but hopefully you get the point of what I’m trying to say!

    • I absolutely get what you’re trying to say loud and clear.
      And so interesting about social media upsetting the natural order and balance that was already in place. However, it can also be a good thing. I know I had friends in Roxbury as a very young child and we lost touch over the years. Now as adults, we have so much more in common than we ever would’ve known. It’s strange. It can be very hard to take Facebook seriously, but on the other hand, I get to see all of you raising families and building careers. That’s pretty cool too!
      I definitely have some regrets about how I acted as a kid. I definitely got better as an adult, and even the person I thought was my arch nemesis turned out to be a pretty good friend in the end. Too funny.

  19. I have to read this book! I’ve been thinking a lot lately about friendships…. and phases. I believe my lack of *personal* social media {Facebook} has hurt me, in regard to real life friendships. I’m a let’s chat over the phone and *really* talk kind of gal. Texting is cool, but it’s not the same… IMO
    xoxo

    • Definitely not the same. Remember when a phone call was what was expected on her birthday? Then it morphed to text. Now it’s a Facebook post that people don’t even always see!

      • Exactly! I don’t do personal FB, so if anyone messages me there…. I don’t see it until ages later. I get texts on my birthday now too…
        I’m glad I even get that, but I do miss interaction.
        XOXO

        • It’s also really hard to keep up with the personal Facebook on your birthday. It all kind of gets hidden into each other. I’m glad you mentioned that because I was wondering if you were on Facebook because I would’ve connected! Understandable that you don’t do it, though.

  20. I think a lot of us have been there. I have vivid memories of my childhood friend having a birthday party in our first year of junior high school… and her not inviting me. I wasn’t cool anymore. The hardest part was, she lived across the street from me, so it wasn’t like I could ignore it. Praise to my parents, who found out, and decided to take me out to do something totally fun (I don’t remember what…) so I wouldn’t have to watch it unfold. Life can be hard, and broken friendships are painful.

    • Praise not to her parents, who allowed that exclusion.
      That happened to me with a friend and we became enemies. The funny thing is that we are very good friends now.

  21. I’m both terrified and fascinated to read this. I’ve struggled with friendships and a lot of what you said resonated very deeply with me. Part of me is very scared to examine that on any deep level.

  22. Friendship has always been harder for me because I always felt caught in the extremes. The friend who wanted to monopolize you or the friend who wasn’t really a friend. I always preferred a few, loyal friends who you can just be you with. Blogging has brought me a lot more friends. So many people with common ground. It’s really been the best part of the journey. I feel like I can go anywhere in the US and find someone I “know.”

    • Oh that’s very interesting! Of all of the friends I’ve met through blogging, there’s a pretty high success rate in knowing we would probably be friends even if we hadn’t met through blogging. I guess the common causes and the like mindedness.

  23. I always felt like I couldn’t keep a friend, but as I’ve entered adulthood and talked with other women, I realized it’s common for girls to go through several best friends while in school and to drift away from friends in adulthood. I have one friend from 5th grade, who still calls me her “best friend”, but we rarely talk besides some Facebook comments here and there. And I’ve had several friendships end abruptly and harshly. Another experience that I thought was uniquely my own and because of some dysfunction of my own! This book sounds so good! Female friendships are so deep and complex.

    • I had one that ended pretty abruptly and she explained years later that it was due to her marriage and that she was happy to be back on track. I still think she’s the biggest train wreck I know, and I’m happy we didn’t patch things up!

  24. Friendship is a subject that resonates with me. I’ve been slowly moving my way through the essays in this book and I appreciate your review. I am on the heels of a friendship breakup that I don’t quite understand so reading this book has brought out emotions that I am still processing.

    • It must be interesting to read it when you’re still processing something. Although I guess a lot of these things take years to process. I don’t have any friendship breakups that are fresh.

  25. I submitted a story for this collection but it wasn’t chosen. I’m okay with that because just writing my story was cathartic. I may post it someday; who knows. My biggest problem is that my mom is still good friends with my “ex’s” mom. She sent me some pictures of them the other day. Part of me couldn’t even stand to look at them. To be honest, I just glanced and then deleted. 13 years later and it still hurts.

    • Oh, that is very tough! I think usually friendship break ups spread out to include the families too. I didn’t realize there were open submissions or I might’ve tried to write something for this.

  26. It really is amazing that some of us make out of adolescence indeed! Such a hard time when you’re not sure of yourself and criticizing yourself all the time. Nevertheless, it’s a struggle that makes us stronger. Hopefully it doesn’t break us in the meantime. I hope it doesn’t break my children.

  27. I have a feeling that this book would cause many many tears for me. I have told Chris more than once that apparently I suck at maintaining relationships – the fact that I don’t talk to my mom is probably sort of indicative of my issues.
    Lately I feel like I have really closed myself in and while I will do fun activities with friends I don’t feel the need to open up much these days.

  28. Such a touching story — and I guess painful too. When I was in grade school, there’s always an essay writing in class about our best friends and I remember we always “asked permission” from the other person if he/she could be our best friend like technically you could only have one. If that one was taken, you had to find someone else. That was silly! It was a very big deal for me before when the person I thought who was my best friend did not choose me. But I am very glad the friendships I have since high school and college are still alive until now despite the distance and the lifestyle. And to be honest, I have been more open minded with friendships now and really evaluate who my true friends are. I believe you do too. πŸ™‚

    • That’s so interesting about asking permission, and also so complicated. It seems like it would be very hard for me. I’d be afraid to be picked last, like for gym class!

  29. Wow what a topic!! I think I can personally write books and books on the topic but it would probably make things worse between myself and my other “exes”. I am totally going to download this book now. I think it’s hard to analyze a failed relationship from your point of view only.

  30. Sounds like a good book. Since we move every few years, I’ve lost a lot of friends. It’s sad, but it is what it is I guess. Some people are more interested in the people who are there with them then people who are in a different state.

  31. I haven’t read the book, but I need to. I have never really and a difficult friend break up, but I have had several friendships that simply faded away for one reason or another.

  32. Ugh, girl drama. I’ve always been one of those people with a small, but close group. Distance and different life positions have led to drifting away from a lot of my girlfriends. But like you said, when you do get together again with the true friends, it’s like nothing has changed. Thanks for reviewing this book…I’ve been curious about it since i heard about it a while back!

  33. I have really been meaning to read this book! I have a lot of thoughts on friendship and have written about it many times. Sometimes friendships expire and that’s ok..they had value and served a purpose. I need to read this book!

  34. I really want to read this. I have always had many “friends” growing up but now i realize I only really had like one or two and the friendship slowly dissolved. I’m not that great at keeping in touch. Family has always been more important to me, except for when I feel alone and realize there isn’t really a good friend to hang out with. Now my sister, she has had the same two best friends since Kindergarten and they are now in their 40’s. It’s truly amazing to me how they have kept their friendship going for so long!

  35. This book sounds amazing! I love this book already, and I haven’t even read it! The complexities of friendships is something I will never understand. I’ve cut ties with two close friends in the past three years. I grew tired of their drama, and negativity…I tend to stray from toxic people. I initially regretted it, until I remembered that I don’t have to feel anxious or annoyed by seeing their names pop up on my smartphone. No more feeling obligated to answer phone calls that take every ounce of energy from me, so that I can bare a conversation with someone who takes the joy from my day.

    • Trust me, I have so been there!
      I had a friend and I was literally annoyed by everything she said. And I wasn’t alone because that seems to be the general consensus of everyone who knows her. However, that doesn’t mean I need to tolerate that day after day.

  36. I’m totally amazoning this one, Tamara! I’m also intrigued by friendships and how they come in and our of our lives, and how difficult it can sometimes seem to make these real connections in post college years. It’s work, a lot of work. And unfortunately friendships don’t get the same priority status as family, significant others, work, hobbies…so yeah. Totally fascinating topic.

    • Absolutely fascinating and I’d love to hear your take on this book!
      And that’s the thing, about work. I really believe it’s why there is a high divorce rate at least partly. Sometimes it’s easier to run away than to do hard work.

  37. I cannot wait for this book to arrive at my doorstep from Amazon. I’m hoping it can help me find a little closure on my very painful break up with my best friend.

    • It was funny how it did rip me apart a bit, but it also healed because I realized that I’m not the only person in the world who has lost a friend. Rather, most of us have.

  38. My very closest friend I have known since 7th grade. We don’t live close, and we don’t have a ton of stuff in common at this point, but she’s like the sister I never had. I roomed with her in college too. My other college roommate is the same way. I could go months without talking to her and it would be like no time had even gone by. I do need to read this book though. I have three friends here who I was very close to at one point, and had falling outs with. Unrepairable falling outs. I’m not bitter, and I can be friendly when I see them, but nothing could ever be the same at this point…what happened was just too painful for me.

  39. It’s so hard for me to read about friendships. It’s something that I’ve always thought I was just bad at. And it doesn’t help that most people I know retain friendships so well. I guess the good thing about reading a book like this is I can see that I’m not alone and even if some of the break ups were my fault, not all of them were. I feel like I’m like the only person who doesn’t really care to stay in touch with people from the past. Maybe I am strange in a lot of ways…

  40. What a beautiful, beautiful review. Honestly, I’m still making my way through the book, savoring it. Each story is heart wrenching in its own way, so raw and powerful. One of the woman I wrote about in my chapter recently shut me out for the second time, and I questioned many of my own friendships, too. It’s so hard to go through it.
    Thank you so much. xo

  41. It’s true some friendships can outlast childhood, adolescence, and beyond – I have 2 that have actually lasted beyond childhood; and a few beyond adolescence.. I consider myself pretty lucky just with those. We never know what the future hold but we should always remember that our closest friends fit in the palm of our hand – we generally don’t have more than 4-5 really close intimate friends in our circle. I think any more is highly difficult to manage and becomes more of acquaintances than anything else. I know you posted something else for today so let me get on that when people STOP BEING ANNOYING! <3 -Iva

    • Oh that’s interesting! I have moved a few times and it’s always top of the list of things I want to be able to do in my new place. Good luck in the new city!

  42. I’m always amazed at people who have the very same friends into their 30s and 40s – that they had as children. Like, how do meet in Kindergarden and still be friends at 45? I moved from my birth town when I was 10, so that was pretty much impossible for me. Then I moved again right before high school. Then when I went to university in a different city, and lost touch with most of those new friends. But I had only really knew them for 4-5 years anyway. And that was the rough mean girls years. Then I had my university friends, but they were from all over the world – so, again. move. repeat. start again. But you’re right – I still feel the loss of all them some days. I realized that my trajectory is more really intense short term relationships. None of them ever ended on a bad note per say, and I feel like if I ran into them, we could just sit down and talk like no time had passed.
    But I do think it is a pretty cool thing to have had the same BFF your entire life. But then again, my husband now has been the longest BFF I ever had – and perhaps; that’s how it should be anyway.

    • Maybe that’s right! I can’t say the same in my case, but I don’t always know that we are a perfect match. Doubtful.

      I moved a lot too! Unfortunately it can be pretty hard when geography changes.

  43. I am not sure I’ve ever had a best friend. I was part of a trio of great friends in junior high. That’s it.

    I see my girls drift in and out of friendships, and some exits feel sharp from here. It hurts to see, but I know it’s what they must experience on their own. When the get older, they don’t always come to my shoulder. They go on their own, but I wonder if they know they could? If they needed to. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it.

    I’m kind of glad you had this book to rip through during such a busy time. Because even when all the plates are in the air, we need a little something to mesmerize us. Or at least part of us.

  44. I love your review of this book and your admission of playing both sides of the mean girl fence. Do our children really have to experience pain? Ugh. Sad. And Psh- that chick was cool with the drifting? Fuck her! LOL

    • I know! She liked drifting. I told her that would be fine. That was probably the last conversation we ever had, although we are Facebook friends, and I’m sure I would be happy to see her in person.

  45. this post reminded me about something a good friend of mine said. she has kids in elementary school, whereas i’m just starting with a family now. i told her that a lot of my friends are now starting families just like me (i.e., we have babies within a few weeks/months of each other). i went on about how great this was because we would all get to hang out together and raise our kids together. she shook her head and said that as much as we’d want it to be that way it just doesn’t happen. she says that you end up hanging out with your children’s friends and the parents of who they go to school with. so those parents then become your friends and you start to drift away from the people you really want to hang out with. that made me so sad!

    • That is sad, and it somewhat happens, but it doesn’t have to happen. When I first had Scarlet, I lived in a brand-new place. So I met all my friends through having her at my baby group or other types of situations like that. And it does go through waves. You get friends from having a baby, then preschool, then elementary school, and more. However, a lot of the ones stick around forever. and I’m totally still friends with my friends from before living here. We just can’t see each other a lot because they are far away.

Leave a Reply