Currently, Maybe: Festive Edition

Boy, it feels like it’s been awhile since it’s been ME. It’s like Where’s Waldo, with lots of other “Waldos” who are almost me.

festive

Speaking of “Where’s Waldo,” can you find her here:

festive

Obviously it’s always been me, in all sorts of posts, but I feel like I’m waking up after a four month hibernation. I really don’t recommend working that much, without weekends, and without coming up for air. When you don’t take care of yourself first, you tend to bottle that stress and you wind up yelling at the black ice in the streets, the van doors, a water bottle, and anything but your kids. Instead, they watch amused. I’ve been hitting high notes and low notes – some are right on the mark..

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..and sometimes it’s a discordant mess.

Before I go further, these are all photos from October 2015 – our Maine trip to see moose. I shared most of the photos from that trip, taken by Scarlet and by me, but these are all stragglers. They are probably a discordant mess – but I assure you they were all taken within the same day or two. All ones of me are when I first woke up! I’m wearing a sweater, yes, but I wore that sweater to bed, so there you go. Why am I telling you that? I’m sharing reflection photos of me when I had just woken up – so it’s almost like the opposite of my face. The mirror image, bedhead version of me. They’re all just lots of “Waldos” who are almost me. I think I’m going to ride the coattails of the Where’s Waldo metaphor a bit. Almost Scarlet & Almost Me:

Are you as tired as I am right now? And I’m talking December, 2016 now and not October, 2015. I don’t know if it’s the bitter cold of the week, the days before the solstice which had the earliest sunsets of the year, or the Christmas craze. Three times in my entire life, the Christmas spirit didn’t grab me, hug me warmly around the throat, kiss me fully on the mouth, and make me smile for days. This is the third time it didn’t. Usually that scenario happens. I don’t know why I can’t feel what I want to feel sometimes. I don’t know why I can’t feel.. in general. It’s not that I can’t, so much as that there are so many feels at once, conflicting, head butting each other, overlapping, not quite meeting in the middle. I feel so much I can’t pinpoint it.

There are so many almost feelings walking all over each other. It’s like.. it’s like Where’s Waldo!

So what to do? I have two days to get that feeling. I can meditate, take a lavender bath, go for a winter hike, breathe deeply into my abdomen, drive to see Christmas lights, listen to “O Holy Night” & “Carol of the Bells” on repeat. I can sit with my feelings, or lack thereof, and circle them around into safe spaces and safe places. I can whisper, “It’s ok to come out now!” until they’re pouring out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I can wrap presents in festive pants. I can turn this post into a “Currently” post, just like that, because how else can you know how you feel until you hear the questions they’re asking.

Currently, I’m..

Reading: Oooh, oooh! I have an answer to this! Pick me, pick me! I had three books from the library: “Falling” by Jane Green. “Truly Madly Guilty” by Liane Moriarty. “The Woman in Cabin 10” by Ruth Ware. I put them all on hold months ago, not expecting to get all three at once. This was during my crazy work period. I started “Falling”, peeked ahead to the end, and realized I didn’t want that story in my life. I was billed full price for the other two because I didn’t return them to the library for months. Finally I did, and only had to pay a minimal late fee. THEN, I realized I wanted the other two back, so I checked them out again. This time, I’ll read them! I started with “The Woman in Cabin 10” because it’s due back earlier.

Planning: Our annual Florida trip, which will be so different this year. Less time in Florida, and more jam-packed. Whatever. I can’t wait to feel warm sun again. I’m also planning eventual world takeover, my 2017 editorial calendar, and gift wrapping.

Stressing: Who even knows anymore? I was so busy working 24/7 for four months, without weekends, dreaming about free time. Now I have it, and it’s well worth it, but I’m panicking that I’ll never be busy again? Even though this is the deadest week or two of the year, and I’m still getting work. I’m cuckoo? I also went overboard with Christmas and I said I wouldn’t, and all I want to do is hand deliver all those presents. A day or two of wrapping, a four hour drive, and the longest sleep night of the year are standing between it! Can I get an Amen if you still get too excited to sleep on Christmas Eve?

Wishing: That all YOUR wishes come true. If you get that movie reference, preferably without Google, I PROMISE you I will send you some sort of reward of your choosing. Leggings, chocolates, eternal respect, hugs around the neck.

Feeling: Like I don’t know what I’m feeling and I get it in spurts and grand unbottlings. (made up that word) It’s like those “flip the bottle” videos on YouTube. That’s my bottle of feelings. Will it burst? Build pressure? Slowly leak?

Listening: The fire going off and then on again. Adele’s “Water Under the Bridge.” And this freakin’ gem of a song – the only country song (I think) I truly, truly love. I know nothing else he sings, but this.. this.. live and on fire and making me FEEL:

Thinking: Has anyone noticed that I flipped the part in my hair to the left, after 36 years of having it on the right? How many leggings do I have? How can I be a better person? Am I Atheist? No. What the heck am I? Why is my brain so weird? Why is my hair so shiny today? Should I have popcorn or ice cream? Why is he so far away? Why is everyone louder than I am? I want a dog and a baby. What am I doing with my life? What am I doing with myself? What am I doing to myself? What am I DOING?

Loving: This is the only one I had to come back to do. Twice. Ok, three times. I can’t stop thinking about boots and leggings, Adele’s new song, all the chocolate in the world, new friends, old love, new love, the way it all flows like so.

Wearing: One of my mothers-in-law gave me a moose sweater!

Hoping: For peace, please.

And that I’ll catch up on photos one day.

Oh, and that I’ll go back here:

For a brave 2017:

For more music:

And moments like this:

And this and this and this:

Maybe, this:

..but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

About Tamara

Tamara is a professional photographer at http://tamaracamera.com/, a mama of two, a writer/blogger at http://tamaracamerablog.com and a nearly professional cookie taster. She has been known to be all four of those things at all hours of the day and night. She is a very proud contributor to the book, The Mother Of All Meltdowns. http://themotherofallmeltdowns.com, as well as Stigma Fighters Anthology (volume 1), and The HerStories Project: So Glad They Told Me. She is also a proud Community Lead/QA Reader with Sway, and a regular contributor to the SoFab Food blog, and the Target Made Me Do It blog. After two cross country moves, due to her intense Bi-Coastal Disorder, she lives with her husband, daughter, son, dog, cat, and 11 chickens in glorious western Massachusetts.

Comments

Currently, Maybe: Festive Edition — 42 Comments

  1. Loved your holiday Currently edition and god bless you as right now I am too tired to barely move let alone write an entire post tonight. But still my hat is off to you for this more. Oh and I read 2 of the 3 you mentioned and the 2 I read were definitely worthwhile reading. So think you wont be disappointed in the least. Happy Holidays you you and your family now <3

  2. OH Mike will be so proud of your country love! Gulp, I saw that guy live when we were dating…..Now I don’t need to impress him, or well I can’t get out of the house, that’s it!
    I actually feel very very into xmas this year! I think that’s because I’ve been listening to the holiday channel on TV for a MONTH hahah
    It’s going to be such an INSANELY amazing holiday you will feel a lot ALL DAY.
    Love the photos! see you soon! Can I sleep in your room in bed with you like the olden days?

    • haha! You and Blake Shelton! I can’t see it. That’s the ONLY song I know of his, but I imagine they’re not all like that. That one is GOOD, though, right?? It cuts me deep.
      Please come sleep in my bed! It’s cold.

  3. That moose sweater is the coolest thing I’ve seen all week. I know what you feel about wondering where that holiday feeling has gone? I had it last year, but Christmas was too close too my father’s death. This year is better – having Thomas home has made me feel lighter and jollier :)! I hope you have the most wonderful Christmas with your beautiful family!

  4. I honestly don’t know how you flipped your part. That would feel incredibly weird to me! Love the photos of the flying children — looks like so much fun. I wish you a deep Christmas joy.. that it pops up and overwhelms you without any effort of your own. And I hope you will get a savage tan for me while you are in Florida because I am starting to look pretty pale:(

    • I don’t really get it. It’s always been in the middle or to the right. Somehow I flipped it to the left and felt much more glamorous. So far, I’ve left it there! I’m growing it all quite long.
      Thank you for the Christmas joy wishes. I felt those deep wishes!

  5. My feelings are so almost that it confuses the hell out of me. Right now, I don’t know which direction anything is pointing. My feelings and mind are a broken compass that just keeps spinning.

    Love the moose sweater, by the way!

  6. I feel like you and I sat down and talked and you wrote exactly how I’ve been feeling in a post! This time of year…it always gets me, either crazy excited Christmas spirit or this weird mixed up feeling of having been going too fast for too long. I’m hoping to chill today, bake some cookies, watch some White Christmas and get that excitement brewing… Merry Christmas!!

  7. Hmm, I’m not feeling very Christmassy this year either. Not sure why. I’m happy and healthy, and lots of good stuff. I’m grateful and worthy and not at all rough.

    I was supposed to get my plane from the shop today, but Christmas Fedex was slow in delivering parts so not till Monday πŸ™ Disappointment is tough, lol

    Fake it till you make it…or not Merry Christmas, Tamara!

  8. Loving all your photos and yes, it has been SO busy with the holidays nearly here. I am totally chilling today and hope to just enjoy the season. I too have been working on my 2017 editorial calendar, between shopping and wrapping. We start our big celebrations tomorrow. I hope you have a wonderful holiday Tamara & I wish you and your family the best!

    • I’m still working on it, I find! I guess my real new year starts now – after Florida. I was sort of preparing for that for the first two weeks of the year. WORTH IT.

    • Honestly, I forget in between. I start to think I’m a no-talent hack all the time, so these words are gold. I think about them when I worry I’ve lost my touch.

  9. Let me know how you like Truly Madly Guilty–I have it here on my desk and it is taunting me. I need to just shut everything down pick it up and READ. Maybe when the kids go to bed…oh wait…I have to wrap the presents … ugh maybe next week! Either way I’m inspired to read πŸ™‚

    • I liked it! It certainly got my attention and I’m at that point in life in which I will stop reading a book if it’s not working out. Who has time for that??

  10. Oh T, that was such a beautiful and inspiring and deeply touching read. I LOVE that you have had so much work and that you are SO SUCCESSFUL in what you do- using your incredible talent and pouring it out everywhere! I’m with you on those feelings being stunted, silent, wanting to come- but so very stagnated. I have this TERRIBLE cold, and I think it’s freezing up my insides while I function through everything…

    So many beautiful and poetic words you used here, my favorite: “I can sit with my feelings, or lack thereof, and circle them around into safe spaces and safe places. I can whisper, β€œIt’s ok to come out now!” until they’re pouring out of my eyes and down my cheeks.” <— Oh how I LOVE this. I will be waiting for mine to pour out of my eyes and down my cheeks too.

    I wish you peace, love, and true fulfillment during these crazy, busy, wondrous moments of the season and here's to GOOD THINGS WE EMBRACE in the coming year!

    • Hello, my dear! Another gem comment from you nearly a month ago. I hope your terrible cold went away. The lingering ones are the worst.
      And I’m wishing you a new year of all the GOOD THINGS WE EMBRACE!

  11. Happy every holiday to you, Tamara (I just read your most recent post, so I’m commenting here for both). May your 2017 be full of leggings, moose, popcorn, chocolate, and all the people you love.

  12. That moose sweater is fantastic! I am so tired. Good riddance to 2016 I say! Although I did hear that some Saint’s blood didn’t liquefy at the Vatican this week, so that means 2017 may bring the apocalypse….. πŸ™‚ Who knows!

    Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and all good things to you my friend!

  13. The moose sweater is awesome! I’ve been struggling getting into the holiday season as well, and I think it has a lot to do with this being such a stressful year. It’s hard to turn the happy feelings on with the flip of a calendar. At least there are Hallmark Christmas movies!

  14. That moose sweater! How lovely! Hmmm I’m currently here in my hometown to celebrate Christmas, but without my husband. This reminds me that Christmas around here is so different now from when we were kids. I don’t go out of the house anymore on Christmas Eve. Lol. Anyway, enjoy the holidays! πŸ™‚

    • Aw, I hope it wasn’t too sad without your husband. I’ve spent some Christmas holidays with my family, but not Cassidy, especially in the beginning. Christmas certainly changes!

  15. Love your holiday currently thoughts. I have the The Woman in Cabin 10 on my shelf, but haven’t had a chance to read it. I vow to make time for more reading in 2017. I love that you are already thinking about your editorial calendar – I need to do the same. Happy Holidays, Tamara. xo

  16. I got so many books to read!! I think I will take a break from all TV and well… like LIFE and get caught up on some reading. I find when I start to get stuck with Writing, it’s because I need to become a reader again. Does that make sense? I need muses. I need to be stirred — maybe even shaken. But right now, I’m rather coasting, and that’s okay too. For now. But, I do have a new pair of leggings on the way so there’s that. πŸ™‚

  17. It was hard for me to get the spirit this year, too. Don’t know why. You are the third person who did not speak highly of Falling, I’m going to skip it. The Moriarty book is good, but not her best. Sorry for the late reply…I’m catching up!

    • I couldn’t get through it! Then I read ahead and HATED the ending. Oh well! I’d be curious to see what Moriarty’s best is! I read this and “What Alice Forgot” and “The Husband’s Secret.”

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