Laughter to Tears: 30 Incredibly Funny (and Just Plain Incredible) Kid Quotes

This is me linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week's topic is

I think that inevitably, I’m going to break a lot of rules today.

You know how I am with Finish the Sentence Friday. I LOVE it and honor it and respect it and share it, but do I stick to one photo for Photo Share Friday? No. Do I ever write for only five minutes for five minute free writing posts? No. Well, sorta. I take more time to compile and fuss over SEO or lack thereof, and then I legitimately do write for five minutes. I just choose where to write that five minutes. Right now I’m choosing it right here. Then I’m going to go rogue and share the quotes that took longer than five minutes to compile. I’m ok with that. My kids induce the laughter. Today, this was my Facebook status:

“I am going to give him partial credit for using charming excuses for making sure I didn’t fly off the handle:

Des: “Mama, you won’t believe this, but something magical happened. A ghost inside of me used too much toilet paper and broke the toilet. Also, I need the plunger but we used it for the Dalek’s arms.. so.. the ghost says sorry.” HILARIOUS.

Darnit, Dalek!

People often tell me I should write a coffee table book on the funny things my kids say. They only get funnier, to be honest. Especially with all of the recent politics and my kids’ impressions of all of the politicians who have run or won within the last several years. They get this stuff all on their own! I don’t even need to give my opinions. Now the third rule I am sort of breaking is that this post is full of bathroom talk. I’m so sick of bathroom talk. I can’t help it, though. My kids are HILARIOUS and creative and witty and wise. Some of these are the lowest of the low, but hey, I hope to get a laugh out of you. Ok, my five minutes of free writing are up! It was an introduction to some of my favorite quotes over the years that I wrote down.

1 – Des: “I farted.”
Me: (ignoring Des) “There’s a little bit more macaroni if anyone wants it.”
Des: “There’s a little bit more farts if anyone wants it.”

2 – Just the other day, Scarlet said the word “stupid” in front of her grandmother. As we tell her often, her grandmother told her that “stupid” is a bad, bad word. And Scarlet said, “Oh yeah? Well once we were driving and Mama whispered, ‘You stupid **** at another car!”

3 – So Des is concerned that I don’t do the laundry in a timely manner. And I mean.. I DON’T.. but it’s all about getting his Iron Man pajamas back. So after three days of asking me, I finally made a move and took the laundry basket downstairs. It was a hopeful move. And he saw me that morning and said, “Mama.. thanks for like.. trying to do laundry.”

Also, last week he told me he was on “Team Vagina.” I want to know what that means, but I also don’t.

4 – Then there was the time Scarlet suggested a fun fall activity for the family! “Can we go apple picking? Can we go tiara picking? Can we go dingleberry picking?” I FULLY blame my sister for the introduction of that word.

5 – Des: “I don’t want to marry ANYONE. All that dancing around. I don’t want to.”
Me: “Ok.. you don’t have to.”
Des: “I want to be like Dada. HE never married anyone!”
Me: “umm.. Des? He married ME!”
Des: “See? He took my first choice!”

6 – Sometimes the influence comes from older kids – cousins, friends and neighbors. One day, when Scarlet was about two-years-old, I was reading to her from Dr. Seuss: “Big A, little a, what beings with A?” Scarlet was very quiet for a second and then said, “ANUS!!” Cue stifled hysterical laughter and stunned disbelief. I mean..she was…correct, wasn’t she?

7 – Me: Des!”
Des: “What?”
Me: “I love you!”
Des: “WHAT?”
Des: “Oh. Thanks.”

8 – Scarlet used to describe certain cheeses as “a nice cheddar” or “a beautiful cheddar.” And would you know that there were differences between the two? I think a nice cheddar meant it was grated into a bowl. A beautiful cheddar may have been cut into pieces.

9 – Des, who clearly understands something out of everything, or everything out of something:
“Can you play “Break it Down Again”?”
Me: “Score! Yes.”
Des: “How long was that song?”
Me: “I don’t know. About four minutes. Most songs are four or five minutes.”
Des: “But Grateful Dead songs are 100 minutes long.”

10 – One night we were driving home pretty late and we thought Scarlet was asleep, but she piped up with, “Can you change this song? I want something more..trippy!” So, Pink Floyd it was.

11 – This is what it’s like to wake up to Des:

“Mama, when was the first day of real life?”
“Mama, when I grow up, my penis will be as big as a man’s penis.”
“Mama, I don’t want to go to Hogwarts because a Hufflepuff died there.”
“Mama, I don’t want to celebrate ALL Presidents on President’s Day. Can we skip that holiday? No Lucky Charms that day. Just bad cereal.”

Bad cereal, everyone.

12 – Cassidy once asked Scarlet if she had to go to the bathroom, and she shouted out, “No! I have to fart!” In a quiet art gallery.

13 – Des: “I’m sorry.”
Me: “You’re sorry?”
Des: “No. I said I sharted!”

14 – A tall handsome man walked by us at Starbucks. Scarlet turned on the charm and gave him a killer smile and wave. He went into the bathroom. She yelled loudly to all of the store, “That man is pooping in the potty!”

15 – Des and I had about two hours to kill so he asked me to take him to the mall for hotdog pretzel bites. We wandered around and passed Victoria’s Secret and he yelled at the top of his lungs: “It’s the underwear store! Don’t you need underwear? You need a bra. You have a little and can get one more.” Then he ran into the store, in all his cute glory, and shouted that he likes the blue bras and I should get a blue bra. And then said “I wish Nana was here.”

16 – One day her friend came over and asked her why she was only wearing a towel in the living room. She smiled sadly and said, “I just peed myself, Rhys.”

17 – I have to share this Des story, partly because he’s a smooth operator, and mostly for my own memories and records. I was in tears once, just overwhelmed by an onslaught of work and fears, exhaustion, and missing my NJ family a lot. Des told me to pick him up and then he said, “We love you.” And then he said, “All of us.” If I could eat him, I would.

18 – During Des’ first week of life, Scarlet did a weird dance in front of his carseat and then said, “I’m Scarlet Bella Bowman. I’m your weird sister!”

19 – So we got Des a Captain America nerf shield blaster thing and he’s under strict orders not to shoot people, especially his little cousins. So all day he said he’d only shoot “Nosies.” Finally I figured out he meant “Nazis.” Always shoot Nazis. This is what happens when your dad loves Indiana Jones movies.

20 – Scarlet, also during Des’ first week of life:

“Des is trying to nurse on me and my nipples don’t work for him.”

“Mama, remember when Desmond’s umbilical cord fell off and you were so happy? I think his penis fell off too.”

“Did his “pagina” fall off? He has squishy balls!”

“Mama, you have a beautiful smile. Dada, can you buy milk to put into your nipples to feed Baby Desmond?”

21 – Des, who maybe knows I’ve been unreasonably (and unseasonably) down and hard on myself for the past week or so:


22 – Scarlet used to call ankles “foot wrists” and thought we were dumb for not knowing that. One day she started talking about “booty dots.” We asked her what that meant and she looked at us like we were slow and said, “Booty dot! It’s the hole in your butt!” (makes perfect sense to me)

23 – Me to Des: “I. Love. Your. Face.”
Des to Me: “I. Love. Your. Butt.”

Me to Des: “You have a beautiful face.”
Des to Me: “YOU have a beautiful face, Fartbutt.”

24 – Scarlet used to call the crusts of a sandwich “crotch.” I thought it was so funny not to tell her the truth, until she was at a friend’s house getting a sandwich and she said to her friend’s mom, “Can you cut my crotch off?” (still haven’t lived that one down)

25 – After three days of potty training:

Des: “I want a new wenis. A nighttime wenis!”

26 – Scarlet asked her best friend what would happen if there was a President who wouldn’t let them get married. When I interrupted to say they’d always be protected in MA, she said, “Oh good. We can live in your old house.”

27 – This is why I shouldn’t have kids. At preschool pickup:

Me: (makes fart joke)
Des: looks around in shock “Mama! No bathroom words at school!”

We leave the preschool.
Des: “PENIS.”

28 – Them: “What’s in your salad?”
Me: “Kale!”
Them: “I love kale!”
Me: “Have some!”
Des: “Well I only like Miriam’s kale.”
Scarlet: “Well I only like fresh picked kale.”

29 – Des, walking by me in a plastic fireman hat (backwards), and muttering under his breath: “Is it stop, drop & roll, or stop, drop & fart?”

30 – I sincerely hope that Scarlet joins the debate team or runs for politics one day. Des said something untrue just to rile her up and she smiled calmly, put on her sweetest voice, and said: “Oh, Des. You are SO cute and SO incredibly wrong. So sorry. Next?”

And just for two bonus ones, and since I don’t want to change my blog post title from 30 to 32, I’ll call them bonus ones:

*The kids had been bickering (since 3pm) and I heard Des say to Scarlet, “I fart in your general direction.” So I’m glad my parenting dreams and/or inevitabilities have come true.

*If you need a laugh, because who doesn’t on a Monday, Des once used the bathroom and then yelled out, “I’ve seen that poop before. It’s a good one.”

This is me linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s topic is “Laughter..” (5 minute free writing) And there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin: HERE.

What would you say?

10 Ways to Thrive During the Slow Blogging Season

We all go through the slow seasons of blogging and social media influence. And it can be rough, especially if it's your first slow season. Find out how to make the best of it - and maybe, just maybe - it won't be slow for you after all. Rock on! #blogging #community #bloggingcommunity #passion

We’re going a little deep today, with something that hits me hard every year.

And no one told me or asked me to write this. In fact, it’s been brewing in my Notes app for a full YEAR! Then blogging got busy again and I thought it might not be the best time to write it. There is no time like the present, though. March is the thick of it! It’s actually been only three years since I started working as a blogger, and then as an influencer, since I love Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest a LOT. When I published my first sponsored post, my readers were like, “Well. Yeah.” It was a long time coming. It was sporadic at first, so the whole year was my slow season. But, oh what FUN it is!

slow blogging season

I couldn’t tell the difference at first, with fast or slow, and then I picked up in momentum, ambition, work, and passion. That first slow season (first quarter of 2016) was rough. I even talked about it with my therapist and then got into my car after that session and checked my email – only to find a brand new sponsored post acceptance. When those email subjects start with, “Congratulations”, (and aren’t spam) after all this time I STILL get butterflies in my stomach. I broke my own self-administered therapist/client rule and texted her with, “I got a blogging job five seconds after walking out of your office!” She wrote back, “Of course you did!” That was way TMI, but it’s my way of telling you that this affects me deeply.

slow blogging season

I’m prone to catastrophizing. Last year was my second slow season and it was particularly bad – so much that I was almost daily texting my friends in the know and asking if it was normal. Even they admit that while slow blogging seasons are normal, 2017 was particularly bad. We didn’t know why. Then it picked up, and picked up wonderfully. It had changed me, though. I made use of that time in early 2017 to work harder than I ever have. Maybe you love your job or you have found a way to make passive or active income that REALLY does it for you. It rocks your world. If you are like me, and prone to catastrophizing (which I hope you’re not), sometimes holding gold in your hands is too much pressure. You’re always afraid you will drop it or break it or tarnish it or get even one spot on it. That’s how I am. It’s fear of the unknown as well.

I didn’t expect the slow season to be March. Now I realize that the end of the year is so busy, that the quarter four hires/jobs carry over into the new year. And you expect January to be slow. In fact, we always go to Disney World in January. During February we are juggling snow days and Valentine’s Day. March is a long month, and a month of transition in so many ways. It’s viruses still coming and going with a vengeance now that the season is winding down. It’s winter into spring and dark into light. And, it’s when you really notice if the blogging season hasn’t picked up yet, but you expect it to be there by now. Even if you know that it’s like this every March. It’s rough for me. I thought I’d write this in January.

Then, the next season always gets so busy that I get amnesia about the slow seasons.

January wasn’t slow and February did what February does. (not sure what, but I think it involves heart-shaped sandwiches) So now I’m here to tell you that in the last year or so, I have learned about the slow season. Here are my 10 ways to deal:

10 Ways to Thrive During the Slow Blogging Season

1 – First, enjoy it. Yes, really. I’m mostly writing this to myself. I have two jobs, and sometimes three. My photography business also has a slow season, but it’s a different one, and I’ve been doing that for far longer than I’ve been blogging. As for a third job, I sometimes do freelance contract work with editing and data entry. Sometimes it’s a lot of work, and mostly it isn’t. When it hits, it really hits. I have to remind myself that during the slow season, I should be thankful for this.

At the end of 2017, I couldn’t say yes to any kind of social engagement and would even get annoyed if someone innocently asked me to lunch. I’d be constantly checking my phone and thinking I was missing something. I didn’t take ONE weekend off from September until maybe January or February. Not even a weekDAY. Now that it’s slow season? I make special goals for myself. I still work hard, but I carve in time to do things like go through the mountains and into a tiny village about 12 minutes from my house that has the most exquisite broccoli cheddar soup. And I go on cool road trips as often as I want.

I know things will get busy again, but I need to retain this ability to have and enjoy free time, even if that means cutting out some work. Although I never say no to photography or blogging unless it’s a terrible fit and we all know it. Yesterday was a snow day and instead of stressing about work, I walked the half-mile and back to the mailbox, and I ran around the yard with my arms spread out like an airplane. The kids will remember this. They will never remember me hunched over a computer.

2 – Update your profiles with all marketing and influencer agencies. I was surprised recently to discover that I hadn’t done that in years with one agency. No wonder they weren’t hiring me! I had grown a lot since then. It’s a good time to update bios and photos, especially if things have changed, and to make sure all social media accounts are connected. Be fresh!

3 – Work on pitching brands directly. Do you feel ready? I sort of feel ready. This is a big one and I’ve only done it twice, and both this week! There are pitching groups to join on Facebook, as well as plenty of articles and blog posts and samples of pitch templates. It’s a vast world and I wasn’t sure I was ready for it, but I finally feel like this is my next big move.

4 – Create daily, weekly, and monthly goals. My friend Charlotte does this well. It could be as simple as writing out a post-it each day saying you will pitch one brand, apply to one agency job, etc. Maybe you are looking for 50K unique page views a month, or 10K a week. The sky is the limit but when you write down those goals, and maybe even publish it, you’re holding yourself accountable. Join groups with other motivated bloggers. Success begets success. Tis a beautiful thing.

5 – Identify your weakest spots and amp them up. Whether that’s photography, recipes, crafts, writing, tech stuff, don’t write off or hire out what you may be able to excel at. Interview a mentor. Read an e-book. Join an online challenge. Ask for help. I’m still working on things I discovered I was terrible at back at 2016! I think (hope) I’m less terrible at them now.

On a related note, explore other sources of income that are not a far cry from this one. Like affiliate links, ads, or e-books.

Gain that confidence! You can own this.

6 – Take a class. I once took a class on Twitter and Facebook. Then another on Instagram and Pinterest. There’s a class for everything and whether you’re looking for personal experience, or professional, it’s still worth blogging about!

7 – Sign up for a blogging conference. This is about as networky as networking can be. And it’s fun! Even before the actual conference, you’ll join Facebook groups and “meet” fellow conference mates. This is a life-changing move each time.

8 – Follow up with potential and current clients. If you’re like me, you have a starred or labeled folder in your inbox full of potential clients. Maybe you were too busy to respond at the time, but kept their email for a reason. Maybe they can offer more than you’ve ever imagined. You have to ask for what you want. You have to start and maintain these connections.

9 – Time to declutter. Declutter it ALL. It’s not the best way to spend a workday(s), but in the end, it will work wonders. I have photos unedited, emails unanswered, blog comments un-replied, and physical clutter too! Time to declutter it all!

10 – Keep morale up and be hopeful. With everything, there is a season. It comes back around. After nearly three years, I’m still not used to the fluctuations, and often they make me sad. I have to think of them as opportunities for downtime, and opportunities for growth. There is no sustainable way to make money and stay healthy emotionally if you’re working 365 days a year. Enjoy a little downtime, and then GET BUSY. We have work to do! And I love to do it with all of you!

Keeping write stuff that’s truly YOU! If you write from the heart, everything else will follow.

Do you have a tip for slow blogging season? Does your career have slow seasons?