Every day we break more ground. When I read the posts I wrote when we were about to move here, or after we did, it was like a whole different wonderland. Unfamiliar and achy. Ever-shifting and full of first trimester exhaustion and nausea. I can’t even find that place anymore. The atmosphere has shifted and come around to me – it’s grown around me, and I around it. Tonight, Cassidy returns from a week in Belize. I fell more in love with our neighborhood while he was gone. We all have our things. He gardens and I write. He builds costumes and I take pictures. I work at home and I’m always there for the kids. He goes to the town dump and takes care of the chickens. We meet, oddly, in the middle(ish) and it works(ish).
Sometimes I’m screaming inside, and outside. I just want peace and sleep and silence. And other times I want to be nowhere but in the middle of my family, in the middle of the woods. That is our neighborhood. It’s trees and peepers. Loud woodpeckers, occasional bears, and super loud chickens. A few nearby humans, willing to lend a hand. It’s pretty much perfect. When you’re an introverted extrovert or extroverted introvert, this oasis in the middle of a tiny but bustling city?
“Did you ever leave someone, not because you fell out of love with them or they did anything wrong, but because someone different and irresistible showed up? I have experienced this a couple of times in my petty youth. It’s always a little weird.
– Since you never fell out of love, or at least you didn’t instantly, it comes back to haunt you sometimes. You may find yourself driving past their house or hearing a familiar song and feeling pangs of sadness. Every so often, you’ll think of them and the good times and you’ll wince. You’ll feel pain at strange times.
– When holidays or birthdays come around, at least for a full year, you’ll think about that last holiday or birthday with them.
– Sometimes you still have to get used to your newer lover; your newer model. There will be traits to adjust to that you didn’t have in your previous lover. There will be upgrades in some departments and downgrades in others. In some ways, it won’t feel like “home” the way your old relationship did. At least not at first.
Now think about everything I just said, and substitute two homes in place of two lovers. That’s how I feel lately. I have to pass our old place constantly since it was a darn convenient location. I find myself slowing down the car and looking longingly at the windows. Sometimes I think, “Well, hey. If I lived here I’d be home already.” Then I snap out of it and drive to my cozy new home. Honestly. I don’t want to sound whiny and ungrateful and like I’m not happy with our fortune.
There are unfamiliar places and smells. Creaks and radiator blasts. It’s not the right time of year to fully explore the things I want to explore. The yard. The feeling of the sun high in the sky. Sitting in an Adirondack chair on the deck. And then, unexpectedly, we got two days of warm, sunny bliss. What luck!
We set out to explore. To feel. We explored our new relationship. And found little surprises, some left intentionally and some left unintentionally. I thought more about my new “love.” I thought about my new love’s exes. And just like when you’re in a new relationship and critical of the lover who was there before you, you pore over the disrepair and neglect you find. You shake your head and wonder how someone could have let a precious diamond slip through their fingers. Who were they? How they could not delight in all there is to delight i? Did they check out early? Find something new and irresistible?
**Just a small note that we broke new ground, literally, on Wednesday. Our chicken, Fred (or George) passed away and it was sad. Cassidy was away but my father-in-law took the helm. We buried the chicken on our property and all said nice things about her. It was excruciating with the kids, but they taught me a thing or two about grief and loss and love too.
This is me linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s topic is “My favorite thing about my neighborhood is…” And there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin: HERE.