It’s amazing how much it both hurts and uplifts to see these photos. I have a lot to say on the matter, but unfortunately it’s all locked in my head without the proper ways to say it. In Doctor Who, the Matt Smith Doctor (I saw him in PERSON last month!) once gave a speech about regenerations, that I compared to parenting. The doctor regenerates and he’s still the same person (Time Lord) with the same loved ones and memories, but there are differences too. Different faces and spaces.
Ages and phases, personalities and quirks. And it’s like how you’re handed a new child at various points of your/their life. The child that you know 100% of the time becomes someone you hold less and less. The changes are rapid at first – through the minutes of the days of the weeks of the months. We measure those moments. We have to, lest they slip through fast.
Somehow it’s not all sad. As Matt Smith’s character said, “It’s ok. It’s all ok.” Maybe it’s even great – this privilege to hold something in your arms and help form it just so, and it takes on its own creation anyway, but your handiwork is imprinted through every cell and every fiber. It’s all ok. And maybe even great too. Somehow it’s not all sad, and somehow you don’t mourn the losses as sharply as you could, because instead you focus on what you gain – what you’ve gained, and what you’re gaining. It’s like losing your child over and over, but each time you get them back with a slightly different face and attitude and personality, but 100% fiercely them just the same. Closer and closer to what they could and can and should and will be.
Boy, I have wanted to say THAT for a long time. Perhaps another way that parenting has hit me the most, other than the above thoughts and the breathless kind of love that leaves you gasping and confused and overjoyed and crawling on your knees on the floor, is.. drumroll.. something you already know.. and that’s school. I never thought I’d be hit with the changes and transitions the way I have, but it’s the start and the end of the school years that get me. They get me! Not in that good kind of “Hey, I got ya girl” getting, but more in the, “I’ve got you by the throat and the heart, and I’m not positive you’ll survive” kind of getting. Do you know it? You might not. It’s my own special brand of terror/joy/human.
For a kid who used to get nervous when they changed the TV guide or Sweet Valley Twins formats, I have zero idea how I survived these hurdles so well when I actually WAS a child. Sometimes missing an old life or a person, place, or thing is so overbearing like a dark hollow in my stomach and my heart. If I try to talk about it, I can’t breathe. If I try to write about it, I can somewhat succeed, but often it’s like I have built a fuzzy coating around it and I nearly can’t access it. That’s how strong it is. It’s so strong I can’t even access it. I might feel indifferent or just numb. Sometimes that’s even a luxury.
It gets me in the spring and it gets me in the fall. I rather settle into summer and winter. They’re less transitional, don’t you think? Here I am, though, when my life topples suddenly out of place, I put it back together as best as I can. Then it happens again, and I patch and stitch it back together, but not in the same way. It’s a new way to embrace and learn and find the grooves and the comforts. It changes and some parts are familiar and ancient, and others are brand new. Like a patchwork sweater, I learn to wear it old & new, and find all the ways to let it hold me as I pull it closer and closer in, and all around.
So what I came here to say (and went in another different direction/regeneration) is that Wednesday was Scarlet’s first day of school! It came so fast and completely smothered by other things in my life, like work and more work and even more work, and probably some other stuff too, but it’s almost like I have accepted that this is my new life. When summer started, it was overwhelming to me that suddenly the kids were home a lot and I’m still trying to build full-time work. Now everything is different, but I’m trying to build myself around this new start too. I’m not the one starting school. They are.
So basically if you’re looking for me, I’m editing photos, starting a new job, at the helm of a busy blogging season, dealing with huge house renovations starting next week, watching the chickens squawk at me, or trying to wrap my head around double sets of paperwork and school menus and schedules and conferences and concerns. It’s a lot. It’s a good lot.
I’m linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday or #FTSF. This week’s topic is “When it comes to back-to-school, I think…” And there’s time to write yours. Come link up with your spin on the matter: HERE.