Are You An Old Soul?

Lately I start every Friday post with all that has gone wrong in the week, because there’s been a lot of that lately. Bad weather, too much work, not enough sleep, and nasty viruses galore. I’m happy to say that this week was beautiful and healthy, and I drank enough water too! There’s the *slight* fact that Cassidy went to Brazil, and I may or may not have cried alone in my car to Van Halen, but let’s focus on the positive. He’s getting the trip of a lifetime. What do I get? Ten days to bond with my children. Ten days to miss Cassidy, but know we’re both lucky with this opportunity – honestly. If I get my chance at a trip of a lifetime? I’ll take it, and he’ll support me. For now, it’s trying to pick up after the kids and pets, and sinking down on the couch every night with either a bowl of homemade popcorn and a Hallmark movie, or a bit of homemade ice cream. And a Hallmark movie. I mean.. priorities and all! This can be a week of simple pleasures, after all the crazy.

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This week I’m teaming up with my co-host Stacey to answer Elaine’s new Old School Blogging questions. They’re not easy. I also didn’t have a lot of time to spend on each one, as I sometimes do, so my answers are completely raw and unfiltered. Not that I usually filter them very much, but you get my point. Writing, without thinking. It can be a beautiful or terrifying thing.


What is #AskAwayFriday? Well…

#AskAwayFriday was created by the amazing Penny from Real Housewife of Caroline County and Amber from Bold Fit Mom, as a way to connect with other bloggers with a great Q & A session of 10 questions and 10 answers, between two bloggers! This is a wonderful opportunity to get to know others while allowing others to get to know you and of course there is also the added bonus of making great friends along the way which is one of the best parts of this online world! Ask me if you want to swap!

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Now welcoming our wonderful #AskAwayFriday hosts…

Tamara from Tamara Like Camera,
Tiffany from Mrs. Tee Love Life Laughter,
Christy from Uplifting Families,
Stacey from This Momma’s Ramblings
and
Echo from The Mad Mommy

Grab our brand new button, follow our amazing hosts, hop through the great link ups and make some new friends!

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Here are the questions! Don’t forget to check out my partner Stacey’s answers HERE. Here are mine:

1. Are you young at heart or an old soul?

I’m both. I believe I’m an ambivert in personality, so I guess there are even and close-to-even splits in such things. I’m young at heart, and I always will be. This can be both a good thing and a bad thing, but if it involves rainbow sprinkles and an ever-present belief in some strange magic, I suppose it’s ok. I’ve been known to dance in place when Scarlet is scared or nervous, and I still think of myself as 25 – with my whole life ahead of me. How long will that last, I wonder? There are times in which I feel decades upon decades old – with weight and worry and extremely deep thoughts that I don’t want to have. The young at heart part of me likes to believe the deep, deep thoughts mean I’m special or something. Probably it’s just anxiety. I can’t see how a nearly four-year-old could lose her father so suddenly, and not be marked by it somehow. And not be aged.

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2. Tell me about a movie/book that has changed your life.

Can I give three of each? Books: “The Time Traveler’s Wife,” “The Lovely Bones,” “Bird by Bird.” Movies: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Edward Scissorhands, Rocky Horror Picture Show. One day I’ll say how each one of them has changed me.

3. Would you like to reconnect with any friends you’ve lost contact with?

It would never happen. There was this incredibly cute boy who sat near me at my old job. He just.. got it, ya know? He was a good friend to me during my horrendous breakup with Cassidy. He’d take me to the diner and buy me midnight ravioli. He showed me Anchorman when I had lost my spark and humor. He found a good home for my evil foster cat. He took me to see moose, with successes. We’d roadtrip nearly ever weekend together. We went to San Diego together, and drove to Sedona late at night. Just because. Eventually I was probably an idiot and his girlfriend/eventual wife didn’t like that we were friends who had slept together several times. The last time I saw him, it was so awkward. He put out his hand. To shake my hand. We had been 3,000 miles away together. And.. the other stuff his girlfriend didn’t like. And he shook my hand. That was the end.

Ah well. We’ll always have New Hampshire and this guy:

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4. Where was your favorite place to go when you were a little kid?

The ocean. The arcade. The stream in our woods. Cliff’s Ice Cream. With my mom. Safe. Immersed in a GREAT book.

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5. Do you enjoy being with only one or two friends, or with a large group of people?

I honestly don’t have a preference. It depends on so many circumstances. I think I’m better one-on-one, in general. Otherwise I have two settings – shrinking away OR being the life of the party. Unfortunately, I have no control over the settings.

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6. What’s your “quirkiest” habit?

I mean, what isn’t? Is it that I don’t own any solid colored socks and that I wear my loud socks by mood? Is it that I think rainbow sprinkles are made of magic? Is it that I read while I blow dry my hair on low – on low partly because I don’t want to use high heat on my hair, but also because it’s more reading time? Is it my superpower of being Anxiety Girl, and scaling large fears – one day at a time? Maybe it’s that I can dance like no one’s watching one minute, and be a wallflower the next. I have strange abilities to go from awkward to glamorous and back to awkward again by midnight. It’s a gift, I tell ya.

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7. What part of the past year sticks out in your mind?

It all sort of blurs together as one giant mental, physical and emotional scraping. I decided I needed to work on a zillion issues – anxiety, marriage, parenting, financial, dental, medical, too much sugar, not enough water, everything. I mean I’ve had full out checkups and I have confronted a lot of demons. It hurts so much, but every day gets a little lighter, you know? So much of the internal plaque was scraped out. I’ve pretty much been having a year-long holistic checkup. With lots of shots. Help!

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8. What do you use more often: your intuition or logical reasoning?

I’ll take intuition for 1,000, Alex.

9. Where is your favorite place to go out and eat?

Breakfast is my favorite meal and Outlook Farm is my favorite place to get breakfast. I’ve tried trendier and fancier places, but it’s still my favorite. It’s a market, deli, gift shop, ice cream shop, butcher, orchard, farm, entertainment venue, bakery and restaurant in one. And it smells like heaven. If you come over, I’ll take you there.

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10. What was the last song that was stuck in your head?

11. What is your ethnic heritage?

I’m a big mix. People often guess and they guess incorrectly. What would you guess?

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The correct answer is that I’m German, Russian and Polish, although I’m not sure of the percentages.

12. Give me the story of your life in six words.

I still believe in joyous magic.

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The Darkest Point of the Night.

In that place between being awake and being asleep, it happened very early Tuesday morning.

Every now and then, I’m quickly awakened from deep and unsettling dreams. Then I find myself in that place between dreams and waking life, where whatever I was dreaming about has taken hold. Usually on these deep nights, it’s about the afterlife or lack thereof, of heartbreaking past loves or charismatic strangers. Sometimes it’s about loved ones long gone. What it is is deep. I’m in deep. Then something will wake me up suddenly, without much of a transition between deep dreams and relieving reality. In this case it was a cat pounding on a glass door, and Des kicking his crib. He had fallen asleep in a fleece jacket and sneakers, when he’s used to going to bed in just a t-shirt and pants. He was sweaty and thrashing and kicking.

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We brought him into bed. He kicked and kicked and kicked himself to sleep. In those moments between deep sleep and waking life, my heart pounds. It’s always during those dreadful hours between 2:00 and 4:00am. I call it the darkest point of the night. I was in so deep and to wake up so suddenly makes me assume the worst. A sick kid. A sick pet. A phone call.

It’s nice when it’s just a kid who wakes himself up in a sweat. I did some deep breathing and all was calm. All was silent. All was bright. The unsettled wake up from the dreamy depths of darkness feeling passed quickly and I was back to dreamland.

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It was only the darkest point of the night emotionally. Physically, the light was already thinking about trickling in. Just when we thought all was silent, we heard a bird song loud and clear. It was like a lighthouse cutting through the dark.

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On the night we landed in Orlando Airport in January, we still had to drive about two hours to St. Augustine. I had dozed off in the car, making sure to take lots of gulps of water because I tend to dehydrate on airplanes – not just from the dryness, but from the nerves keeping me from drinking enough. I woke up and I was in a beach town. I had woken up early that morning, some 15 hours earlier, onto a frozen wasteland. There were no birdsongs. No sunshine. I took two kids to daycare and school, and picked them up, and we got on our way to Bradley International Airport in Hartford. We had one flight, a two hour drive, and a 40 degree difference in temperature. Then I found myself in this most perfect town. The Christmas lights were still up on the light posts, and they were shaped like sand dollars and seahorses and starfish. I saw palm trees and resorts and mini golf. I opened my window to the beach breezes and the salty air. It was already cutting through and curling my wavy hair.

We had arrived.

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After knocking on the wrong door of the wrong house (oops), we found my in-laws’ winter rental. They welcomed us into the fold of the beach life, and we integrated ourselves within seconds. We were ready. Then my father-in-law took me outside the sliding glass door, out over a walkway, and onto a sandy beach. He turned off his flashlight and through the blackness I could see every star in the sky. It was the darkest point of the night – but only physically. Not emotionally. Not this time.

The next morning, I got to see that same view through the light of day.

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So we delved into that light and into that sun and into that warmth – into the fold of a summer vacation in winter.

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“You know that place between sleep and awake? That place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you… Peter Pan. That’s where I’ll be waiting.” — Tinkerbell from Hook

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Me with my red dress over moose pajama pants and combat boots. It was cold early in the morning!

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