Because Tonight, Tonight, Tonight.

I don’t know when I’ll be here like this again.

I hope that doesn’t sound melodramatic, because surely it will be within a week or so, and I never even took a break when I went to Florida, twice, or when I gave birth to a baby who spent a week in the NICU. Clearly, I won’t be gone for long. It’s just that with the wedding photos to edit from last week, and a few new shoots, a trip to REALLY see moose, and several scheduled posts on the horizon.. well, I have tonight, tonight, tonight. I never blog on Saturdays, but tonight is a new night.

It’s time for a new Currently post, if only to release some of the pressure from inside my head:

Currently I am..

Reading: “Summer Secrets” by Jane Green. I also have the new Jennifer Weiner book from the library! The last one made me positively want to sob, because it was about a mother losing control to anxiety & addiction and I related to the anxiety.

Planning: To buy a new computer, which I thought was years away, but is not. A trip to Maine, which is only a week away! Another trip to Florida for early 2016. I should be planning my fall/winter wardrobe because sundresses are no more.

Stressing: Nothing seems horribly stressful so much as weird. I was stressed about photographing weddings, getting into the HerStories book, and being able to afford a new camera and computer, but all such worries are now completely gone. I stress about restlessness and early sunsets and how to keep the momentum going. I stress about dentist appointments and still about money. I stress about holding up too many things at once, and what happens if they all fall down? Like London Bridges.


Wishing: For a lakeside log cabin in Maine, a dozen or so moose, a new puppy, a new kitten, babies for other people, shooting stars and northern lights, a bar of chocolate, for Dinah to come back home again, and for a new camera and computer.

Feeling: A little numb, actually, and not all emotional and intense like I usually am. Sometimes the default setting needs a refresh and a reset. Also it felt like cold November rain today and I haven’t seen the sun in awhile. I’m really thirsty but also really full because I spent my day running around and came home to a fabulous home-cooked meal by Cassidy.

Listening: See video above! Listen. Smile.

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Thinking: About the cold November rain, in October. Also of a really great dessert, a really great bubble bath, a really great smile, a sexy laugh, the way I have felt disconnected from Des lately, and how to get him back to me, and also of kittens. A fuzzy, new kitten. Also, a guy I knew when I was 14, how to change the world bit by bit, and if I’ll go prematurely gray. Also, why is it so cold out? Where can I get a slice of pie at this hour? Will I be ok for tomorrow’s newborn shoot?

Loving: I couldn’t even begin to explain but I’m loving how often I’ve been getting high on life. And yes, it’s a real feeling with symptoms and there are no substances involved, although I’m sure there could be and it wouldn’t ruin it.

Wearing: It would be awesome if I could lie and tell you I was wearing a really sexy sundress, right? I’m not. I’m wearing a Hurley hoodie and star pants. That’s right. Star pants. And grey socks with autumn leaves on them.

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Hoping: To stay in a groove. I feel more awake and alive lately than I have in years. That makes me worry I’ll fall back into a hole. I want to keep fighting anxiety and taking names, achieving life goals, traveling, upgrading, raising happy kids and getting better at blogging and photography. Mostly, it’s walking into schools without fear of panic attacks. It’s waking up and knowing, “Hey, I’ve got this.” It’s feeling more capable than I’ve ever felt. I hope for a good newborn shoot tomorrow.

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Even a great one.

Hey, is that all? I could have done this all night.. but.. Doctor Who awaits.

When You Can Plan For What You Didn’t Plan For.

This morning I woke up before dawn and gently shook my six-year-old daughter awake. In the process, I woke up my son.

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He stood up in his crib (yes, even at three-years-old) and asked what we were doing. I told him we were going out looking for moose. It’s a thing Scarlet and I do sometimes if one of us wakes up early, but we had never taken Des. Recently there have been half a dozen moose sightings nearby, and we were hopeful we’d see one. For Des, it would be his first moose.

I love these moments in which our family’s youngest gets to finally experience something we have all done before.

There was a brief time in which I wondered if these happy occasions would ever happen for us.

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When I went to my doctor for my 38-week appointment with Des, I found out my water had broken, and not only that, it had likely been over 24 hours broken. I had to rush to the hospital without my hospital bag (not yet packed) and my in-laws were in Nova Scotia and couldn’t pick up Scarlet. I couldn’t reach my husband right away, and my parents were four hours away. In truth, everyone was coming towards me, slowly but surely, but I felt panicked and scared. Some dear friends picked up Scarlet to bring her to my house to meet relatives, Cassidy came to my side in the hospital room, and I was induced.

Nothing was planned, and as I soon learned out, we were even more ill-prepared for Des’ birth than I knew then.

Photo & Video Sharing by SmugMug(If we’re being honest, the cuteness in this photo slays me)

During Des’ labor, I spiked a fever. It felt so strange since I hadn’t had a fever in years, or even decades, but I couldn’t stop shaking and shivering. They covered me with a heavy blanket and contemplated putting antibiotics through an I.V. so Des would be protected. There was no time, though, because after not that many pushes, he was here and he was beautiful. Desmond had a high APGAR score and a peaceful look on his face in my arms. I felt like the luckiest mom on earth.

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After two days in the hospital, I was released and he wasn’t. His breathing wasn’t what they wanted (at least 95%) and he had to spend his time in the nursery. His blood work came back positive for an infection, although that later was determined to be contaminated results. The hospital doesn’t have a NICU and can’t take chances, though, and he was rushed to another hospital by ambulance. I’ll never forget the team of concerned-looking doctors standing over my peaceful, dreamy son.

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What followed was a hard week – poking, prodding, expensive X-rays, extensive hand washing, overnight stays in cold rooms the size of closets, hospital food and not really knowing what was going on. He was under jaundice lights at times, and always taking in heavy-duty antibiotics by I.V. They never really did find anything wrong but it was a suspected bacterial infection. They ruled out pneumonia, after TWO x-rays, as well as Bacterial Meningitis and Group B Strep. What they think was that it was something smaller, transmitted through my water being broken for so long, which explains my fever during labor. We may never know what really happened – nothing or a small infection – but he’s been our healthy, happy, beautiful boy since.

life insurance plan

Weeks later, the hospital bills rolled in and they were very expensive.

Hospital inpatient care accounts for nearly 1/3 of United States health care costs. So far, there’s no relief in sight – with the average length of a hospital stay being 4.5 days at a cost of $10,400.6! Even if you do have major medical insurance, it most likely won’t cover every expense covered with a hospital stay – and there are a LOT. There are rising deductibles, co-payments and out-of-pocket maximums. Having a hospital insurance plan means they will pay cash for covered hospital stays, with optional benefits for diagnostic procedures, surgery, ambulance transport and more. When you’re in it, and I mean really in these situations, you don’t stop to think about what things will cost. You tell the doctors, nurses and technicians:

“Yes! Try that! Do that! Anything.”

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It’s fall now and for most U.S. companies, fall means open enrollment season. Open Enrollment Season is a time when workers can review their employer-sponsored benefits offerings and choose the health insurance policies that BEST meet their financial and health care needs. An Aflac survey found that many workers do very little research to learn which plans and products will work best for them, even though selecting the right health care benefits may be one of the most important decisions for the year. Different generations make up today’s workforce, and have different health care needs. Voluntary insurance helps by allowing employees to select voluntary policies to best suit their own needs, and the needs of their dependents. Unforeseen medical events do occur, and many people are faced with increased health insurance premiums.


Insurance is not one-size-fits-all. How do you make sure you’re finding the right voluntary policy for your family?

I was selected for this opportunity as a member of Clever Girls and the content and opinions expressed here are all my own.