I hope that doesn’t sound melodramatic, because surely it will be within a week or so, and I never even took a break when I went to Florida, twice, or when I gave birth to a baby who spent a week in the NICU. Clearly, I won’t be gone for long. It’s just that with the wedding photos to edit from last week, and a few new shoots, a trip to REALLY see moose, and several scheduled posts on the horizon.. well, I have tonight, tonight, tonight. I never blog on Saturdays, but tonight is a new night.
Reading: “Summer Secrets” by Jane Green. I also have the new Jennifer Weiner book from the library! The last one made me positively want to sob, because it was about a mother losing control to anxiety & addiction and I related to the anxiety.
Planning: To buy a new computer, which I thought was years away, but is not. A trip to Maine, which is only a week away! Another trip to Florida for early 2016. I should be planning my fall/winter wardrobe because sundresses are no more.
Stressing: Nothing seems horribly stressful so much as weird. I was stressed about photographing weddings, getting into the HerStories book, and being able to afford a new camera and computer, but all such worries are now completely gone. I stress about restlessness and early sunsets and how to keep the momentum going. I stress about dentist appointments and still about money. I stress about holding up too many things at once, and what happens if they all fall down? Like London Bridges.
Wishing: For a lakeside log cabin in Maine, a dozen or so moose, a new puppy, a new kitten, babies for other people, shooting stars and northern lights, a bar of chocolate, for Dinah to come back home again, and for a new
camera and computer.
Feeling: A little numb, actually, and not all emotional and intense like I usually am. Sometimes the default setting needs a refresh and a reset. Also it felt like cold November rain today and I haven’t seen the sun in awhile. I’m really thirsty but also really full because I spent my day running around and came home to a fabulous home-cooked meal by Cassidy.
Listening: See video above! Listen. Smile.
Thinking: About the cold November rain, in October. Also of a really great dessert, a really great bubble bath, a really great smile, a sexy laugh, the way I have felt disconnected from Des lately, and how to get him back to me, and also of kittens. A fuzzy, new kitten. Also, a guy I knew when I was 14, how to change the world bit by bit, and if I’ll go prematurely gray. Also, why is it so cold out? Where can I get a slice of pie at this hour? Will I be ok for tomorrow’s newborn shoot?
Loving: I couldn’t even begin to explain but I’m loving how often I’ve been getting high on life. And yes, it’s a real feeling with symptoms and there are no substances involved, although I’m sure there could be and it wouldn’t ruin it.
Wearing: It would be awesome if I could lie and tell you I was wearing a really sexy sundress, right? I’m not. I’m wearing a Hurley hoodie and star pants. That’s right. Star pants. And grey socks with autumn leaves on them.
Hoping: To stay in a groove. I feel more awake and alive lately than I have in years. That makes me worry I’ll fall back into a hole. I want to keep fighting anxiety and taking names, achieving life goals, traveling, upgrading, raising happy kids and getting better at blogging and photography. Mostly, it’s walking into schools without fear of panic attacks. It’s waking up and knowing, “Hey, I’ve got this.” It’s feeling more capable than I’ve ever felt. I hope for a good newborn shoot tomorrow.